AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

It’s spectacularly unhelpful to expect the OP to time travel to the past and make different choices.

She’s asked for advice on what to do in the present

OP: I would sit her down and have a very honest but calm conversation about the household budget and how stretched you are with your responsibilities. Be clear that you live her, value her but need her help and agree what she will do. Try to get her to do things that add structure to her day and build a working routine. Agree a ‘adults of the house’ meeting once a week to plan for the week ahead.

try to shift your functional relationship to being adult-adult rather than parent-child. Having adult expectations with support to develop adult life skills may help

Tbh, I haven't read the full thread but as a mum of a 17 and 19 year old (had lots of issues with my 19 year old over the years) and currently off work atm due to my chronic health issues and caring for my mum who has Alzheimer's, I understand your frustrations. I understand how draining it is.

Everyone stating on here for your DD to get a job, well it is easier said than done. My DD17 is at college and has a part time job which was so difficult to get. She hates it and has applied for 100's of jobs. It's really not as easy as some are making it out to be.

I don't have the answer for you but my friend's dd20 is on job seekers (or UC, not 100 sure) and they are helping her at the centre work on her confidence and putting her on some courses. It may be the way forward for your DD right now.

It's hard being a teen right now. I know my DC and their friends struggle.

Yesterday I suggested she calls around all the local colleges and see if they have an apprenticeship opportunities or any services she can be directed to but she won’t do it do I call them myself ?

There are careers and course advisors at the colleges, could you arrange an appointment with them and go with your DD to see what her options are?

Mate I can see you're upset at some of the responses. Ignore them, but look at the practical advice you are getting.

I understand what you mean by uc, it used to be the job centre in my day where people looked for work, unemployed or not.

You have to sit her down, just the 2 of you, explain you are in the bones of your arse financially, that you have protected her from knowing this for years but now she's a grown up either she has to contribute or leave home as you cannot afford to keep her.

suggest that you go together to a recruitment agency. Now before she has her results as she may get a better job, prove herself and the results won't matter.

give her a bit of 1 to 1 time...my mum died when I was 17 and thankfully my dad realised that it was a massive blow and spent a lot of time with me (something we'd not done because what teenager wants to hang around with his dad!). She's looking into the abyss. She's been in education for 14 years and suddenly she ain t.

If your daughter signs up to UC she will have a work coach. You need to support your daughter to do these things sit down together to fill it out once she’s in the system you can choose to offer more or less help but get the first steps in first instead of expecting her to be able to negioate all this herself as she sounds a ‘young’ teen

Has she ever had a part time job, regular chores, extra-curricular activities with routines, positions of responsibility at school?

if you can work out where she might have developed useful skills then you can build from that but she sounds like she’s stuck and scared.

Even just reverting to a school like routine - up at 7am, breakfast, packed lunch, plan for the day, a series of tasks/lessons, ending at 3.30pm - might help kick start her mental routines a bit

If she's seriously looking for work she should sign on for JSA to help with travel expenses/getting to interviews etc... but I would ask her to show you some kind of proof that she's been applying for jobs because at the moment it really sounds like she's planning to coast until she maybe starts a course next February.

Yeah yeah ifs all my fault no one else in life has to take responsibility just me it’s all down to me
she has a father you know… so can’t just blame the mum mum mum constantly
raised her alone even when her dad was living with us I still did it all alone he was useless yet he’s now giving another woman the life me and my kids deserved whilst leaving mw to pick up the peices

my mistake was like everyone keeps telling me I shouldn’t have had children, yes I get it I shouldn’t have had children because I don’t deserve them cause I didn’t from am affluent perfect back ground but I can’t change that now

trust me I already feel so unworthy and my plan is to leave this earth as soon as my kids are older and settled in their lives and don’t need me anymore

yes I know I’m a burden to the earth you all don’t need to keep reminding me but until my kids are older I can’t do anything to change that

thanks to all the constructive advice and I’m going to take all that on board and help her look and fill applications

to all those who make me feel bad for not working and making me feel like a burden to society it’s fine I already know that I am and one day you’ll get your wish and I’ll no longer be a burden

s

As she’s adult they will only speak to her…you can’t do this on her behalf. She needs to be motivated to do this herself.

I agree with this. The job market is absolutely dire at the moment for young people. It’s not just a case of “get a job”. It’s months of applying for everything and getting nothing.

If OP has lost benefits because her daughter is no longer in full time education, her daughter needs to apply for universal credit to replace that while she’s looking for a job.

The real issue here, OP, is that your daughter isn’t engaging and expecting you to do it. What’s your relationship like generally? Does she talk to you much? It sounds to me like she needs some support and guidance, which is a lot when you’ve got your hand so full already, but as another poster says, they don’t magically turn into competent adults at the stroke of 12 on their 18th. Someone else said that by 21 it all settles down a bit, and I agree with this too.

