My head is a mess and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think like this?

[Lilcrazyop]

Hi there. I’m going to try and keep this brief so it isn’t outing. I’m a youngish married woman. I’ve been married for a few years. I have on toddler already and two furbabies. This past 2 years have been one of the hardest time periods in my life (well the last 4 years really) due to various reasons. I had my baby in that time period and I really struggled mentally during pregnancy and postpartum. Interferring family and in laws didn’t help my state of mind and particularly this past year my marriage had become strained and we had a lot of arguments. I wasn’t myself and I felt very got at by many different people and I felt my husband didn’t understand me and his family were more important etc. things have settled a good bit now thank God

Unfortunately another thing I’ve struggled with is trying to find work and to be financially stable so I can have more of a life that just isn’t about being a mother. I’ve had a lot of letdowns in the careers department including one very recent one. I want to help provide better for my family too.

Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. I hate myself for having these feelings because I also love my husband but I’ve held onto a lot of anger over recent events and what was said to me in arguments etc. me and my guyfriend have always had a spark but we’ve grown close especially in recent months. He’s supported and is supporting me through stuff. We have stepped on the line a few times. I don’t want to lose him especially as I need his support and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. He feels the same but he is a bit of a player. Well he’s a young single guy. He’s 7 years younger than me. He can do what he wants. He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

the last thing is I could be pregnant again and I don’t want to be not yet. A few weeks ago hubby and I had sex using pull out method and I’ve never gotten pregnant by that. He pulled out but a bit dripped in. Sorry tmi. It happened during a time hubby was struggling keeping it hard again sorry tmi and said the condom wasn’t helping. I knew I was at or near my fertile window but my previous boyfriend and I used pull out method and I never got pregnant so thought nothing of it. I had a sick feeling after that I’ll likely fall pregnant by this but tried to brush it to the side now my period is late but I have irregular cycles so I’m seriously hoping it’s a late period as I don’t want another child right now for the reasons above. I’m a Christian so don’t believe in abortion. Honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I’d do it and I hate myself for it. I’ve only just got my mental health in some sort of better order and I don’t want to bring another child into this situation for everyone but me to have leverage over it. Also part of me wishes it was my guyfriends baby I could be carrying. I know wtf my head is a mess. Another reason to not have another baby is the house is too small.

what do I do? I’m so scared

Haha not gonna lie I had a giggle at this comment. Me and hubby usually use condoms which work really well for us but that night hubby said the condom was disrupting his hard on (sorry tmi) so we chanced it and did pull out now wishing we didn’t. Yes back to sex ed for me indeed

Yes it’s defo husband I wouldn’t step over the line and have sex with another

But you stepped on the line? What did that entail?

Grow up, take control of your life.
End the emotional affair with 'guy friend'
get a pregnancy test and take a decision
Use birth control
Stop using the term furbaby... you're a grown woman.

Yes yous are right my life is messy and I need to sort it out but don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Yes I need to work on my marriage and I will do but I just feel I need to start to trust that I won’t be thrown in a hole on my own which has been implied if I have another bad mental health crash. I love my husband but he doesn’t stand up for me enough when his parents say stuff to and about me. You don’t realise that I feel I’m the only one fighting for me and my friend fights in my corner too. I can’t lose that. My guyfriend had a go at trolls on my social media platform the other day. Really put them in their place. He would do the same if he caught someone saying stuff to me in real life. No one is perfect and I know I’m far from it and I need to sort my life out. I’m terrified of the thought of being pregnant again because I don’t want to make a choice on my baby’s life but I know I can’t cope with 2 with such a short age gap. God forgive me for saying this but if I am pregnant it’ll be better all round if I miscarry because it wouldn’t be fair on that child or the rest of my family to be brought into a mess. I’m so sorry for you all who’ve lost babies. Please don’t take offence by me saying this. I know I’m a grown woman and I need to put my big girl pants on and sort this.

I cuddled him a few times. I did kiss him on the cheek last weekend when I was drunk and I tried kissing him on the lips like a peck. I’m ashamed to say it.

The furbabies are my kids too and I have to think of them as well as my human child and my husband

I know I’m immature and I need to grow up. I’m gonna do a pregnancy test at the end of the week because I’m scared of the result lol

You are having an affair. Just because it’s not physical yet doesn’t mean it’s not an affair. An emotional affair hurts just as much. Your husband deserves to know.

