My head is a mess and I don’t know what to do. AIBU to think like this?

[Lilcrazyop]

Hi there. I’m going to try and keep this brief so it isn’t outing. I’m a youngish married woman. I’ve been married for a few years. I have on toddler already and two furbabies. This past 2 years have been one of the hardest time periods in my life (well the last 4 years really) due to various reasons. I had my baby in that time period and I really struggled mentally during pregnancy and postpartum. Interferring family and in laws didn’t help my state of mind and particularly this past year my marriage had become strained and we had a lot of arguments. I wasn’t myself and I felt very got at by many different people and I felt my husband didn’t understand me and his family were more important etc. things have settled a good bit now thank God

Unfortunately another thing I’ve struggled with is trying to find work and to be financially stable so I can have more of a life that just isn’t about being a mother. I’ve had a lot of letdowns in the careers department including one very recent one. I want to help provide better for my family too.

Amother thing which has unfortunately happened is that I’ve fallen in love with a close male friend. I hate myself for having these feelings because I also love my husband but I’ve held onto a lot of anger over recent events and what was said to me in arguments etc. me and my guyfriend have always had a spark but we’ve grown close especially in recent months. He’s supported and is supporting me through stuff. We have stepped on the line a few times. I don’t want to lose him especially as I need his support and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. He feels the same but he is a bit of a player. Well he’s a young single guy. He’s 7 years younger than me. He can do what he wants. He’s told me on multiple occasions that I can open up to him about anything even if it’s about my husband as he won’t tell him I know how wrong this sounds.

the last thing is I could be pregnant again and I don’t want to be not yet. A few weeks ago hubby and I had sex using pull out method and I’ve never gotten pregnant by that. He pulled out but a bit dripped in. Sorry tmi. It happened during a time hubby was struggling keeping it hard again sorry tmi and said the condom wasn’t helping. I knew I was at or near my fertile window but my previous boyfriend and I used pull out method and I never got pregnant so thought nothing of it. I had a sick feeling after that I’ll likely fall pregnant by this but tried to brush it to the side now my period is late but I have irregular cycles so I’m seriously hoping it’s a late period as I don’t want another child right now for the reasons above. I’m a Christian so don’t believe in abortion. Honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I’d do it and I hate myself for it. I’ve only just got my mental health in some sort of better order and I don’t want to bring another child into this situation for everyone but me to have leverage over it. Also part of me wishes it was my guyfriends baby I could be carrying. I know wtf my head is a mess. Another reason to not have another baby is the house is too small.

what do I do? I’m so scared

You not sounding very rational here. Talk to your husband and see if he will agree to go to marriage counselling with you. Good luck.

I know I don’t sound that rational. It’s a reflection of where my head is at. Why am I still angry about how I was treated this past year (yes I wasn’t the easiest person to live with during pnd) and also why am I angry that I wasn’t the one he picked to kiss.

Stop the unprotected sex and either work on your marriage or leave it. Also pray!!

Can I ask you honestly can you see guyfriend being there for the long run and visiting my house more often? I wish I saw him more often as I’d be a much happier girl. Why am I acting this way? This isn’t healthy to be feeling this way when I’m married

Yes I need a lot of prayer

Actually, maybe start some counselling by yourself to start with. There’s an awful lot to unpack here.

You need to cut this dude off. Or admit you're gonna shag him, he's gonna piss off and you're gonna be left with no husband and no 'guyfriend'.

How can you tell he’ll piss off? What’s the red flags?

Wow your priorities are all wrong girl. That's what you picked out from my comment? If you care so little about your hub you need to divorce pronto.

The fact that he’s cosying up to a married women while also pulling out her girls in front of her. How can you not see he’s bad news?

I get that. What do you think if I hypothetically got with him properly do you think he’d be the type to stay or not?

I hate to say this but you are totally hopeless.

Thanks again for everyone’s replies. I need to defo work on a few things in my life. I was sad watching back my birthday night out vlog on my YouTube channel as you can tell I was masking sadness and there wasn’t as much clips of that night and also not as much dancing as usual so that alone tells me that things need to change. I need to find a way to fill that void I have. I love my husband but also love my guyfriend. That sounds awful I know it does. When I’m with my husband I feel secure and it’s a familiar type of love. I love him for him but in some ways I can tell we are too different where it can clash a lot. I don’t have much to do for myself during the day as I don’t work and I don’t really have a set routine so I have a lot of time to overthink and I just feel unhappy a lot. Yes he’s an amazing husband and father to our kids, he does his fair share etc which I’m so so grateful for. We still have that spark but lately it’s dulled a little. The love I have for my guyfriend is that I love him for who he is, I love how supportive he is to me, I love that I don’t have to mask myself or how I feel around him (he even pointed out that he noticed I mask myself when I’m around my husband but when he leaves us in the house to go to work I become my true self), I feel like I’m young again around him, I feel like I’m put on a pedestal, the cuddles that man gives me are electric. I swear that man can touch and hold like no other. I feel like I’m the girl I want to be around him and it upsets me that I can’t feel that way with my husband. Also it upsets me that I didn’t get to feel that way on my birthday as parts of the night guyfriend was a bit standoffish but maybe that’s because I was a bit too much showing how I truly feel.

it’s all changing because in 6 months time I’ll be that girl who gets. I’ll be the girl who no longer has to fight for things, no longer has to fight for crumbs. If I’m not the best version of myself with both men in my life I can’t go on. I will be seeing him more often too as other girls get to see their guyfriends. My husband has his parents fighting his corner, I need guyfriend to fight in my corner, we are so similar and we are a team!

