To be angry with school

[crossmummas]

My daughter who is 11 went on a residential school trip.
She has just come home in flood of tears as she cried each night as she missed us and wanted to come home. I don’t think she clearly said to the teacher ‘I want to come home’ but did say she was homesick and missed her family. She was crying for around 20 minutes.

I am so cross the school didn’t ring me so I could pick her up. I actually only live 5 minutes away from the place she was staying.

I’m not sure whether to ring and ask to speak to the headteacher tomorrow or to write a strongly worded email to the school or if I’m over reacting. It’s the first time she has stayed away from home.

Good grief. Some of you on here are truly vile. This mum is entitled to raise her daughter how she wishes. Her kid might not be in brownies (it’s incredibly hard to get into in some areas! We’ve been waiting three years). Sleepovers are a nightmare, I don’t host and don’t allow my child to attend them so totally with the OP on that one. It sounds like your daughter had a rough time but she came through it. She stuck it out. You’ve championed her for that. I’m surprised the trip didn’t have a parents meeting. Bad planning on the part of the school. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

They did. I missed the end of Y6 because I sat an entrance exam for an independent school and they suggested I moved straight into Y7. There was also one in Y4 but we had only just moved to the area and it was too late the join, I was gutted. I cried when the coach left without me.

Yep, absolutely agree.

The residentials aren't compulsory, it's up to each parent to assess whether their child will be ok, doing some prep sleepovers with friends etc if necessary.

If she wasn't ready to go, she wasn't ready. That's fine, all children are different and are ready at different points.

You as a parent, knowing your child better than anyone, decided she was OK to go and you then found you might have been misjudged her capacity. And that's ok, of course as parents we often get it wrong. What's not ok is to be angry at school because you didnt correctly evaluate how your daughter would react..

What I would suggest you do now is keep is positive with her 'well done, I know you found it tough and thats ok, we all find some things tough, but you did it and I'm really proud of you. If you don't want to do any more that's fine, bit I'm really glad you gave it a go'.

I haven't read past this post, but am a bit surprised at how black and white everyone is being.

We don't have local family, or family keen to have our children for a sleepover.

My daughter seemed outwardly confident, but has had low self esteem and significant anxiety since being 5. She did a Brownies sleepover at 8 that she just about managed and one at 9 that she did not (and had to be collected, having g had the leader up the vast majority of the -second- night there and having wet herself so frequently she had nothing clean to wear. She had NO continence issues and no UTI, it was all through stress)

She then tried a school residential for 2 nights aged 10. It was so hard for her, and while she enjoyed the days she was so anxious at night she has never stayed away from me or her dad since. She is 15 this year.

She has significant anxiety but to be honest, I didn't really recognise it then. However she had a mental health crisis aged 11 she hasn't recovered from well. She is autistic too, though only diagnosed at 10 - before the school residential trip.

While I have many regrets, sending her on these is one. I am proud of her that she managed to do them, and especially after the disastrous second Brownies trip that she agreed to go on the school one, but was it worth it overall? No. Not for her.

I agree that for most children, they will feel over tired and homesick and emotional BUT overall had a great time. Same as for my other children who do all sorts of sleepovers and trips with school. But not some children (and I do have another autistic child who has been fine with residential trips).

Let's also accept that this resilience building approach is not right for every child though

My DDs are loved and know I’m always here for them. As a result they are confident and can be away from me because they know it’s okay as I’ll be there and they have no doubt about that. Having a child distressed about being away from home for a few nights isn’t a sign of being loved. She’s insecure and that would be a good thing to work on. I’m not suggesting your dd isn’t loved but you’re perhaps projecting your insecurities and that’s affecting your dd.

I think the word resilience being bandied about is confusing the purpose of the residential. It is not to build resilience, the trip is to make memories and have fun, it is the most anticipated part of year 6. But they need to have resilience to cope with as naturally nearly all children will express being homesick.

It is up to parents to teach their kids how to be resilient and allow them opportunities to grow and be prepared for future uncomfortable situations. We don't send our kids to their first day of nursery, primary school or secondary school without preparing them. The do transition days and welcome days to help them prepare for the discomfort they may feel.

Of course you need to prepare them for their first night away from their parents. That responsibility is the parents. If you do nothing to help prepare them, you are setting them up to fail.

I have two autistic daughters. Neither did sleepovers but both managed their year 5 residential week long trips - with quite a bit of additional support. Sadly a lot of girls are so good at masking their autism and it isn't picked up at primary and they are put into situations without the support. It is often when they try things like residential trips that their needs begin to show.

