AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

Honestly, some of the posters on here are totally lacking in compassion and also clearly have no experience of difficult teenagers.

@JustSamantha, I've been there. You have to live in hell for a bit, laying the law down. It isn't HER house. It's yours. Either she sorts herself out or she has to leave. Give her a deadline. Tell her she can live with her boyfriend or stay with a friend. But unless she does the UC application AND cleans her room/sorts out her dishes, that she can't live with you. AND MEAN IT.

You have to know that YOU are in charge. Take her key away. She WILL be a nightmare. But you have to go through it to get to the other side. She might even actually leave for a bit. But in the long run, asserting your authority will help her and will help your relationship with her.

You sit down and do it together.

😳

With kindness, I really disagree with the people saying give her an ultimatum. What’s the ultimatum? Kick her out? To where? Renting a room isn’t possible for most young people, they need rent and deposit up front, and a guarantor who has enough cash to be able to front the rent for the whole tenancy. Should she make her daughter homeless?

Our young people need support, and love. Not punishment and ultimatums. It’s really so tough out there for them right now. It’s nowhere near like when we were young.

OP, I’ve read some of your replies. Please make the time to sit with your daughter today and talk to her, and listen, really listen, to what she’s thinking and feeling and guide her. Don’t mind what’s happened in the past, mind about what happens from now.

I'd kick her out tbh. Tell her she needs to grow up and she either gets a job by x date or she goes. And I'd reclaim that bedroom. Someone not paying any rent doesn't get to hog a room of their own. She'd be sleeping on the sofa.

Oh come on. ALL she has to do is clean her bloody bedroom for a start.

It's not a huge ask. A 7 year old can do it. This girl has massively screwed up her life by throwing away her education. Time to take the gloves off. Clean up or get out. Living like a pig at her age is totally unnecessary. It's a statement of F YOU to her mum.

So many people from Eastern Europe and around the world come here and do fruit picking and warehouse operator jobs that nobody local wants to be doing. Yes, it's hard work and yes, you do spend 2-3 months living with 5 people in a truck on a field, BUT you do earn 2000-2500 per month, depending on your speed. But it's much more comfortable to live with your mom with free food and Wi-Fi and all bills paid, and fresh laundry and other taxpayers' sponsored benefits. Laziness breeds laziness. No wonder this country is going broke.

People on mumsnet are disgusting sometimes. If OP had a partner and was a SAHM no one would be blaming her lack of job. Because when the middle classes do it it fine?

I’ve seen almost identical threads about teenagers this age finding it hard to move on to the next step in life, its excusing her behaviour to put the blame on OPs own employment status.

And of course the DD should apply for universal credit while she’s looking for a job. They will help her get one and hold her accountable for applying and attending interviews. OP can’t afford to keep another adult.

All of this.

That is what happens. Children who witness abuse can, and often do, grow up to either become abusers or get themselves into an abusive relationship because that’s what’s normal to them.
It isn’t ok, but they need help getting out of that pattern. Just like your daughter needs help getting out of this pattern. So help her. Set a better example, get interventions for her, get counselling for her shitty childhood.

No need for the condescending comments ‘her shitty childhood’

i had it a million times worse than her but I got a job at McDonald’s at 17 yeah I struggled but I did it
I attended college every day
my only downfall was being groomed at 17 by a man 10 years older then me and having children.

oh and her college where offering her loads of support and counselling sessions she refused to attend
i went to several meetings with her teachers to try support her
she didn’t wanna take notice

We use the phrase "you're either learning or you're earning"

I would tell her she has 2 months to find a job & start paying rent. At her age and with total availability, she should have no issues finding a minimum wage job, even if that's in something she has no interest in. After that she will be asked to leave and find alternative accommodation.

@JustSamantha please try to ignore all the posters who are being so judgemental. Try to remember, they are just strangers and you don’t have to listen to them.

Try and focus on the practical advice you are getting from posters who are trying to be helpful.

it sounds like you are mentally in a difficult place and I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed with life. It’s sounds like you have navigated some very difficult experiences…you’re obviously stronger than you think. I hope you have support irl and wish you all the best.

