To be upset by PILS choice of celebration meal.

[Shardlake63]

My PILs have just celebrated a significant wedding anniversary.
As part of that celebration, they hosted dinner in a private room at a local (to them) restaurant for their extended family - about 20 of us in total.
I am definitely not a picky eater. I eat pretty much everything, except salmon (which I am allergic to - it brings me out in a very itchy rash) and lamb (which I have always hated, and even the smell makes me want to throw up). My PILs are fully aware of this.
We travelled the best part of 200 miles to attend this dinner, not to mention the cost of an overnight stay in a local hotel as relatives with spare rooms were already full with their own sons/daughters and families staying overnight.
The meal was a set dinner - no choice or alternative was offered.
First course was smoked salmon, which I could not eat due to my allergy. Fair enough, I thought I would just fill up on the main course. However, the main course turned out to be a roast lamb dinner.
Apart from the smell of it knocking me sick, I couldn't even just eat the veg as it came to the table already smothered in a lamb based gravy.😥
I ended up just eating the dessert - a slice of lemon cheesecake - which was lovely, but hardly a satisfying substitution for what should have been a 3 course dinner.
AIBU to be upset at the lack of thought and consideration here? I was quite happy to forego the starter, but most restaurants do at least offer a vegetarian alternative for the main, which I would have been more than happy with. I also eat beef, chicken, pork, turkey, duck etc. and other fish (including shellfish) - I am not a fussy eater by any stretch of the imagination, so it would not have been difficult for my in-laws to ask the restaurant to provide me with an alternative to the lamb.
As it was, I had barely any dinner and by the time the meal was finished it was too late for me to eat anywhere else.
Am I being unreasonable to think they could at least have ordered me a vegetarian alternative in the full knowledge that I wouldn't be able to eat/didn't like their choice of set meal?

Oh good. You've started again. Maybe it's time for you to stop whining in her defence.

Out of interest why are you the only person allowed to use Mumsnet?

I don't believe I have ever said anything remotely like that. Argue away, fussy eaters united blah blah blah.

OK 22 pages in so I'm probably repeating, but I can't imagine any function that didn't a/ ask about allergies b/ offer more than one choice! Pick a group of 20 people and not everyone is going to eat the same. Even in my family of 4 they wouldn't (one veggie). On top of that salmon and lamb are not universally liked. If there were no extra requirements within the group and you weren't being considerate enough to give mutiple options something like soup for starters and chicken for main would probably be more to most people's palate.

The OP clarified in a subsequent post that the FIL could have offered guests a choice but didn't want to do the work so just chose for them - things that he liked!

"I would never assume to choose a three course meal for 20 people at a restaurant with no consideration for others’ allergies/food preferences as a host. It’s such bad manners. Even wedding invitations give you options."

I've never had an option at a wedding except vegetarian, allergies, etc.

You have to accept sometimes that for big meals, there is a set menu with adjustments for vegetarian/vegan and allergies or religious requirements. Often it's not possible to have options just for preferences e.g. chicken or beef.

Of course, that doesn't stop people politely asking the staff for something they could knock up quickly on the night if possible, if they really can't eat what is provided.

Fair enough if he's paying. (Allergies aside). It's a lot of hassle to go collecting menu options between people and coordinating that.

I agree, I hate it too, wont touch it but that because I keep sheep (as pets).

Sorry i'd notice someone not taking one bite of their main course

@Gwenhwyfar If it's too much of a hassle to ask who wants salmon starter or veggie starter, and who wants lamb main or veggie main, why bother arranging a meal for 20?

I just think that the PILs did it all on the cheap. It was a block booking, the restaurant served their set 'Sunday Dinner' (even if it wasn't Sunday, it was a meal that a cheap-n-cheerful place could serve up en masse) and the PILs paid as little as they could get away with. No problem there, obviously, if they wanted a family meal but don't have lots of cash to splash about, but I think it explains why there was no discussion over the menu or separate meals served. It was a block booking.

Sorry read all OPs posts now.

Sounds like the inlaws are incredibly thoughtless and just wanted to play the 'big hosts' but as cheaply as possible.

It takes some level of arrogance and selfishness to choose everyone's meal and not tell them.