My advice to you would be to find some time to sit down together and go through your household budget with her so she knows what you’re dealing with, and what a grown up budget looks like. Tell her you might have to use the food bank. Tell her that she is now an adult and has to contribute. Then help her look for jobs. Get on Indeed and search “retail” or “bar” and spam all the jobs on there, just apply for everything.

Then yes, apply for universal credit with her - not for her. Then have a conversation about contribution around the house. Minimal expectation is that she keeps her and her sister’s room clean. I’d also add some chores there such as emptying the dishwasher/washing up every day. Don’t give her loads to do to start with as you’ll overwhelm her. Start small and increase gradually.

And remember behaviour + punishment = pushback. Behaviour + communication and support = change

Sorry you’ve had such a hard time. I hope your daughter makes some changes, but she’ll only do that with your love and guidance. And don’t expect a miracle, things won’t change overnight.

She’s clearly in a low place and may be one of those people who struggles with keeping things tidy - I know from experience that it’s a ‘thing’ and I don’t want to label it beyond that, but I don’t think she’s actively chosen to be lazy/messy/rude or whatever. She’s in this position because she didn’t get on well at college and now things must seem a bit hopeless. I’d help her as much as you can, be patient and encouraging, let her stay at her boyfriend’s rather than wake you all up in the night; help her with her CV and finding out about college courses if you have time. I am a soft touch I know, but I am a big believer in it being easier to help someone effectively if they know you are on their side, rather than feeling pushed into doing something. Encourage her to think that she’s doing these things for her future self, and help her take small steps forward, even a little progress (a free college computer course?) will feel good for her.

JSA is part of UC now unless you are not entitled to UC and you have enough NI contribution to just get JSA.

I read all sorts thank you, in fact the last thing I looked at was The Guardian. That ok with you?

You know nothing of OP’s circumstances and you missed the part about being a carer for her mother.

When you did work, what jobs did you do? I’m assuming you must have worked at some point so can give her some advice on which jobs may or may not work for her, eg temporary bar work etc.

I’d be setting a new rule: anyone who is not in employment or education does not get a bedroom. You and the younger children (who are presumably in education) sleeping in the lounge whilst an adult who refuses to do anything gets the coveted bedroom, is outrageous.

Everyone stating on here for your DD to get a job, well it is easier said than done. My DD17 is at college and has a part time job which was so difficult to get. She hates it and has applied for 100's of jobs. It's really not as easy as some are making it out to be.

This - mine are looking but in our area pubs and shops closing all the time there's not much and all their peers want the same jobs - and often their parents can drive them to the easiest ones to get the one in locations with poor transport links or no public transport. Best mine can manage is volunteering which gives no money but some experience.

DN - 18 just finished a two year college course she wanted to stop and get into work - she had p/t weekend job for years - she been looking since christmas and got nothing - she changesd p/t job but after she started and they finally gave contract turns out new one is zero contract one. She wants to be out with friends and ideally move out - she can't afford to. She reluctantly agreed to another years course at college for a year.

I do think getting her outside support - if that with careers service for young people or with jobseekers/UC - it can only help her.

That's seperate to her being considerate to others in your household - that needs outright stating to her as well.

Tell her you're struggling financially while being a full time career and cannot longer pay for her as you need to take care of the kids, she's old enough to be a grown up and needs to start taking care for herself. Tell her she has 3 months to find a job and new accommodation. She'll probably end up moving with her BF, they all do :-(

Her boyfriend lives with his parents and is also working 2 jobs as studying so I don’t think this is something he’s interested in doing thankfully
I don’t want her relying on any man or moving in with one before she’s even got her life started
he seems like a good lad though and he also encourages her to apply for jobs and helps her look

She really does need to outside support to push and encourage her - not just you who she can tune out.

Though what are your plans September may be better way of asking than telling her what to do - puts empahsis on her to have a plan.

Sorry op but I think yes you do ring round the colleges yourself to see what her options are.

When I did my a levels I dropped a grade and was in bits. My mum drove me to the uni I had applied for, with a letter I (she) had written basically pleading for them to let me in. I got in

As an 18 year old I would have done that it is only thanks to my mum pushing me that I did it.

She won’t qualify for JSA - it’s contribution based and she won’t have enough NI credits. She needs to apply for UC and start looking for work. OP I’d start issuing ultimatums. She’s an adult and needs to pay her way, but don’t let her ‘coast’ on UC, once she makes a claim she needs to look for work. UC is providing her with unemployment support not a lifestyle choice.

If you tell us more, we might have ideas to support your dd

Hi OP, she needs to sign up to National Apprenticeship Service GOV.uk web site. All apprenticeships are listed on here. If she googles “find apprenticeship” it’ll be one of the first ones listed. She can search for apprenticeships by postcode area. Once you’ve entered your info it saves it for next applications, so it’s very user friendly.
I’m a careers advisor and use this site all of the time with students. Individual colleges will only have info on their own Apprenticeships, whereas NAS has all apprenticeships across the country.