AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

That's not true. Back in the 1980's when unemployment was massively high and the mines and other heavy industries were closing, it was really easy to sign on and get the 'dole' and there was no oversight or requirement to look for jobs. Students could sign on during the long summer holidays.

I'd tell her that I love her, but I don't like her, she needs to change or leave, you won't tolerate her lazy behaviour.
I certainly wouldn't cook for her.

From experience of some people in know a bit of mollycoddling or helicoptering can be worth it in the long run if it helps them to launch.

Surely rather than applying for universal credit benefit the lazy girl should be working.

This exactly!!! My 18 year old has been working for money from about 12!
she is getting about 20 hours a week in her retail job and has a cleaning job too. Still has time to be out and about with her friends. She needs the cash for uni in September. I would not be tolerating lying in bed all day. To suggest universal credit before really trying to get work is why the country is f@@ked!

Was only suggested because I know UC are equipped to help find opportunities for young people
ive not suggested she lives on it for life but she needs to support herself in the mean time I am losing hundreds in income this month so it will be a struggle so at 19 she needs to help support herself

So basically you just want her to claim benefits as your benefits for her stopped when she left college.

yes I get that and that’s why I’m trying to encourage her to apply for jobs but I can’t physically force her that’s why I’ve come for advice

What income are you losing? When your older kid aged out, you would have added one of your younger kids to your benefit claim. You’re still getting the benefits associated with claiming for a single adult and 2 children.

See your twisting my words
I’ve said my income has dropped so how are we going to survive if she doesn’t find a way to support herself ? Your literally expecting me to support 2 adults on a loss of income and they can do absolutely nothing while I struggle to do it all
stop making me look like the bad guy for just being concerned on how we will survive
what do you expect me to do ? Just to keep doing it all alone for a grown adult and not say a word ?

I lose Uc child element for the 18 and 19 year old as they’ve just left college also lose child’s benefit
I can’t add any more children on as there is a two child rule plus a benefit cap where you can’t claim over a certain amount so we will be in very difficult financial circumstances so why is it wrong of me to worry and expect to find a way to support herself ???

Some of us aren't in massive cities with thriving job markets or pleantitful public transport to jobs.

Of course we've had them knocked on doors and signed up with all agencies that was first thing they did FFS - DN is even more rural than us there are no bloody markets where she is and no-one wants farm pickers in their area as you seem to think. Job markets vary in different locations - we in poor ones currently.

The zero hours doesn't look perfect for DN - previous p/t job had set hours she did round full time college course - this one looks like they'll all the flexiblity their side and will be difficult round a college course next year.

Kids in my family are hard working and on way to be very well educated - and are gaining skill volunteering while they continue to job seek - they also don't cost the tax payer money as their parents all work and cover their costs.

I don't know what job sector like in OP area - it could be good or it could be very hard - but I do think her DD could do with some additional support not the old trope all young are lazy and unmotivated.

She can’t just pick any random college course/ apprenticeship - it has to be something she is interested in.

they was on my claim coz they was born before 2017 so I’ll only have 2 on my claim now they come off. But yet I’m stick expected to support 2 adults
( the 18 year old has a job but slashes her money on what she wants) sometimes she will help with odd thing here and there )

why am I not allowed to be worried on how I’m going to cope

It’s really tricky because at 19 I lived at home and had my own room, my mum or dad cooked for me every night and I basically had my parents’ undivided attention and care. They still basically helped me to do everything from filling in forms to getting me to places I wanted/needed to be.

i definitely feel like I still needed that at that age and I’m now a fully functioning adult with my own family.

but I can also understand that some parents just don’t have the resources to provide that support- so therefore unfortunately she is just going to have to get on with it. Other 19 year olds will have a lot more than she does but that’s life I guess

And that’s what I’ve told her I’ve said she needs to pick something she’s passionate about and work towards it

If your 18 and 19 year old are no longer on your UC credit claim then you can add your younger children (well, two of them).