You will know next time, if there is a next time

Because you want to have a nice meal with your family? If the meal was at their house, it wouldn't be a la carte either.

It was private dining where it’s almost always a set menu and the bill went into four figures - doesn’t sound like doing it on the cheap to me.

But there's 'private dining' and there's private dining, isn't there? My local pub has a room upstairs that you can book, that would count as private dining. It's still just what they serve downstairs, it's just in a function room. And all the set menus I know of have at least one choice for vegetarians - or serve the vegetables separately, just in case. These meals were plated up with the gravy already on - that's not private dining, that's pub grub. I think people may all be having their own definition of 'private dining' which is causing the differences of opinion - it can just mean function room rather than haute cuisine.

Four figures might well have been considered reasonable pricing by the PILs, to feed 20 it's not bad, especially if alcohol is included. But I think they were massively overcharged for plated up food and no choice. Maybe the PILs don't get out much?

The person who should have had your back in this was your ‘D’H, isn’t it, and he seems to have thought what his parents did to you, their guest was OK indeed that you would be ‘rude’ to avocate for accommodations. He would have known that there was a risk that you would not be accommodated, I say it was his role to check in with this parents in advance and make sure that some arrangements had been made in advance that would suit you.

For me, his not stepping up or even acknowledging that there was a problem is much worse than the hosts who planned a meal that would suit their immediate family

he introduced you to their circle and if he wants you to continue accompanying him to these events he should want to ensure that your comfort is considered.

There is something generational too. When in 2000 we were discussing arrangements for my wedding, for which my parents insisted on paying , as soon as I mentioned how we would ask for any special dietary requirements, my father started to bluster ‘surely no one would insist on ‘being vegetarian’ at a wedding in tones of outrage. It was clear to me that I needed to explain that that, yes, my guests would be accommodated

get your DH to stand up for you, in advance, quietly but while the restaurant can still easily make accommodations.

Don’t expect the restaurant to make changes to a private party menu in the fly, have DH make sure it is included as part of the planning

Or, and I don’t say this lightly, ask ‘D’H why he doesn’t think you are worthy of consideration? Is he like that in other parts of your life together … or is he just in FOG around his parents?

It will likely be one or the other.

You obviously have family who all live near each other. It’s not at all unusual for families to live hundreds or thousands of miles from each other.

One of our DC lives hundreds of miles away. Our house isn’t spacious enough for 3 or 4 extra people to stay, which means that they book a hotel room when they visit us. We book a hotel room when we visit them, as their home doesn’t have a spare room.

Make up your mind, you’ve just completely contradicted your previously post.

YANBU, OP. You can't help an allergy or a strong aversion. My BIL has a real aversion to some foods, and we always keep that in mind. I can't stomach obvious egg, so things like quiche are out for me.

Just sounds like FIL is overly paternalistic and wants things his way or no way, it's not very pleasant but now you know what to expect from him.

No I haven't? I've said that their idea of 'private dining' is a function room in a cheap and cheerful place with ready plated food, and other people are reading 'private dining' to mean that it's a five star restaurant.
With regard to the cost, maybe the PILs think that they've spent loads of money and been super-generous but they've really got the most basic meal and they are congratulating themselves on getting such a good deal.

@Gwenhwyfar , I wouldn't want to have a nice meal with my family if my family members wouldn't like the food.

I could book my favourite meal and the same for everyone else. Chances are it would only be me enjoying it.

If I booked a salmon starter and a lamb dinner meal, four people would go hungry because 3 of them won't touch fish because of an allergy and them detesting lamb, and one is a vegetarian.

It’s highly unlikely that anyone paying a four figure bill is congratulating themselves on getting a good deal. Set menus are pretty much standard for private dining wherever it is. I went to a function in a private club in Mayfair with a set menu.

That's you. FIL decided to do it differently as was his right.

By the way, have you ever had to compile the menu choices of many people? It's a massive, thankless task.

@Gwenhwyfar , If the meal was at their house, it wouldn't be a la carte either.
I don't usually eat at other people's houses, but I'd probably be OK with what they offered but I'm wary. I have been fed a meal with something I am allergic to in it by a friend.

You sound like a host who's invitation I'd gladly decline.

Yes, I have, and if it's an option of A or B + any allergies, it's quite straightforward.