AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

You absolutely don’t call them yourself. No one will give your daughter the time of day if they get a phone call from you.

It’s ridiculous that you’re having to sleep in the dining room with two of your children while an adult who refuses to grow up hogs an upstairs bedroom.

Just reading Fern Brady’s Strong Female Character. Interesting book. Not saying it relates directly to your daughter, OP, but it illustrates misunderstandings, behavioural issues and family breakdown from the point of view of what’s going on in a youngster’s head - in this case a girl with undiagnosed autism. You may find it interesting.

What an appalling attitude. She needs a job, not benefits.

@JustSamantha

This is being said in a non judgemental way and is nothing to do about your original post . Please take a breath and calm yourself , have a cup of tea and keep breathing deep breaths .

I'm not trying to be condensing , but if you look back on your last few posts , you have not taken criticism well .

You have also alluded to taking your own life when your kids are all grown . MN takes that seriously and if seen will signpost you to organisations and rightly so .

When you post on here , you get all types of advice , good , bad and sometimes batshit . You have to learn to have a thick skin .

Also some of the advice might have hit home and because you don't like to hear it , you are fighting back . I

I get that , I think deep down you are a little bit emotionally fragile so maybe straight talking is not for you .

Don't let the advice on here get to you that much .
I hope everything sorts itself out for you with your daughter soon .

you shouldn’t be phoning or writing emails but if you can sit with her whilst she does and offer encouragement- my dd needed help the first few times she had to do grown up stuff

And this was my original thought if I go calling round making all to he applications for her she will look like she’s incapable and won’t get anywhere so all I do is support her alongside her doing it but I can’t drag her and that’s the issue I have

I don’t mind sleeping in the dining room it is a big dining room and don’t mind as long as she’s sorting her room and helping round the house but she doesn’t

This is why this country is having to rely on labour from overseas:

-warehouse operators/pickers,
-veg pickers (often have accommodation on site)
-cleaning (warehouses/offices/resturant/hotels)

People seem to forget not all minimum wage jobs are unskilled/competitive.

I got a job at McDonald’s at 16 after 12 others trialled for the job… me working on a market stall put me in front of the others as it showed grit from getting up at 5:30 every Sunday morning.

You’ve got to think out of the box. Turn up to every agency, let them know you’ve got immediate availability… perfect for students/young people as that’s technically why zero hour contracts are allowed.

If you would be getting benefits for her would you be in such a rush?

I see it all the time. How many years of benefits and housing is given because of the child that you’re now trying to push out of the house.

I’ve seen people get made homeless the moment their parents stop getting benefits for them. They used to be a financial plus but now they add more bills. No more child benefit or tax credits when they finish education.

I don’t mind constructive advice and Cristism but I’ve been made out to be the cause of it all and that I’m a burden upon society I probably most like am but that wasn’t the point of the post I was asking advice and some woman have give great advice in a proper manner but others have used it as an opportunity to benefit bash and and be nasty to me and blame me which isn’t helpful

Come on @JustSamantha
Don’t let those being judgmental get you down.
There are lots of us who understand it isn’t easy.
Of course you have every right to expect and encourage your daughter to work and make the best of her chances. You don’t have to work yourself to expect that, we don’t know anything about your personal challenges and anyway caring responsibilities are work.
I don’t blame you for feeling like people are just jumping on here to have a go, I agree it seems like that in some cases. But don’t let it get you down.

This is a massive leap and unfair assumption.
were have I said I want to kick her out or make her homeless !!??? No where!!
im ‘not in such a rush’ but let’s be real here and let’s live in reality and not snowflake land.. in life life costs money.. things cost money and no one can live on thin air
if the household income goes down due to them leaving education then then as adults need to do something to get money to support themselves
do you really expect me to support the whole household by myself on the UC that I only get for 2 children ( due to the two chick rule and benefit cap that is in place)
im allowed to feel worried about finances am how we will all survive im allowed to worry about that
but no where have I stated that I will kick her out
I would never
you ppl don’t live on reality and think ppl can live off fresh air

What is she good at OP? You may find that she does better in the working world than education.

Might be an idea to see if she would consider volunteering somewhere for a while. Animal rescue place/ charity shop/care home or maybe you have something where you live that wants people.
It would be something on her CV, and maybe help her confidence in the wider world.

Also, you are not a burden on society. It’s a lot more complex than that. The real recipients of financial benefit from government intervention are often not who they might initially seem.

Look, huge numbers of people earning middle or high incomes stop after one or two children because they can’t afford to have more children and give them the lifestyle they want. So they stop. I’d love more, but two is what I can afford. Then people like you who sound like you’ve never really worked have grown adult children, little children and more in between… all whilst not working. Sometimes that can be hard to swallow; I don’t know whether you call that jealousy or judgement. But we’ve made sensible choices not to keep having kids we can’t afford to give a good lifestyle to.

