My head is a mess and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think like this?

[Lilcrazyop]

Hi there. I’m going to try and keep this brief so it isn’t outing. I’m a youngish married woman. I’ve been married for a few years. I have on toddler already and two furbabies. This past 2 years have been one of the hardest time periods in my life (well the last 4 years really) due to various reasons. I had my baby in that time period and I really struggled mentally during pregnancy and postpartum. Interferring family and in laws didn’t help my state of mind and particularly this past year my marriage had become strained and we had a lot of arguments. I wasn’t myself and I felt very got at by many different people and I felt my husband didn’t understand me and his family were more important etc. things have settled a good bit now thank God

Unfortunately another thing I’ve struggled with is trying to find work and to be financially stable so I can have more of a life that just isn’t about being a mother. I’ve had a lot of letdowns in the careers department including one very recent one. I want to help provide better for my family too.

Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. I hate myself for having these feelings because I also love my husband but I’ve held onto a lot of anger over recent events and what was said to me in arguments etc. me and my guyfriend have always had a spark but we’ve grown close especially in recent months. He’s supported and is supporting me through stuff. We have stepped on the line a few times. I don’t want to lose him especially as I need his support and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. He feels the same but he is a bit of a player. Well he’s a young single guy. He’s 7 years younger than me. He can do what he wants. He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

the last thing is I could be pregnant again and I don’t want to be not yet. A few weeks ago hubby and I had sex using pull out method and I’ve never gotten pregnant by that. He pulled out but a bit dripped in. Sorry tmi. It happened during a time hubby was struggling keeping it hard again sorry tmi and said the condom wasn’t helping. I knew I was at or near my fertile window but my previous boyfriend and I used pull out method and I never got pregnant so thought nothing of it. I had a sick feeling after that I’ll likely fall pregnant by this but tried to brush it to the side now my period is late but I have irregular cycles so I’m seriously hoping it’s a late period as I don’t want another child right now for the reasons above. I’m a Christian so don’t believe in abortion. Honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I’d do it and I hate myself for it. I’ve only just got my mental health in some sort of better order and I don’t want to bring another child into this situation for everyone but me to have leverage over it. Also part of me wishes it was my guyfriends baby I could be carrying. I know wtf my head is a mess. Another reason to not have another baby is the house is too small.

what do I do? I’m so scared

Spot on

you’re looking for reasons why the other man is “the one”.

I give up now. Just fuck him, that’s what you want to do. Consequences be damned.

You are a self absorbed manipulative cheat. You’ll clearly ignore the unanimous advice on here and just do what you like. But for the sake of your husband and children, at least have the basic decency to divorce him first.

Your whole post is ‘I’, ‘I’, ‘I’. You’re a MOTHER but acting and thinking more emotionally and selfishly than a young teenager.

I don’t know your husband but hopefully out of the two of you, he prioritises the kids. Otherwise poor poor children.

I’m ver very sorry to hear that. That sounds awful. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

Thanks so much. I’m not actually pregnant thank God as it’s not the right time. Yes I have Christian counselling near me which I’ll use to help unpack and sort out my head. Thanks again.

@Lilcrazyop God forgive me for saying this...

IF you are a Christian as you claim, then you will know that you need God's forgiveness for a lot that you have divulged here. You will also know that to receive His forgiveness needs you to confess, repent and ask Him for forgiveness. It also means you will not repeat the behaviour.

You keep justifying being unfaithful to your husband - being unfaithful does not need you to have sex. You keep blaming others for your own behaviour. You don't want to own the consequences of your choices and behaviour.

Your opening post asks if you are being unreasonable. That is a 'yes' from me. You need to put on your grown-up-knickers, start to own your choices, accept that behaviour and choices have consequences, and do the right thing.

But you said you are wishing it was his baby you are possibly carrying.......

Open your eyes and stop lying to yourself about your friend. Think hard about your future and take control. If your marriage is over then end it.

What’s his red flags? Just curious

Typical hypocritical religious person. You can’t have an abortion, but you CAN be “in love” with another man (which is the very definition of cheating) and refuse to get rid of him because he helps you (which is entirely selfish of you). Sin, sin, and more sin. You’re oh so Christ-like!

You can't have both of them, so choose. Cheating means doing something with another person without your husband/wife's explicit consent, something you would not do in front of your husband, doing something that you know they would not agree to.

So if you are doing things, whether it's physical or not, that you know your husband would not agree to with another man, you're cheating and he will see it as that when he finds out.

You sound batshit crazy and immature. I feel sorry for your child.

Firstly you're having an emotional affair

Secondly I'm not sure your mental health is remotely under control because that's a very mixed up and stream of consciousness type OP. are you medicated? Are you under psychiatric care? I think you need to approach a medical professional because you don't sound entirely well.

I was very confused when I got to paragraph 2 as I thought "What - the husband has cheated - I didn't realise that- have I missed some posts?"

I re-read and realised that you are talking about your friend kissing someone. Your friend can kiss who he likes he is a single guy. You are a married woman and to be out of your mind with jealousy because a friend gets off with someone on a night out is mad. It answers your question about how we know this is not a friend but an emotional affair or crush.

To answer another question when your friend gets a girlfriend no you won't see him as much. She will recognise the toxic dynamic here and want you as far away from him as possible- I'm surprised your husband doesn't feel like this too.

Your friend does not give "electric" hugs. It feels electric to have a hug from someone that you have a crush on. I'm sure your first hugs with your husband felt electric- now he's just the mug going out to work each day/looking after your joint kids so you can spend the day or night out flirting with your friend.

The feeling you get from your friend is about an infatuation. An infatuation always feels that way, people always think they have found their "soul mate." These feelings would fade away if you ever became a couple, just as you say the spark faded with your husband. I can guarantee it.

No idea what "the girl who gets" means but it sounds like something you'd hear on a Tik Tok video. You say you have only been getting crumbs, but you also say your husband is a wonderful husband. It can't be both ways. Why can't you see that?
What do you need this guy to help you fight against if your husband is good to you? It makes no sense. What exactly are you saying your husband's parents are doing?
You are not a team with this friend. He is obviously a player who likes to flirt with married women and get an ego boost from their attention. That is what this relationship is about- both of you getting an ego boost and the excitement of the illicit.
However, it does sounds like you are similar, but similar in that you have the same flaws, which is a recipe for disaster. I'll leave you to it because it seems you have already made up your mind. I just thought I'd try one more time.

🤷I give up as well.