My head is a mess and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think like this?

[Lilcrazyop]

Hi there. I’m going to try and keep this brief so it isn’t outing. I’m a youngish married woman. I’ve been married for a few years. I have on toddler already and two furbabies. This past 2 years have been one of the hardest time periods in my life (well the last 4 years really) due to various reasons. I had my baby in that time period and I really struggled mentally during pregnancy and postpartum. Interferring family and in laws didn’t help my state of mind and particularly this past year my marriage had become strained and we had a lot of arguments. I wasn’t myself and I felt very got at by many different people and I felt my husband didn’t understand me and his family were more important etc. things have settled a good bit now thank God

Unfortunately another thing I’ve struggled with is trying to find work and to be financially stable so I can have more of a life that just isn’t about being a mother. I’ve had a lot of letdowns in the careers department including one very recent one. I want to help provide better for my family too.

Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. I hate myself for having these feelings because I also love my husband but I’ve held onto a lot of anger over recent events and what was said to me in arguments etc. me and my guyfriend have always had a spark but we’ve grown close especially in recent months. He’s supported and is supporting me through stuff. We have stepped on the line a few times. I don’t want to lose him especially as I need his support and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. He feels the same but he is a bit of a player. Well he’s a young single guy. He’s 7 years younger than me. He can do what he wants. He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

the last thing is I could be pregnant again and I don’t want to be not yet. A few weeks ago hubby and I had sex using pull out method and I’ve never gotten pregnant by that. He pulled out but a bit dripped in. Sorry tmi. It happened during a time hubby was struggling keeping it hard again sorry tmi and said the condom wasn’t helping. I knew I was at or near my fertile window but my previous boyfriend and I used pull out method and I never got pregnant so thought nothing of it. I had a sick feeling after that I’ll likely fall pregnant by this but tried to brush it to the side now my period is late but I have irregular cycles so I’m seriously hoping it’s a late period as I don’t want another child right now for the reasons above. I’m a Christian so don’t believe in abortion. Honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I’d do it and I hate myself for it. I’ve only just got my mental health in some sort of better order and I don’t want to bring another child into this situation for everyone but me to have leverage over it. Also part of me wishes it was my guyfriends baby I could be carrying. I know wtf my head is a mess. Another reason to not have another baby is the house is too small.

what do I do? I’m so scared

Block your “boyfriend”
get a pregnancy test and decide what to do
stop having unprotected sex
you sound very passive with things happening to you - that’s not the case. You’re making choices
take control

Agree with rubyslippers

Thanks. He’s supportive so I don’t want to block him. Yes it’s condoms from now on. Yes I need to take more control of my life

Focus on your kids.
Running off with another man is not the answer

Just stop.
Get a pregnancy test
Start therapy.

Oh my, it’s all a bit of a mess isn’t it? You can’t have both your “guy friend” and your husband in your life. Sorry but that’s how it is.
You made a commitment to your husband when you married him, forsaking all others- this is the part when you are being tested as to how that commitment is being upheld, and you’re failing.

Instead of addressing your issues within the marriage you are seeking help and clarity out of the relationship- then wondering why you are no longer feeling the same for your husband and growing feelings for this other guy.

Other guy doesnt want you. He doesn’t want to settle down and is able to give you the small increments of attention right now because you belong with someone else and he isn’t in the daily routine of toddler and work and family life. So it’s fake. It’s not real and it’s certainly not love.

WRT the pregnancy issue- do a test and don’t be so stupid as to use anything except full contraception until and unless you DO want a baby. you say you don’t believe in abortion as you’re a Christian- but funnily enough your Christian values aren’t stopping you having an extra marital affair, so would Jesus be less upset by that than a baby born to parents who don’t want it?

Seriously, seek help and advice from a counsellor or even a minister at your church and face up to the issue within your marriage. Then tackle the pregnancy issue (sound like a termination is really the best option all round) and cut ties with the “guy friend” until or unless you separate.

Yes I see your point and I’ll be starting therapy soon

He’s supportive so I don’t want to block him.

Then leave your husband. You can't have both.

I don't think cheating is very Christian

Why not? Husband has his family fighting his corner whereas no one apart from guyfriend is.

I’m not having an affair

If you don’t block him then leave your husband
how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
it’s so disloyal and horrible

Honestly your Christian principles haven’t stopped you having an affair, which I’m sure is frowned on I’m not sure having an abortion is any bigger compromise of those beliefs. The very last thing you need is to bring another child into this situation.

You’re having an emotional affair
don’t kid yourself

Not having sex doesn’t mean it’s not an affair.

Your new guy is a distraction from your real life. The feelings aren't real trust me.
Seek a Dr appointment.. Get on some decent birth control.. Maybe some antidepressants?
Block your friend.. He isn't a friend. He is using you whilst you are vulnerable.. He is in your words a player.. He isn't up for settling down and raising your dc...

No he don’t sound supportive. Any decent man , seeing a vulnerable lady - as your description of yourself points too- would not be behaving like this.
He isn’t helping you.
Find a really good marriage therapist who helps you and DH build a better emotional connection and helps you to communicate more effectively with one another.
These early years can really be a slog. But you come out the other end.
Block this man. He isn’t your true friend and it going to cause you a lot of pain.

What age are you? You describe yourself as “youngish”. I’d take that to be maybe 25, so this other guy could be late teens?

"...I don't want to block him."

You stated you're a Christian? Yeah, this is the "forsaking all others" part of your marriage vows.

Get him blocked.

No I’m early 30’s my friend is mid 20’s

Being in love with another man who also feels the same way is cheating.

My advice would be to sort out your own contraception, don’t rely on a man, take the pill/injections/implant. If you had an inkling that you may get pregnant, why didn’t you take the morning after pill??

Personally, I think you should leave your husband. You say you’ve only been married a few years, haven’t been happy for the past 4 years and have already fallen in love with someone else. It doesn’t sound as though you’re in this marriage for the long term so just cut and run.

He feels the same but he is a bit of a player.

If he’s a player he’ll play you too - probably already is.

Faithful married women can’t seek their support from young player men that they have a crush on. His support is bad for your marriage which should come first.

The grass is greeenest where you water it and your efforts need to go into your marriage.

If it is genuine that you won’t consider an abortion because of your faith then find out if you are pregnant and if you are then you will need to start getting your head around it and get back to being a team with your husband.

If you are not pregnant and don’t want to be then sort out your contraception.

And mid-20s men love nothing more than giving up their freedom to take on a single mum and her two small kids!

You’re living in a fantasy world, OP.

Either leave your marriage, or do everything you can to try and fix it.

And start using proper contraception.

I wouldn't normally do this as it's not very Mumsnet, but since you've said you are a Christian: "I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

Thanks for everyone’s replies. I know I’ve grown a bit too close to my friend but it would be heartbreaking to lose him or/and my husband. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me