Yes and that will be changing as I’ll become the girl who gets easily. Not watching others get while I have to fight for crumbs

Oh good grief. This emotional affair is not a substitute for sorting out your life.
That's what's at the root of this. You want this friend to "save" you from a troubled marriage instead of doing something about it yourself. This passivity is going to make life very difficult for you.

Frankly this sounds very self indulgent and somewhat unhinged.

Where do you see yourself in 6 months? What will have changed?

I think you would massively benefit from getting a job by the way. It would give you more focus in your life.

@Lilcrazyop Yup you are crazy. And so self centred it astounds me you’ve actually given birth. Not a single mention of your child is given in all your rants about you you you… how you feel how you want to be someone else. How you are fooling yourself that you’re young and some party chick so happy and fun.

Fuck sake woman, grow up! You have a husband and a child and you should be putting your child’s welfare above everything else. You say you spend so much time with guy friend. What does your child make of that? You say your husband is a good dad- yet you’re willing to risk ending the marriage and having your child grow up in a split home just for your “spark”??

I am so relieved you are not pregnant and feel sorry for your child. I am embarrassed for you, describing yourself as Christian in one post and yet so so utterly selfish.

Sounds like you’re planning to ruin your life then. This “guyfriend” is not interested in a relationship with you, he might fancy a bit on the side, but he won’t want the hassle of supporting you and the kids through a messy divorce. I’m curious to know exactly what you think is going to change in six months.

I think in six months it is very likely your husband will be divorcing you for infidelity, you will be scrambling to find a home you can afford on your own with the kids and having to settle for somewhere tiny, your social life will be dead because you’ll have to fit in around your kids and your his won’t babysit whenever suits you, and this “guyfriend” will be long gone.

If I were your husband I would have left you to it too. And I'd definitely be seeking full day to day care of my child and looking to divorce you. The man must damned near have the patience of a saint to be putting up with you.

I’ve been trying to get a job for several months and keep getting let down but yes I need to work and get counselling. I see myself hopefully being happier in 6 months time, having a good job, feeling more secure in my support system, seeing loved ones more regularly, getting into better shape and being the girl that gets

Well before you judge walk a mile in my shoes. My youth was taken away from me and it’s ok for me to want to relive it. I look young, I may not be a wee 18 year old and I wish I could be. Yes my child and husband are on my list of priorities thank you very much. Unfortunately I’m lucky I get to see guyfriend once a month and it should be more but we talk everyday. I see other girls getting to see their guyfriends a lot and you don’t realise how much I want to scream at that because that should be me. When you have to grow up fighting for even basic human rights and sometimes when you still have to then you’ll understand. I take it you’re some middle class woman who gets everything handed to her on a plate? Yep thought so.

You are not ‘masking’ in front of your husband when your boyfriend is there. You’re just being cagey because you feel awkward when you’re in the company of your DH AND your BF, and you don’t want your DH to spot that you’re having an affair. Nobody would feel relaxed in that situation. Of course you’ll relax and be yourself when he leaves, just as I’m sure you’d relax in front of DH if BF left.

Your BF has got shit-stirring player written all over him. He is very bad news. You don’t need him, you’re just lying to yourself to justify your poor behaviour.

When you have to grow up fighting for even basic human rights and sometimes when you still have to then you’ll understand.

And please stop the self-pitying attempts at justification. I raised my brothers from the age of 7 as my mother was a non-functioning alcoholic who was drunk around the clock. I had my first child at 17. I also never had a youth. I had the shittest life possible, but I’ve never used it as an excuse for selfishness or to hurt people.

Honestly if you are Christian I would go and speak to someone at your church about it. I don't normally comment on these threads but everything you said points me toward you feeling you don't actually want this baby, so it's about dealing with the complicated feelings you are having. If there is no one at your church then speak to a counsellor 1.1. Good luck.

TBH you don’t sound well, do you still have access to the mental health team?

Google limerence, that will explain these intense feelings your having with your ‘guy friend’.

You’re a married woman and you’re having an emotional affair whether you like it or not. It’s pretty awful behaviour towards your husband.

Perhaps step away from both men, have therapy for childhood trauma and concentrate on your child.