AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

Agree OP - no intention to sound harsh but I think I speak for most tax payers that we are sick to the back teeth in having to support people like your daughter.

you have been offered lots of practical advice on how to get her a job. When I was her age I literally walked around every shop, pun and restaurant asking if they had vacancies and I got a pub job and started the next day. There will always be jobs if you put the effort it. Otherwise there is babysitting, dog walking, cleaning…. I am surprised her college didn’t offer careers support or did she just not utilise it? What is the apprenticeship she was interested in? Could she get an entry level job in a similar field? Eg if it was hairdressing - starting out as a receptionist?

You said you cannot work as you have young children. They are teens. How much looking after do they need day to day that prevents you from working (you didn't mention that they are disabled, so I think they are typical teens).

OP may not be able to physically force her out of the bedroom, but there are ways.
Try vacuuming her bedroom at 8 am if she hasn't stirred. If that doesn't work, Maria Callas playing on the landing should do it.

I appreciate some parents can cope with acting in very controlling way when it comes to policing their adult kids, but in my family nothing good would have come from that.

BTW - the OP won't be getting benefit for an 18 year old who's in full time education and working. I know it might be hard to relate to people on very low incomes, but it's usually incredibly hard for the poorest families to help their kids at university who are living independently. The loan students now get really doesn't reflect the cost of living, particularly rental costs. For the poorest students the most sensible thing is to stay at home, if they can.

I know you don’t want to hear that she is depressed but she obviously is… I have read the first few posts and I agree in principle that she needs to get a job but even if she did, it would probably end in failure - I’m going by her performance at college. I think she needs to first contact her GP and talk through, possibly go onto antidepressants. She is compartmentalising life - has a boyfriend and friends and seemingly is okay to socialise but not adult. However, in her current mindset she is actually incredibly vulnerable. I don’t want to scare you but cohesive control can occur when someone isn’t functioning properly. I’m not judging you but clearly you have a lot of demands on you too. Your living arrangements are far from perfect and I can imagine how difficult it is to be living in an overcrowded home. I would support her to get help - her behaviour is communication. You may not like it but regardless of age, she is your child and needs you to parent her. What is happening now is clearly an escalation of what has happened previously but the difference is now she is an adult and your benefits for her have stopped. I’m really sorry but hold the mirror up and work to support your daughter. Strangers on the internet can not fully understand what has gone on in your family unit but I know she needs your support to get to the next step in her life.

She’s got at least 6 of them. A 19 year old and an 18 year old, then a 14 year old and 15 year old, then she has two little ones she says sleep with her in the reception room as they don’t have enough bedrooms.

She can still work though. The teens can all stay home alone and UC will pay childcare for the little ones. Absolutely no reason not to work, other than now saying she has exhaustion and arm weakness and panic attacks and whatever else.

your last few sentences where not necessary
trying to imply I’m making up my health issues

Your doctor can’t find anything. And, as I said before, I would imagine that your diet is very poor and you skip your own meals so you can feed your kids? Which then would mean you don’t sleep well. Then stress on top of that.

Your doctor can’t find anything wrong, you insist that you have physical symptoms… but have you ever actually looked into what stress and lack of sleep can cause? And poor diet?

You can absolutely get a job. Not a volunteer job which doesn’t increase your income so doesn’t improve your situation. An actual job with a wage so you can buy food.

You’ve not taken any advice on board, and have put up blockers for every suggestion. So it looks like have no choice but to clean up after / fund / house your DD forever on your dwindling benefits as your children age out of the system.

I know what a job with a wage can do and I can ‘buy food’ with it don’t patronise me

Make sure she doesn't just use chat gpt! People do this at mu husband company and they can spot it a mile off, CV goes straight in the bin

If you have a job with prospects, that scenario is less likely to happen.

Just because your daughter has a decent boyfriend at age 19, doesn't mean she'll stay with him. In fact, if she lolls around all day, she could well become less attractive to him as he's a hard worker. You could even put that to her.

If that’s what you have taken from this thread that’s fine

i will never come on this forum and ask for advice again

Then do it.