Get out to where though? The streets?

I really feel for you and don't think you are being unreasonable. You have enough on your plate without having to deal with this. I don't know what to suggest other than getting on her case constantly. Also perhaps tell her that the sleeping arrangements are going to change as you shouldn't be sleeping in the dining room.

It’s not a competition. I think we’re really seeing the issue. I hope you’ve never said, “I had it a million time worse” to her.

She had an abusive and shitty dad and lives in poverty. I’m sorry if it upsets you but that’s a shitty childhood, or at the very least, shitty adolescence. Making it a competition with you and who had it worse is just bad parenting. Ignoring the difficulties she has had and treating her badly is just bad parenting.

My own children’s father walked out when they were very little. I am well aware of the damage that does, I am well aware of the damage he does with his sporadic and half assed contact. It is my job to protect them and work to mitigate the damage and the impact of coming from a single parent household (they are statistically more likely to fail). I make sure to provide a stable home, they see me working, we make time every day for family time, I make sure they have the same opportunities as a household with two incomes. I work all the hours I possibly can, including through the night while they sleep so I can spend the time they’re not at school with them and doing activities to give them opportunities. It isn’t easy. I’ve been doing it since their dad walked out when my youngest was 6 weeks old. They both excel now.

It could have been very different. I worked my ass off to make sure it wasn’t. I’m aware they couple still have turned out as lazy twits, so a big part of it is getting lucky with their nature but a hell of a lot comes down to nurture. You need to nurture.

The POINT is the contrast. Clean up your own mess. Or be homeless. She's 18. She's capable of taking her dishes down to the kitchen.

Only an idiot would think the point was to be homeless. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Ok so your answer is to moddy coddle her and accept that she will just do nothing and I continue to support a household with 2 other adults and not complain about it because it’s my fault all of to

I’m just going to leave her to it then and if we are homeless than so be it
i give up with these posts

If she's claiming UC she will be expected to spend equivalent time to a job jobseeking. They will also expect proof of this. She'll also be sent on courses which are mandatory and very boring.

Is it possible that sher has ADHD? It's very possible i have it, and the not applying yourself at education and being overwhelmed with chores.

Of courses she could just be lazy.

OP, sorry I haven't caught up with thread but it seems you've been getting a hard time, including me so I'm sorry for that. Is there any other adult that your DD respects and trusts to give her advice? Usually kids don't listen to their parents anyway so this might be a good avenue. Also your idea re getting some help with finding a job via UC is a possibility. It sounds like your other daughter is doing well and also that her boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders, so maybe it's just a matter of finding out what motivates her and getting her interested in something to work towards.

Why on Earth should she apply for UC instead of getting a job? Absolute joke that our tax is going to people like this.

Absolutely no need to insinuate I’m an idiot. Incredibly rude.

Ultimatums that you have no intention of following through with are manipulative. Manipulation is a toxic parenting technique. Communicating with our kids is the way forward, but happy to agree to disagree. Especially seeing as you think my ideas are idiotic.

Exactly the fact is she’s actually 19!! If she was 18 you can kinda get it but she’s 19 and I feel so frustrated with it

And another insight into the issue. You call support mollycoddling.

She has failed to launch. That’s where you are right now. Shouting at her hasn’t achieved the change you want. She is stunted and stuck in this pattern and has failed to launch. She needs support. Your other children might not need that, great for them, but she does.

Taking a step back, realising that she actually can’t do it on her own and making a plan to do it with her (with her, not for her) is not mollycoddling. It’s a little at a time, until she does start doing it on her own.

If she doesn’t engage, doesn’t work with you, doesn’t learn how to live then maybe you’ll have to kick her out if she doesn’t get a job but I’d be parenting first, before doing that.

Give her consequences, turn off the internet, give her an ultimatum and follow up on it.

It sounds harsh to say I know but she is a product of her upbringing recognising some of this is outside of your control OP. You have to take a hard line and be prepared to do what you say you'll do. Ultimately, kick her out if needs be.