My head is a mess and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think like this?

[Lilcrazyop]

Hi there. I’m going to try and keep this brief so it isn’t outing. I’m a youngish married woman. I’ve been married for a few years. I have on toddler already and two furbabies. This past 2 years have been one of the hardest time periods in my life (well the last 4 years really) due to various reasons. I had my baby in that time period and I really struggled mentally during pregnancy and postpartum. Interferring family and in laws didn’t help my state of mind and particularly this past year my marriage had become strained and we had a lot of arguments. I wasn’t myself and I felt very got at by many different people and I felt my husband didn’t understand me and his family were more important etc. things have settled a good bit now thank God

Unfortunately another thing I’ve struggled with is trying to find work and to be financially stable so I can have more of a life that just isn’t about being a mother. I’ve had a lot of letdowns in the careers department including one very recent one. I want to help provide better for my family too.

Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. I hate myself for having these feelings because I also love my husband but I’ve held onto a lot of anger over recent events and what was said to me in arguments etc. me and my guyfriend have always had a spark but we’ve grown close especially in recent months. He’s supported and is supporting me through stuff. We have stepped on the line a few times. I don’t want to lose him especially as I need his support and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. He feels the same but he is a bit of a player. Well he’s a young single guy. He’s 7 years younger than me. He can do what he wants. He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

the last thing is I could be pregnant again and I don’t want to be not yet. A few weeks ago hubby and I had sex using pull out method and I’ve never gotten pregnant by that. He pulled out but a bit dripped in. Sorry tmi. It happened during a time hubby was struggling keeping it hard again sorry tmi and said the condom wasn’t helping. I knew I was at or near my fertile window but my previous boyfriend and I used pull out method and I never got pregnant so thought nothing of it. I had a sick feeling after that I’ll likely fall pregnant by this but tried to brush it to the side now my period is late but I have irregular cycles so I’m seriously hoping it’s a late period as I don’t want another child right now for the reasons above. I’m a Christian so don’t believe in abortion. Honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I’d do it and I hate myself for it. I’ve only just got my mental health in some sort of better order and I don’t want to bring another child into this situation for everyone but me to have leverage over it. Also part of me wishes it was my guyfriends baby I could be carrying. I know wtf my head is a mess. Another reason to not have another baby is the house is too small.

what do I do? I’m so scared

He's only "supportive" because he wants in your knickers.

Get a pregnancy test. Do the pregnancy test. If pregnant unprotected sex with your husband is pointless.
That’s your first step.

Op this means you're having an emotional affair. You know you're too close and it sounds like the player is thriving on the attention. He's not a close friend he's the man that you could potentially compromise your family for. Thus won't just affect you and your husband but your child. If you need someone to speak to then find a therapist if you have no other friends or family that can support you. You've only got feelings for this man as he's saying all the things you want from your husband. Either way step back, try to fix things with your husband or go it alone as now is not the time to start messing with someone else as I guarantee he would happily step into an affair but he's not there for the long road and will drop you (and your child). There is nowhere things can go but badly as things stand. You need a wake up call, you keep writing as if things are just happening and you've no control but you do and as a parent you owe it to your child to try. Deal with the most immediate and buy a pregnancy test so you know either way

What's wrong with you is that you want to have your cake and eat it too.

You've had some tough times in the recent years, and you're holding on to resentment and self pity.

You're a bit picky and choosy about your religious beliefs, aren't you? When it comes to pregnancy, you will need to think very hard about the best interests of your family, most especially your children, primarily the one you already have. You are in a less than stable relationship, mentally and financially struggling, what is best for them? Think damned hard about whether you bring another into this mess.

As for this guy and his 'support'? It's easy for him, he can dip in and out as he wants, all he has to do is say what you want to hear. There's no cost to him.

But you are dipping out on your marriage. Either commit to it, get some couples counselling, and find a way for the pair of you to make it work, or figure out how you are going to live a life that doesn't hinge on having a relationship with your guy friend that compromises your marriage and family going forward.

You like the attention.

Honestly, it’s that simple. You’re unhappy in your marriage and are clinging on to any crumb of attention from another man.

By convincing yourself that another man is interested, you can convince yourself that you’re not reliant on your husband for attention and affection, and he’s the problem, not you as you’re totally desirable.

You’ll never fix this marriage while you have someone you see as another option on the sidelines. You have to cut contact, or end your marriage.

But you need to cop on. You have a child to consider here, not just yourself.

OP you have asked for advice and every single response has recommended pulling back from your supportive friend. Are they all wrong or could they have a point? Why don't you try stepping back and working on your marriage for a period of time?