Your self worth must be in the toilet. No one gets out of an abusive relationship with their self esteem intact. So, you probably feel worthless. That sort of feeling, all the time, will beat you down. And make you unwell. Stress of all the kids, and what your oldest daughter is doing. No wonder you’re unwell. it will not get better until YOU make it get better.

I’m not pretending it’ll be easy. For the first few months of working and juggling childcare and home chores, you’ll quite possibly feel worse. And you’ll want to jack it in. But keep going and see if the extra money helps you, see if you can feel more proud of yourself and not so worried all the time.

Maybe it will work. Maybe it won’t. But your life isn’t exactly amazing right now so… why not?

Maybe your daughter will start to realise people have to put themselves out sometimes in order to live.

£70 a week spending money is very nice for a 10 year old living at home, all expenses met. Tell her you want £20 contribution to the household.

That £70 does have to cover train and/or bus fare to any interviews. Could easily be £10 per return trip to an interview. It’s really not a lot, and they’ll have to be very careful. Not as simple as “take £20 a week off them.” If she is actually looking for work then, as a parent, I’d be checking what has been spent on interviews before taking the money. Just a thought.

Does her boyfriend have a job?

An AIBU forum isn't about getting advice, it's getting an exchange of opinions.

You’re not expected to support two adults. Your dc is expected to support herself.

I've given advice on what to search for online as others have.
What were you expecting from us apart from sympathy?

You're on AIBU and most of think you are, in telling a 19 year old fit person to sign on.
If you want work advice, there is a work section on the site.

Your saying in being unreasonable for asking a 19 year old to claim UC WHILST job searching because I can’t afford to support her at 19 especially when my UC gets deducted due to her being 19

so Your suggesting she doesn’t apply for UC and keeps applying for jobs and getting declined whilst I’m trying to keep the house afloat and could take months for someone to give her an interview so your suggesting to put the whole house in financial difficult risking homelessness and my younger kids to go into care all because of the woman on this thread saying it’s unacceptable for a 19 year old to claim help

Give her an ultimatum:

Either she goes to work, or you do. You’re both adults, struggling to pay bills and living out of the food bank.

Either she agrees to go down to the local agency (all towns have them - the ones with usually forklift driver/warehouse/cleaning) jobs in the windows. Once she tells them she’s got immediate availability they’ll find her a job by the end of the week, might even be tomorrow. If she doesn’t fancy a job working in a factory/cleaning/warehouse, she can look after the younger kids, do the chores around the house and look after your mum and you can get a job. I’m sure you can get a caring job as you’ve got experience looking after your own mum. Care agencies are begging for people to do night sit ins, either for the elderly/disabled. A lot of the ‘work’ means just being there on call incase somebody needs support.

As PP have said, you’ll feel much better once you’ve not got all this stress on you. Having your own wage come in at the end of the month will take half your worries away. Eating decent food and being able to sleep will make you feel so much better as I’m sure you’re not eating three nutritious meals a day? Your body is running on empty.

In life you can either lay down and give up or try to pull yourself up, nobody else is going to help you and it’s not going to get better for doing the same shit every day.

Some woman on here are dangerous because your more focused on ridiculing a mother who has caring responsibilities and young children plus health issues at present and focus on telling her to get a job with all this going on and leave the 19 year old to job search as long as she’s not climbing UC then that’s all fine because the main priority is making sure the 19 year old is mentally ok and doesn’t claim UC WHILST job searching as that’s wrong and the mother should suffer as she ‘chose to have the kids ‘

Oh, op. Ignore the vile posters, they won't help, they won't want to help, they enjoy being nasty.

Moving on. UC could actually be a help for your dd. They will make sure she is actively job seeking. Take some of her uc allowance for the house, she can use the rest to see friends, get buses to interviews etc. UC can help with apprenticeships, working out what she actually wants to do with her life.

Be firm and get her to do jobs in the house to earn money off you. No chores, no money and she stays in.

Maybe a chat once a week to see how far she's getting on with work or education.

Kick her out.