To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

As much as I sympathise I do think you are overreacting. If she wasn't visibly distressed and asking to go home on the trip the school had no way of knowing it would've been appropriate to ring you to send her home. Loads of kids will be saying they are homesick and miss their families, which is very normal but most kids still greatly enjoy being on these trips once they get stuck into the activities. I'm sorry this wasn't the case for your daughter but it really isn't the schools fault.

But surely you got to know some of your children's friends' parents if you had them for sleepovers? After all, they trusted you enough to look after their children. Surely at some point you know enough about them to believe they are not all axe murderers?

Honestly, you do need to take some responsibility for creating this problem.

She learnt to handle homesickness and upset ? Well done her. Tell her how proud you are of her .

raging at the school will just tell her that life is supposed to be pain free and that growth can’t come from hard situations- really naff messages to give a child

This was me on my residential many moons ago... I didn't tell the teachers as I didn't want to cause a fuss or be seen as the kid who missed their mummy. Rather than rush to school to complain, I would use this as an opportunity to discuss what she can do in the future when she is away from home and feels this way again, to give her some practical tips to make her feel better. Something like maybe a mindfulness journal to write out her feelings? I use a printable one I found online... https://www.twinkl.co.uk/resources/twinkl-plus/twinkl-busy-bees/childrens-planners-organisers-journals-twinkl-busy-bees-twinkl but you can always just get one from a book store.

You said she didn't say she wanted to go home? I take girls away with girlguiding. Of course some get upset, they start going away at 5 years old (just 1 night until 7, 2 nights until 10) and of course we will try to comfort, distract etc. But if that doesn't work, we may ask 'would you like me to call your mum/dad to come collect you', the answer on all but one occasions was no. The reality was they were just overexcited, tired and emotional. On the one occasion we did call a parent, when the parent arrived to collect, the child then refused to go, and the parent was annoyed with us for calling them as by time got there their daughter was happily running around and they went back home and their child stayed, and was so proud of herself.

We now have a policy that we only call if a child is unwell beyond the point we can look after them/anything contagious. This is made clear to parents and they decide whether their daughter is emotionally ready to attend.

I think, knowing this comes up in year 6, you should have organised some nights away to build up to this, or at least find out whether she was likely to be ready to go.

Kindly OP, this is the reason that schools do residential trips. Children need to learn to cope with being away from their parents and this is a safe way of doing it whilst providing enrichment and new experiences.

Ask your DD again, when she has had a sleep and some food, what things she liked about the trip, and if she tried anything new. You may get an entirely different picture. Unless your DD has been distraught throughout, then the school made the right decision and you are overreacting.

Kindly (again) she needs to toughen up if she is going to cope with secondary school. Focus on what she has achieved. She managed the whole week / three days whatever it was, she was able to take part in x and y activities, she spent time with a and b friends, she tried some new things. These are things to be encouraged and celebrated if your DD is going to flourish as a pre-teen and teenager. The longer you over protect her the harder secondary school is going to be for her. Push her to be brave and enable her to be more independent. Good luck :-)

I know. It’s pretty weird parenting.

I have mixed feelings on this. I think to having never been away from you to several nights away with the school was predictably too much. She has built up no resilience and that is on you. I do think however your daughter should not have to suffer the consequences of that and it seems rather cruel of the school not to have given her the opportunity to speak to you, and negligent to not have informed you.

Risk-taking, risk-management, identification and managing adversity are really important things for children experience. It can act as a significant negative factor for children as they get older and have no skills to be able to manage problems as they arise.

I think your approach to sleepovers is unnecessarily risk-adverse and is preventing your daughter from both developing skills, but also from developing relationships. I also think not allowing her to attend sleepovers but expecting others (by way of invitation) to put their kids at risk from sleeping at yours is rich to say the least! There are of course risks at sleep overs, but there are risks in most things we do, we can’t simply just stop doing everything that has a risk attached to it. We just risk assess and take protective factors.

I know you’re being a good parent and protecting your child, but, be wary that you’re not the cause of harm in those actions. It’s easily done and very difficult to undo!