You must block this so called friend immediately. Would your husband go to marriage counselling with you? To be honest it might be too late to save your marriage. Not many people can truly forgive and forget an affair.

Why the lol ? This is real life and people you’re messing around with

You’re an adult, fight your own corner. Plenty of single parents have nobody ‘fighting their corner’ and just get on with it. You don’t NEED this friend, you’re just enjoying the feeling of him ‘rescuing’ you. He stuck up for you once online - dear me, that doesn’t make him a knight in shining armour. You really need to take a step back, get some therapy and stop making excuses for your own poor behaviour.

Do you live with your in-laws? What kinds of things has your MIL said to you that your husband hasn’t defended you on?

You’re doing the classic script of minimising. Firstly it was a guy friend, then it was just getting close emotionally, now it’s a bit of kiss and cuddle.

Stop having an emotional affair.
Stop having unprotected sex if you don’t want to be pregnant.
Stop using the term furbaby.
Get yourself a therapist.

I get that but how can you seriously tell the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

Friends don't wish their male friend had got them pregnant, got jealous when he kissed a woman, or tried to kiss him on the lips.

Fight your own corner. With your husband, or without.

Go to couples therapy, so you can both communicate your frustrations with each other to each other, and commit to working on them. Because just as you have legitimate grievances and frustrations, so does he.

Your 'guyfriend' is as much as anything a fantasy construct in your head. He's not dealing with the wife with poor mental health, the little one at a challenging developmental phase, the running and providing for a household that the two of you are doing, together, both in your own ways.

The minute you feel yourself getting enmeshed with another person to the point that it is impinging on your relationship, be that emotionally or physically, you pull back. Hard. And you sure as fuck stop pissing it up with them - take responsibility for your own actions.

I have a niece your age. You sound very like her. All a bit silly and giggly, all about her, stuffing her life (and her kids) up, and really quite enjoying the drama, and the attention, not taking responsibility for her own choices, actions and consequences, very quick to perceive hurt and fault from others though. Spoiler alert - it's not going so well for her, and it's not likely to for you.

You'd tell your husband about a close friendship.

Imagine you haven't told him about these pecks on the cheeks and hugs?

If it were reversed - Husband kissing a woman on the lips and cuddling. You'd think that was cheating right?

Would you tell your partner how much time you spend with friend? What you talk about? Is it a secret?

are you putting emotional energy into relationship with friend? Relying on them?

how does talking to them make you feel? Do you miss them? Do you get excited about seeing them?

I think the answers to those will tell you what’s a friendship vs an affair

If you’re a Christian then your emotional affair and desires for your friend is as much a sin as an abortion no?

Step back from the friend
Seek counselling - could even be at church - with your husband
Take a test
Organise reliable birth control if not pregnant (the pull out method is not a method, it’s highly ineffective).

It’s quite simple. You’d be open with you DH about a close friendship. You’d be happy to let him see your texts and interactions. Would you cuddle this guy or try to kiss him in front of your DH?

If you’re hiding stuff, it is an emotional affair not a friendship.

He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

Just reposting something you said yourself up thread. Things about your husband should be between you and your husband.

(ETA: unless you are unsafe because of your husband.)

And also what have you told your DH about this guy, if you talk to the guy about your DH? If the answer is nothing, DH doesn't even know, then it's an emotional affair you are hiding from him.

My husband knows about my friend and knows him. I will admit I acted silly last weekend. I got a bad knock back from potential workplace and had to watch others get what I didn’t. I shouldn’t have flipped like that. I stupidly drunkenly cuddled guyfriend in front of people. My friend was horrified about the nasty shit I said about the girl he kissed because I was angry that she spilled my drink on me then instead of making sure I was ok he kissed her because she threw herself at him. He can do what he wants but at least make sure your friend is ok first

Also, just wow.

God forgive me for saying this but if I am pregnant it’ll be better all round if I miscarry because it wouldn’t be fair on that child or the rest of my family to be brought into a mess. I’m so sorry for you all who’ve lost babies. Please don’t take offence by me saying this.

You’re behaving like a lovestruck teenager. Grow up

Yes I can see I’ve got too close to my friend and I need to step back and re evaluate myself and my life and my priorities