There is a two child cap. Your 18 year old would have been using one of those spots. Now she isn’t, so you’re not claiming for two children anymore? Why not?

She should be supporting herself. You should sit with her and help her set up an online claim, she doesn’t have to call anyone and could have an advance on her payment within a couple of days. She will need to attend meetings with her work coach. But you can start that today; go up with your phone/tablet/lap top and tell her you will sit with her and go through the application with her, or she needs to go present as homeless with the council because you can’t afford to keep her. Support can come with tough love and ultimatums, but you’re giving the ultimatums without the support. Go up to her bedroom now and get it done.

But her claim is a separate issue. You lose the child benefit but how has your UC dropped? You should still be claiming for 2 kids.

Edited; just seen your claim actually previously did have more than two kids as they were on it from before, so now they’ve come off, you’re down to the two child cap. Got it.

But you have your two younger children? So you will still get benefits.

Is there a reason you can't work? Like severe MH problem or other? Because it would be good for you to work and it would also set an example for the kids. Right now your 19- year old can just say "You're not working mum so why should I? I will just have babies and follow your lead".

Please sit down with her, tell her you love her and that you want more for her in life than what you have. Help her with CV and applications and make sure she's got birth control.

Explain how I can support my younger children’s two adults and myself on less than £600 a month??? Why am I a bad person for wanting the 19 year old to support herself ?? We will become homeless or be at food banks every week if she doesn’t it's really that simple

So why don't you make your 18- year old participate? She should. I gave money to my mum when I was working at 17.

And don't pay anything else than just basic food for the 19-year old. There has to be an incentive to work so when she has no money for any pleasures in life she might wake up.

I can’t add them because they was born after 2017 and I have my 13 year old and 14 year old on there so I’ll be supporting a whole household plus 2 adults on less than £600 a month

Although one adult is working she’s not going to pay anything towards the household food or Household stuff but I’ve still got to provide it as I’m the mum because she spends her money on what she wants but I’ve still got to provide her meals as it would be a bad parent of me if I didn’t so I’m still providing for the whole house now little money and have to visit food banks

You really have no choice but to give her any ultimatum either get a job- any job, or move out. Give her zero money unless it’s for bus fare to a job interview, and provide only the absolute basics in terms of food/ toiletries . I’d also be insisting on her doing jobs around the house to help out.

@JustSamantha

Charge then keep. They need to pay dig money. Take £100/150 a month. Whatever would help and they can afford with the hours they can get.

That will mean you need to go up and speak with the 19 year old. She needs to hear about the family finances and be told that you literally cannot keep her so, she can apply for UC and commit to the job search with her work coach, and you’ll do the application with her right now, or you’ll give her taxi money to go down to the council offices and present as homeless. You tell her that you’ll help and support her through all the applications and do what you can to teach her but for that to happen, she has to cooperate. If she won’t then she needs to go because you cannot afford her.

But you really need to push the support offer, and be understanding of her struggles and the life she was given these last few years. Don’t go in with “I have it worse you lazy shit.”

Ignoring all the conversation about having children you cant afford - you need to give this girl an ultimatum. She wont grow up otherwise. Give her two weeks to have sorted her shit out or she needs to leave. Tell her you will move all her things outside in two weeks the next time she goes off on a 1.30am jaunt

You are ABDOLUTELY RIGHT in that she should grow up and take some responsability. But until now she's had mum cleaning up after her, giving her money etc. You need to be relentless: SHE has to pick up after herself. Sit down with her when she applies for jobs to encourage and help her. If she behaves like a spoilt brat you need to be stricter with her: don't clean up her mess! Don't give her anything above survival. Make her come with you to the food bank so she realises that this is no joke: you can't support adults with no money. And this go for the 18 year old too. Why don't you get her to give you a part of her income? You need to woman up OP and put some expectations on your adult children.