....which is exactly what the teachers on residentials have to do.

And anyone who ever has to travel for work.

Yes, you get your own room but the reason kids go in together is because it's FUN for normally developing kids to all sleep in the same room.

I volunteered on a camp with 25 Brownies aged 7-9 and out of all of them, there was only one who couldn't cope and had to be picked up.

I also went on multiple Guide and St John Ambulance camps from aged 10 to 16, pre mobile phones being a thing, I think once we were allowed to write postcards and send them home- obviously we got back before they even arrived. 😂

The idea of crying to go home never even occurred to me. I knew my parents would be there when I got home. Why are 11 year old children so anxious to be away for a few days?

You are overreacting!!

I’m with you. She needs to toughen up a bit or how will she ever cope with life?

I completely agree with the OP. Putting a kid through this ordeal will not help them at all except to avoid stuff like this in future. The most independent and resilient people i know have had solid 'foundations' ie a childhood that's secure and safe and they never went on residentials until they were teenagers. If you throw kids into things too soon those foundations start to crack and they become less resilient. And from a safety angle, school trips are rife with accidents and other problems happening as it's simply not possible to supervise all of them. My dd hardly went on any such trips but now an adult is the most independent and socially mature person who enjoys risky sports and adventurous hikes. At 10 she didn't want to leave my side but as she had that security it made her into an amazing adult - hugely social too.

@anyname147thank you! I feel like I have been torn apart on this thread! I am going to work on building her resilience, but in a way we are both comfortable. She is usually very confident and self assured, so I was shocked she was so upset.

Thank you !!!!

But no mention of nonces….

You’re obsessed. It’s starting to give off “she who doth protest” vibes..

I've been doing school residential trips for 30 years.
If she'd been really upset, (too upset to enjoy herself during the trip) they would have called you. They didn't.

You are massively overreacting and doing her no favours.

Says the person with the most posts and deleted ones!

🤣🤣

Yes, it's nothing short of Draconian to let kids have a few days away kayaking and climbing and running wild - how AWFUL!!!!

Christ knows what you think of the Guides and Scouts!

Camping!!! ABUSE!!! 😂

Have you a source for that claim that school trips have accidents lots? Or is this just your opinion?

As a lone parent with no familial support I was only too well aware how important it was that if I was ever required to attend professional residentials or was unwell requiring a hospital stay that my DC would be happy to stay with known and trusted friends so from age 2 that’s what my DC has experienced. It would only be for a night and gradually increased over the years that followed.

I’ve always said don’t miss me too much that you don’t enjoy what you’ll be doing.

Instead of a strongly worded message to the school. Why not offer to plan, organise, run and attend the next residential? Then you can get to experience what it’s like for the staff. Taking on the responsibility for caring for thirty plus children. You too can experience the joy of getting back late, have twenty four hours at home to plan the next weeks lessons at the end of a long and demanding term before another working week begins with barely a parent saying anything positive about the experience that your DC has had. Just complaints about missing home, lost property (because parents couldn’t be bothered to label clothing/personal effects, late arrival back, etc etc).

Shame teachers can’t send a strongly worded email to the parents who don’t parent, read the pre residential letters or packing list (translated into the various languages spoken) even a picture packing list to try and engage the children themselves to be involved as they have no idea what belongs to them), or bother to arrive on time because something good was on the telly (2 hours on one occasion waiting for a parent to turn up - no apology proffered/no communication to explain why they were late).

Feel free to write your strongly worded email and then next time you can prepare your next email complaining because staff no longer want to spend their time running residentials and your DC is missing out.

I really do think that being five minutes away from home overnight shouldn’t result in such homesickness that an 11 year old needs to go home. Trips like this are designed to help children mature and develop resilience. At uni, you could always see the teenagers who’d been like this as youngsters as they’d bawl their eyes out at living independently at 18.

I went to camp with school when I was 9, and I'm 57, so how old are you if schools didn't do residentials when you were in primary?

Oops I meant to quote the person you quoted