AIBU to be angry at my 19 year old daughter

[JustSamantha]

So my daughter finished college last month
she never tried at college always skipped lessons failed most her units and she was on her last warning or else she would get kicked off the course she did her last unit and they said if she doesn’t get the highest points in this unit she’s failed the whole 2 year course. She’s yet to receive the results

so she doesn’t have a job, she’s not enrolled on the apprenticeship she so badly wanted to do after college saying she can’t get into one and even if she did it won’t start until February next year

she does NOTHING all day, lies on bed all day and comes down and demands from me ‘what’s for dinner ‘ ‘ what’s for tea’
the only time she leaves the house is to see her boyfriend or friends

she leaves her cutlery bowls plates cups in her and her sisters room leaves rottten food bags of rubbish and I’ve asked her to move this stuff and wash her plates and she’s completely disregards me and I end up moving and washing it

I resent her massively and it’s all her own fault. I thought when they get older you can relax on parenting them but she’s 19 and I still hav to baby her

she has no income so I said she needs to apply for UC but she wants me to do it for her

I don’t work at the moment due to having young children plus being a carer for my mum and I’m struggling massively financially might have to visit food banks this week but I’m still getting out of bed and being constructive, she isn’t she sits in bed ALL DAY

i know ppl will say oh she’s probably depressed well so Is a lot of people and they still live life as best they can she can’t be that depressed if she goes out with her boyfriend and friends

shes just announced that she wants to go for a drive as her boyfriend is driving his brothers car and the drive is at 1.30 am in the morning !! And she said she will come back early hours I told her you’re not disturbing me and your siblings ( me and my 2 youngest sleep in the dining room as a bedroom as the upstairs rooms are occupied by my other kids. She said oh I’ll take the spare key that’s not the point !!!
so coz I said she’s not doing that under my door she started throwing stuff trashing the hall
way

I’ve had enough

am I being unreasonable ??

How about you support yourself too? If you’re expecting that from your 19 year old daughter, then you should be expecting it from yourself.

Jesus. You have six children!! Well, 4 really but two acting like children because you permit it. Now is the time for tough love or your other 4 children will suffer.

The difference is at the moment I have a lot going on with my health. I am at the doctors every other week, I’ve had tests done they can’t find a reason for my symtoms
I’m extremely exhausted every day and I’ve got a call from the doctors to see what next steps are.. this is real exhaustion
if I didn’t have children and didn’t have these health issues at present I would be working
doctors are not helping me enough and just suggested a referral to an adhd assessment. That’s it even though I have actual physical symptoms
my daugher has no health issues she can go out with her boyfriend and her friends and do all the social life stuff so she can literally can help herself if she’ would
I’m not entitled to any sickness benefits for the time being until on diagnosed and treated because I don’t have a diagnoses but that doesnf mean my daughter can now do nothing because of my circumstances
i left an abusive Marrage with nothing
I was isolated on that marriage so yeah not as simple as you say

What’s your diet like? With having so little money and so many kids to feed, I imagine you don’t eat well? I’d put it down to that. Living in poverty can mean poor health with no diagnosis because it’s your diet. Your malnourished. Have you asked about that with your doctor?

Why won’t you take dig money from your adult children? You need to charge them rent. Something to help. Have you gone up to your 19 year old yet and started the UC application?

I'd ignore all the Daily Mail squawking about her "going on benefits" and do all you can to get her on UC. If she has to go to job meetings then that's another person that's not you that's nagging her to look for work.

I don’t think anyone has said you’re a bad person for wanting your adult kids to contribute to the household. If you’re looking for reassurance that its the right thing to do, then I think the majority do agree BOTH your adult kids should contribute however small.
There are jobs out there for those that want them, yes they’ll just be MW but many people work for that and just get on with it. Benefits should not be an option unless she is disabled.
You need to be firm with her, think about the impact this is having on your younger kids.

Out of the coveted bedroom and into the lounge. OP could lay down the rule that the learning/earning members of the family get the bedrooms.

The difference is those MC people would be supporting themselves not expecting the rest of us to.

OP can you get any support for yourself? It sounds like you’ve made some bad choices for whatever reason but if you’ve got 4 other kids you need to set them a better example than your oldest has had and maybe you need help to do that.

Hi OP - I get this is upsetting and frustrating for you. Your daughter is behaving like a brat and you’re struggling emotionally and financially.

unfortunately you really need to put your foot down here, that’s the only solution. Sit your daughter down and tell her she has 30 days to get a job, and from when she gets her first pay packet, she has to contribute a certain amount towards the bills. You’ll need to decide a rate that is fair, but as a suggestion I would say 20%?

you also need a set of rules including no dirty bowls on her room, no going out and coming back later than a certain time, apart from maybe the odd occasion agreed in advance. And certainly no trashing the house!

Put all of this in a written contract that you both sign, and if she won’t or fails to stick to the contract then she has to move out, maybe give her three strikes?

the job within 30 days is the main one here. There are loads of jobs out there, maybe not her ideal job, but if she puts the work in she will get something. She can go to the job centre, look for job fares or print out CVs and drop them into pubs / shops / hotels ect.
simply applying online isn’t enough.

you need to start firm. If she doesn’t have a job within the timeframe then she moves out. DO NOT backtrack, no matter how much you want to. When she get a job, she can move back in.

Did you say you have a 14 and 15 year old? They can stay home alone after school for a few hours. The younger ones can go into childcare and UC will pay 80% of that fee. That means you can work.

