Page 19 | To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

Shardlake63 · 2025-07-03T08:10:49+00:00

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary. As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total. I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this. We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight. The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered. First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner. Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥 I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner. AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb. As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else. Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

Original poster

Shardlake63 · 04/07/2025 07:59

TammyJones · 04/07/2025 07:48

And then did your dh rise it with his dad?
or was there no point ….

No, no point.
It would just have caused a big argument, so not worth it really.😕

OP posts:

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2025 08:18

Shardlake63 · 04/07/2025 07:32

Thank you all for your comments, which I have now read through.
For those of you saying IABU for not checking the set menu beforehand and that it was on me to do so, you have obviously missed what I've said in one of my previous posts. We were NOT informed it was a set menu. Nor did we know that the choice of menu had already been decided for us. We only found this out when we arrived and were already seated at the restaurant. We were simply told that PILs had booked a meal to celebrate their wedding anniversary at X restaurant on X day at X time.
We assumed - as I think most people reasonably would - that we were booked into a normal restaurant and would be able to choose what we wanted to eat from the full menu. I would simply have advised the waiting staff about my allergy on the day and could quite easily have avoided any dishes containing either salmon or lamb.
My husband does have my back and did, in fact, raise this with his mum the next day. He just didn't want to make a big fuss at the actual event. We found out that when booking, the restaurant had provided my PILs with a menu showing the various options available for private dining, similar to a Christmas menu with a choice of 4 or 5 starters, 4 or 5 mains etc. at a set price per head. The food is good - we've eaten in the main restaurant before on previous visits - and is not particularly cheap.
The idea was that the guests would be sent a copy of the menu and asked to make their selection before the day. The meal would therefore be pre-ordered and cooked ready to serve at the event.
All fine and dandy, other than the fact that my FIL couldn't be bothered faffing about - his words - sending the menu out and waiting for everyone to make up their minds, so he decided that everyone should have the same meal "to keep it simple".
He selected salmon and lamb, as that is what he likes, and ordered the same for everyone else too. Whether the venue queried his choice I really couldn't say, as we were not party to the arrangements.
FIL has always been opinionated and has become increasingly cantankerous as he's gotten older. They're both in their 80's now and MIL no longer has the will or energy to argue with him, so she just lets him have his way as it's easier.
As it turned out, some of the other guests were also unaware of the arrangements until they arrived. Luckily, they were able to eat the meal, but some did remark that had they known that there were other dishes available to order, the meal that was served would not have been their first choice.
Oh, and those remarking that they have never seen roast dinners served ready plated, I can only assume this is a regional thing as it is quite usual in the North where our PILs live. Most eateries serving a Sunday roast type meal bring it to the table ready plated. Some put the gravy on before it is served and others serve the gravy separately in a jug or gravy boat for you to help yourself, but both are equally common.
The whole mess simply boils down to a lack of communication and FILs failure to arrange things properly.
As it turned out, I didn't go entirely hungry. When travelling, we always put a few bottles of water and a few snacks in the car in case of delays or if the car should break down. The hotel we stayed in also had biscuits included on the hospitality tray and a small bowl of fruit, apple, banana - that sort of thing, so I was able to eat something. I also had a big slap up breakfast in the morning before leaving for home.

The way you said they were in the original post summoned it up. One couldn’t be bothered and just did what they wanted without consideration to others and choosing not to ask because they didn’t want to do the extra bit of work to make sure everyone could eat the meal and the other enabled because they didn’t want to deal with them and somehow couldn’t tell one person in the family beforehand what the situation was so they could inform others.

Not sure why some are making a big deal over the gravy thing. I had gone to a London restaurant that was doing a roast where they had poured gravy over itvs the side. Other times as you said, it is on the side.

PollyBell · 04/07/2025 08:19

So any time one person does not like something a whole event for everyone has to be changed?

PollyBell · 04/07/2025 08:19

So any time one person does not like something a whole event for everyone has to be changed?

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/07/2025 08:24

phoenixrosehere · 03/07/2025 12:01

It is such an odd combination, salmon and lamb.

I’d have sent it back and asked for no gravy on my vegetables or on the side. If it would have been considered rude, I don’t care.