As I read the first post and got to “my husband doesn’t understand me” I thought that the script is not just for men and there’ll be some other bloke in the mix. Unsurprisingly that was the case.

op you’re having an affair. You need to either stop it or end your marriage. As it stands you’re being selfish, breaking your marriage vows and treating your husband badly.

And based on your other post today, this man doesn’t feel the same. He’s pursuing other women. They’re not tied down with husbands and toddlers and possible pregnancies so good for him.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5366410-is-it-normal-to-get-jealous-when-your-guyfriend-kisses-another-girl-in-front-of-you

This.

Before I even got to the pregnancy bit I was thinking "whatever you do... DO NOThave another child"

You need to bin off the "male friend"...

Ignore your feelings you aren't thinking logically...

he is 7 years younger he isnt financially stable, he probably isn't serious,
He is unlikely to want to be a step parent and even if he says he is it means nothing because he has NO concept of what it actually means...
Annnnnddddyou probably dont even really love him - he is just an escape hatch from your current life.

Fix the problems you have- stop making new ones by:

1. trying to have an affair
2. Dragging another child into the situation

Becoming a mother throws you for a loop... it derailed my career (despite me doing all thr "right things" and impacted me in ways I couldnt have foreseen).

You need to work to get back on an even keel and stable position before you start making life altering choices like ending your marriage.

Good luck 💕

You and your feeling are not the only things at play here. You're gambling with your child's future, and risking creating another unwanted child. Grow up. Thirties isn't youngish, contraception is taught in schools.

While I agree with everyone that you're on to a loser with your friend, I don't blame you for feeling resentful towards your husband. You should tell him that your in-laws have no business interfering with your life and that if he doesn't have your back on that, you'll end the marriage. I would be livid if my husband was allowing his relatives a say in our relationship.

I had sympathy until this part Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. And then I didn't bother reading the rest.

This is the main reason why you are posting. You want validation for an extra marital affair.

Sorry but, just no.

Ditch the boyfriend and get yourself some counselling first and foremost. Then get marriage counselling for you and DH to try and salvage your relationship for your sake, his sake and your child's sake. They didn't ask for this.

You are having an affair. Would you have the conversations you have with your boyfriend in front of your DH? Do you hide your messages with your boyfriend from your DH. Would you behave differently with your boyfriend in front of DH than you do alone?

It’s an emotional affair. You either cut off the boyfriend and work on your marriage or you leave your husband for you boyfriend. You can’t have your cake and eat it. You cannot justify what you’re currently doing by claiming you need the support of your bf. It is wrong.

'We have stepped on the line a few times'
What does this mean?

You should tell your husband you're in love with a young player bloke and have stepped on the line a few times with him.
It's not fair on him to not be fully informed.

It means the OP is not of nice character.

Falling in love as an adult is a choice. You’re not in a fairytale. Marriage is about every day choosing your husband not making excuses for betrayal. You make poor choices and live becomes much harder. Sorry to be harsh but the posts I’ve read imply you think life has been hard like you don’t have any control.

So, to clarify, if you’re pregnant, it’s definitely your husbands?

I too don’t fully understand what stepping on a line entails. Hopefully not sex?

Your life sounds chaotic and messy. You need to focus your energy on the child you have, not playing childish games with a younger man. If you were the man/dad in this scenario pursuing a younger relationship you would have been torn to shreds.

I think you need to grow up, I’m quite surprised you are in your 30s.

While you are spending time with your boyfriend you aren’t focusing on your marriage. No wonder you are having problems. Frankly you sound selfish and immature. You can’t have it both ways. Either concentrate on your marriage or do your husband a favour and leave.

Ohhh why didn’t you say so! Of course you must have everything you want, you must have your cake and eat it too, you couldn’t possibly be expected to make a choice that involves you committing to one man or the other (even if you’re already married to one of them). How very Christian of you.

I thought only naive young teenages thought the pulling out method was actually an effective form of contraception....turns out 30 year old grown adult mothers do to, back to sex ed for you love.

Oh he definitely already is. He’s lining her up for a shag or a ‘oh so emotional affair’.

Tell him you’re leaving your husband and you and the bairn will be round to his with your stuff in an hour and watch the support disappear.

You are having a tough time OP no doubt, but this bloke isn’t helping.

Pregnancy test, then work out what you want to do about that, then ditch the friend and work on the rest of your life. You’re so vulnerable and the player is playing.

So, go tell your husband that’s he’s not enough for you and, while you still want him around, your emotional affair partner will also be on the scene for the foreseeable future, to tell you what you want to hear. It’s only right that your husband knows the full situation, don’t you think?

I think you’re enjoying the drama. Step back from your ‘friend’.
Find support from other mums in your area, not a young single guy you have a crush on..

not very christian of you-i do love it when people pick and choose parts of their faith to follow

reminds me of trump supporters