If your troubled daughter is 18 and you’ve got multiple younger children and her dad was useless and then walked out, then it means she spent her childhood and teen what’s watching a bad relationship unfold, watching a shitty dad leave, and watching her mum have multiple more kids when life was already difficult and money already tight. It doesn’t sound like she had the best life so far.

I know you’ve said that you have another child the same age doing alright, working and studying etc. But not everyone reacts the same way to a difficult childhood. This daughter, the difficult one, needed more from you and you couldn’t give it because you had younger children and your attention was on them. Your daughter needs help. She needs counselling, can you pay for that? She needs support and she needs to actually be taught how to do things.

You don’t call UC for her, but you sit with her and show her how to apply online. You help her with her job applications and with looking at college or uni and figuring out where she is going. She needed all of this support years ago, not just you just shouting and calling her lazy.

You need to install a work ethic in your children, you need to encourage them to think a bit bigger than college, you know, what comes after that. And you need to step in with support and intervention when their mental health begins going wrong or they start acting up.

Your daughter might need a kick up the backside, but it sounds like you’ve done that and it hasn’t work. So maybe she needs actual support. Can the younger children have a few days with their dad so you can sit down with your daughter and have a bit of an intervention?

‘I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still have to baby her’

Kindly, some of this situation is your fault. You don’t have to baby her, you do need to give her some tough love. Stop altogether doing things for her. She’s a grown woman and quite capable of looking after herself but why would she?

Give her some ultimatums, get a job, get an apprenticeship, or else!

Two child cap has been around a long time. You chose to have more of your children knowing you wouldn’t get any more government support for them. It sounds like you didn’t have a place on how to support them financially? Just like your daughter doesn’t seem to have a plan for how she is going to support herself or pay for life… are you seeing where she may have learned that?

All my kids have the SAME father don’t make it sound like I’ve had children left right and centre all over the place

their father won’t have the younger kids longer than a few hours a week

i spend all day talking to her reminder her to have a look online today for opportunities I tell her to get our of bed I spend all day doing it

My daughter has done all of this. It really is not as simple as that. My friend works for a recruitment agency, she says for every job advertised there are 100's of applicants.

If you step into your local McDonald's etc you will see all many of the deliveroo and Just Eat delivery drivers are middle aged people doing this as second jobs. It's dire out there and people are getting desperate. Just because you were easily able to get a entry level job back in the day does not mean it's that simple now. When I was a teen I could literally walk out of a job on the Friday and start a new one on a Monday, those days are long gone.

And your point is ?? Sorry I can’t go back in time but that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to behave this way.. so if I saw my dad hit my mum Is that ok for me to to go hit any of my future partners because ‘I learnt that from him’
your post is unhelpful unless you have a Time Machine I can borrow for the day

Nope if she applies for UC that's even more reason for her to do anything. No UC, get a job or move out.

Your first post ideas not indicate that she’s applying for jobs, it says she does nothing all day, hasn’t applied fir apprenticeship and wants you to apply for UC.

Now there is a drip feed of …. But she’s not getting interviews? Interviews for what, she by your own admission doesn’t do anything all day!

I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

You can relax on parenting but they don’t morph into a responsible adults overnight. If they were entitled and unmotivated before 18 then chances of remaining that way after 18 is bloody high. The parenting heavy lifting happens before 18 to prepare them for post 18.

You don’t have to baby your daughter, you are choosing to. It will be harder teaching responsibility and the importance of graft to an 18 year old if they have gotten used to those things not being important. However, just because it will be much harder, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

She lies in bed all day no chores doesn’t clean her plates ect does nothing
she TELLS me she’s applying for things and then she tells me she gets emails back declining her
the fact she lies in bed all day isn’t helping her that’s my point

@JustSamantha - firstly I want to acknowledge that you left your abusive relationship and that is a huge thing!

it sounds like it’s been a traumatic and difficult few years and it’s a little overwhelming being in a small house with no space and adult care responsibilities as well. I suspect you are still recovering from the stress.

however so is she - the lack of motivation and self drive probably is a symptom of her burnout and trauma. DV impacts children massively and maybe you all need some support and therapy to decompress.

she sounds shut down and numb

I’ve worked with teens who have lived in homes with DV - often they are scared to do anything through fear of getting it wrong or even scared to leave home in case something happens.

on a practical level Google NEET support in your local authority - most have a team of advisors who can help young people into work, you may even be lucky to have a Connexions service still around, also the Kings Trust offer opportunities for young people to reengage with support

Signing onto UC is not a bad plan - she will have an employment coach and be required to look for work - also she’s entitled to it!

How will getting UC address that issue?

She wants you to apply for UC, but applies for jobs…. Do you believe that? As she’s living totally free in the house, have you asked for proof?