Is it odd? Interesting. Maybe a bit rich?

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 08:54

PollyBell · 04/07/2025 08:19

So any time one person does not like something a whole event for everyone has to be changed?

This post wasn't worth posting once, never mind twice.

mydogisthebest · 04/07/2025 09:12

I knew it would be in the North because of being covered in gravy. Northerners are not only obsessed with gravy, they also seem to think everyone loves it and wants soggy food

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/07/2025 09:30

Your update makes them sound even more unreasonable and makes sense of alot of the details.

Is FIL usually incredibly thoughtless and overbearing?

So little bother to find out what people want to eat too.

For the pp who said this, I don’t think salmon and lamb is unusual, I don’t think it is. I think it’s quite common to have either fish or veggie starter if you’re having a meat main, or a veggie start if you’re having a fish main. If
youre having a veggie main you can have whatever starter you want! It’s not a rule obviously, but I was told once that this is “usual”.

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2025 09:51

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/07/2025 09:30

Your update makes them sound even more unreasonable and makes sense of alot of the details.

Is FIL usually incredibly thoughtless and overbearing?

So little bother to find out what people want to eat too.

For the pp who said this, I don’t think salmon and lamb is unusual, I don’t think it is. I think it’s quite common to have either fish or veggie starter if you’re having a meat main, or a veggie start if you’re having a fish main. If
youre having a veggie main you can have whatever starter you want! It’s not a rule obviously, but I was told once that this is “usual”.

To me, it is when you’re not expecting it.

It would not be a combination I would expect going to a sit down dinner with no warning. Someone choosing to order that fine, expecting others to be fine with it, no.

Smokesandeats · 04/07/2025 10:29

@Shardlake63 your update makes things a lot clearer, as I found it hard to believe that there were no other options available at the restaurant. Your FIL simply didn’t care about his guests having any choice about what they ate, even if the food could make them unwell. He’s an arrogant, selfish pig.

For any future celebrations hosted by your PIL at that restaurant, you will know to take sandwiches in your handbag!

HarrietBond · 04/07/2025 10:33

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2025 08:18

The way you said they were in the original post summoned it up. One couldn’t be bothered and just did what they wanted without consideration to others and choosing not to ask because they didn’t want to do the extra bit of work to make sure everyone could eat the meal and the other enabled because they didn’t want to deal with them and somehow couldn’t tell one person in the family beforehand what the situation was so they could inform others.

Not sure why some are making a big deal over the gravy thing. I had gone to a London restaurant that was doing a roast where they had poured gravy over itvs the side. Other times as you said, it is on the side.

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Yeah, also mystified by why the gravy is surprising people. I love gravy and quite often have to ask for extra because the food is served with a small amount already on it and I want more. I’m always thrilled to see a jug, and it’s getting more common, but it’s totally normal in my experience for it to be on the food when it arrives. And that’s not a regional thing.

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 10:34

PollyBell · 04/07/2025 08:19

So any time one person does not like something a whole event for everyone has to be changed?

Why would OP not eating lamb or salmon have changed the event

thepariscrimefiles · 04/07/2025 10:48

Mumble12 · 04/07/2025 10:34

Why would OP not eating lamb or salmon have changed the event

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Exactly. OP said that a number of the other guests who could eat the salmon and lamb still said that if FIL has circulated the menu choices to the guests, as the restaurant expected him to do, they would have chosen different meals that they would have enjoyed more.

OP's FIL sounds like a selfish dickhead, not for choosing his favourite meal of salmon and lamb for himself, but for insisting on ordering it for everyone else because consulting them would have been a 'faff'. It sounds as though him being happy was the only criteria to be met. His guests didn't matter.

mydogisthebest · 04/07/2025 11:42

HarrietBond · 04/07/2025 10:33

Yeah, also mystified by why the gravy is surprising people. I love gravy and quite often have to ask for extra because the food is served with a small amount already on it and I want more. I’m always thrilled to see a jug, and it’s getting more common, but it’s totally normal in my experience for it to be on the food when it arrives. And that’s not a regional thing.

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I have never eaten anywhere in London, Essex or Kent where the meal came with gravy on it. Always comes in a small jug although I always say I don't want any.