@Matronic6

"the trip is to make memories and have fun, it is the most anticipated part of year 6"

No.
It's an educational trip, not a holiday. There's huge personal development, learning independence, engaging with nature and a different place from where you live, learning new skills and opening doors to different employment, curriculum learning such as geography, maths, English, and PE, dealing with the anti-phobic effect of experiencing and managing risk personally, and more.
All wrapped up in sometging engaging, motivating and fun.

That said, companies like PGL and Manor have dumbed things down with 'groupies' and cheap activities on site and lots of (cheap) "free time" and more.

A seriously good residential has so many layers of 'new space', new community, true agency and authenticity, adventure and huge curriculum work before and after.

Any school that sells it as fun and uses a crap provider is missing the point of these things.

How do I know? Because in 1983 I went on a residential and adventurous week, and I can tell you the exact moment I thought 'this is the job and life for me'. I had a chat with a youth worker the week I got back - I'm now 32 years into a career in outdoor education, working up from apprentice to senior manager, trainee to degree and masters degree, travelled the world, and still look at the learning and development done each week and think 'this stuff is powerful - I've enriched hundreds of lives'.

So no, it's more than fun and a holiday.

Exactly this! The staff have given up their time, which incidentally they don't get paid for, to take a class of children on a residential. It's incredibly tiring as staff are on duty 24 hours and a HUGE responsibility. And your first thought is to write an email of complaint???🤦‍♀️

Leave it. I’d be wanting to encourage independence at 11 tbh. Your reaction is quite telling.

No. The purpose of the residential is 100% intended to be primarily an educational experience.

There is always someone who has to be really particular. Yeah, it's an educational trip, yes it's about outdoor experiences and learning away from classroom, yes it's about team building.

But if you ask a single child about a residential they won't say any of that. They will tell you it was fun. They are meant to be fun.

It depends what question you ask them.
"Did you have fun?"
Or
"What did you learn?" (Many other variations available here).
Or
"Did you miss me/were you homesick?" (Relevant to this thread)

I'm a huge believer in waiting until children are ready to do things because forcing them before they are ready can cause worse problems

I also believe in treating them as individuals not one huge blob .

You can't make resilience it has to be developed
Gently at the child's pace.

I'm sure ops daughter is great at many things many of the posters DC on here are not good at

@ADarknessOfDragons it's frighting how many people think it's ok to force this I hope no teachers are advising this one size approach.

Yes absolutely, its not helpful to force a child to go on a residential. But the school didn't force OP's daughter to go.
OP and her daughter made the informed choice for her to go, that's very different.

I don't think most people have any issue with OP's daughter getting a bit homesick, that's natural, especially if it was her first time away. The issue they have is with OP considering complaining to the school, after teachers put in so much effort and gave up time with their families to give her daughter and classmates a trip away.

Exactly this and very unusual for an eleven year old to have never stayed away from home.

@Bushmillsbabe op doesn't have to go in all guns blazing does she ..however it's important to raise her daughters experience so next time they can build that in and let very anxious children call home or go home. It's probably very rare so it won't cause a snow ball.
It's very important to cover all needs and if op doesn't raise this they won't realise will they ?

It's very likely that if they had let OP's daughter call home it would have made the situation much worse rather than better in my experience. What her daughter says was crying for 20 mins might have easily been much less. She didn't ask to go home, she just needed a bit of support.

I have lost count of the number of Rainbows (aged 5-7) who said they missed their mum, and there is occasionally some tears at bedtime as they are tired. And with a hug they are absolutely fine, and come on residential after residential. Every child has wobbles and it's up to the adults to support them through it.

The only difference the school could make is having a parent meeting beforehand. But that's for the parents benefit not the children's.

I think after doing many trips and taking hundreds of children away they know what works and what doesn't.

YABU. You failed to prepare her and then threw her in to get on with it.

I just think.of all the evacuees and that always puts a bit of homesickness for two nights in.perspective!

Crikey. These are experienced staff. Being a bit homesick is normal, calling mum to collect is not. How will she ever learn not to be home sick? She needs to learn resilience

I get homesick even now, when I go for a weekend away to Scotland. Having anxiety away from home for the first time is normal especially when the day time distractions are over.
What your daughter needs is your love security and reassurance she would always eventually be back home. Not you going mad at the school and validating her insecurity.