I think it is really bad to serve a meal with gravy already on it and not everyone likes it

TwigletsAndRadishes · 04/07/2025 11:52

mydogisthebest · 04/07/2025 11:42

I have never eaten anywhere in London, Essex or Kent where the meal came with gravy on it. Always comes in a small jug although I always say I don't want any.

I think it is really bad to serve a meal with gravy already on it and not everyone likes it

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We eat sunday roasts in lots of pubs and restaurants and it's pretty unusual for the gravy to be already on the plate. Sometimes it is on the meat, but then the veg is usually served in separate sharing dishes. To have everything on one plate and already covered in gravy is quite unusual.

TammyJones · 04/07/2025 12:16

Shardlake63 · 04/07/2025 07:59

No, no point.
It would just have caused a big argument, so not worth it really.😕

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How can anyone get to 80 and be THIS selfish and still have friends / family to go out to dinner with????
did they pay???
id be bending over backwards to accommodate my loved ones.

Original poster

Shardlake63 · 04/07/2025 12:37

@TammyJones
Yes they did pay, and I would add that the bill was well into four figures by the end of the night, including drinks. I would have been absolutely raging if we had had to pay for a meal I couldn't eat and didn't want, along with all the other expenses we incurred on this trip!
Presumably this is what made FIL think it was okay for him to order everyone's food for them, as he was footing the bill??
It was a shame, as the food was well cooked, served and presented - I just couldn't eat any of it (except the dessert). 😟

OP posts:

BIossomtoes · 04/07/2025 12:42

TammyJones · 04/07/2025 12:16

How can anyone get to 80 and be THIS selfish and still have friends / family to go out to dinner with????
did they pay???
id be bending over backwards to accommodate my loved ones.

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It’s selfish to entertain 20 people at well over £50 a head? I guess most people would be delighted to encounter such selfishness.

TammyJones · 04/07/2025 12:50

BIossomtoes · 04/07/2025 12:42

It’s selfish to entertain 20 people at well over £50 a head? I guess most people would be delighted to encounter such selfishness.

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Sounds like is ‘buying people’ because ti be inconsiderate of the fact not everyone liked the same food is selfish.
I could have eaten lamb but don’t like salmon.
I would imagine fil has form, and his wife has been battered down …. Very sad.

thing47 · 04/07/2025 12:54

So the restaurant were actually totally normal and were expecting guests to choose from several different options? The issue is 100% that your FIL is a complete dick.

At least you know now that for any future invitations you will have to clarify whether you are going to get a choice of what to eat. Personally, I just wouldn't go if FIL decided he was going to chose for me - if giving guests a choice is too much faff, then so is attending 😁

derxa · 04/07/2025 12:58

Shardlake63 · 04/07/2025 12:37

@TammyJones
Yes they did pay, and I would add that the bill was well into four figures by the end of the night, including drinks. I would have been absolutely raging if we had had to pay for a meal I couldn't eat and didn't want, along with all the other expenses we incurred on this trip!
Presumably this is what made FIL think it was okay for him to order everyone's food for them, as he was footing the bill??
It was a shame, as the food was well cooked, served and presented - I just couldn't eat any of it (except the dessert). 😟

What a fuss about nothing.

qotsa · 04/07/2025 12:58

The PPs saying you’re a fussy eater. An allergy to salmon is an allergy. Not being fussy. Then not liking lamb. One thing mentioned. Loads of people don’t like lamb.

whackamole666 · 04/07/2025 13:05

derxa · 04/07/2025 12:58

What a fuss about nothing.

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Not a fuss about nothing.

It's a dick move to invite people for dinner and then serve food they know their guest (s) can't eat.

It's controlling and inhospitable.

whynotwhatknot · 04/07/2025 13:14

well its the fil being selfish then couldnt be bothered to ask everyone what they wanted

charming

ChwipDin · 04/07/2025 13:15

@derxa, Do you think being disappointed with being invited for a meal out 200 miles away that means paying for a hotel room, and anticipating a three-course meal arrive quite peckish only to find that the starter is something that brings you out in a rash, the main is something that you can't eat because it makes you gag, and the pudding although delicious is not filling, making a fuss over nothing?