Your children are not a barrier to you working. With their ages, you absolutely can work and could actually work full time. But at least look for part time work. You’ll have more money. You’ll be able to eat properly, you’ll be able to sleep properly because I’m guessing you don’t sleep well either with all the stress?

It might seem impossible now, especially if you feel unwell, but it isn’t. You can work. Your teens will be fine at home after school alone for a bit. Your younger ones fine at a childminder’s (cheaper than nursery so your 20% of the bill will be cheaper).

Poor diet and shitty sleep = unwell, exhausted and stressed mum. Of course you’re unwell but I’d bet my house that it comes down to your lifestyle rather than any illness. Especially if they can’t find anything wrong with you. This is all stress.

Get a job, put your younger kids in childcare. Get some more money coming in, eat better and sleep better. Just give it a try.

It will be life-changingly beneficial for your daughter to move out of your home.

Start the process.

I moved out at 18 - it was so, so good for me.

Being in an abusive relationship at age 17 with a 27 year old man and then practically spending the 10 years after that being emotionally abused wasn’t a ‘bad choice ‘ it was something I didn’t expect to happens

maybe you was lucky enough to meet a great guy who treated you well and was a good dad to your kids. It wasn’t a ‘good choice ‘ you made it was just that you got exactly what any woman should have we don’t all get that

You’re displaying what my Gen Z kids call a “victim mindset.” Your DD may have it too, which would explain why she “can’t” pass her course/get a job—perhaps by putting too many of her own obstacles in the way.

No it isn’t victim mindset its the truth
some of us do end up In difficult situations.
if Someone’s going to tell me one made bad choices I’m going to defend myself

Does she have any work experience? If she is being rejected for all jobs maybe having volunteering experience would help?

I will be getting my 19yo to apply for UC next month. She has a zero hour job right now so earnings fluctuate. I no longer get UC for her so can’t afford to help her out - I’m only on a low wage and a single parent. It’s hard enough for single people to run a home with cost of living without almost grown children to support too. Once she gets stable full time work she won’t get it anyway but it will give us breathing room for now. That’s what the system is in place for. She isn’t going to want to only have £70 a week for long so it’ll make her keep looking.

She was working at subway for a couple of weeks but then they stopped offering her shifts and it fizzled out
i dong understand why this happened and I questioned her that if she wasn’t doing anything untoward and she was getting on with the job they wouldn’t just not offer her shifts
she said that the girls there didn’t like her so made work difficult
not sure if that’s the truth

Why did you have 5 or 6 kids with a deadbeat man?? Surely you knew after the first couple what he was like?
Im sorry you have found yourself in this position but I’m struggling to understand how this happened.
(you said up thread they were all the same Dad)

Ive no doubt you are exhausted OP. But I think your daughter needs help right now. You’re going to have to get more involved to help her get sorted.
I genuinely wish you well, I really do. I just think the whole thing is very sad.

You don’t know my circumstances any more than I know all of yours but despite things having been far from easy for me either I haven’t brought 6 kids into the world with no means of supporting them - my past experiences mean I’ve done everything I can to make sure my dc have it different. I’m also now dealing with the issues of my own past which is why I suggested you might find some support.

I was trying to be helpful but you’re determined to lash out at anyone who suggests you do have some responsibility for the situation - obviously so does the by the sound of it useless father.

Sorry you’ve had a rough time in the comments. I don’t know your life or responsibilities so I will not comment on that. It is hard at the moment to find work, especially when you’ve no experience. I’ve been applying for lots myself recently, living in a very busy city and out of the 50+ retail jobs I applied for I’ve had 2 interviews and thankfully got one offer!
ChatGPT is fantastic for whizzing applications off. Your daughter could use it to perfect her CV and then any jobs that require cover letters etc, she can upload the job spec and cv and it will provide a professional cover letter (otherwise it can take an hour to apply for each job). It’s a numbers game!
A frank discussion needs to be had, she’s old enough not to need protecting from the truth that you’re financially and practically struggling. You can’t afford to buy her clothes or supplement her social life so she needs to apply for UC and keep looking for jobs. The job centre will put plenty of pressure on her to find something once she signs on, and they will help in the way of sending opportunities/courses. They might be able to refer her to an employability scheme which will give her further support to upskill and find work.
She may be an adult but she’s under your roof so you’ve every right to put your foot down about housework and coming and going in the middle of the night.
Hope she finds her way soon xx

But it wouldn’t be used as a stick to beat the SAHM if their daughter didn’t have a job at 19 because of role modelling would it. Her dad works. Just feel like the pile on is partially caused by people looking down on OP because she doesn’t work. Mumsnet is supposed to be about getting advice, not sitting on your high horses because someone’s claiming benefits. And actually unpaid careers are also keeping our social care services running

It is a victim mindset. You had an awful relationship, but you got out. Not everyone does that. You did. That is an achievement but instead of celebrating that and moving forward, you’re on your house with no job and no money and no drive to do better and if it’s not the kids holding you back, it’s your health, and if it’s not that, it would be something else. Just stop.

You absolutely can work. It’s not as hard as getting out of an abusive relationship with nothing and you did that! So you can do this!

Your teens can stay at home. Your little ones go to a childminder. You get a job. Then you and the younger kids have much better prospects, they have a role model, you have more money, better food, better sleep. It’ll still be a struggle, the economy is shit but so much better than now.

Get a job. You’re ignoring anyone giving that advice. Maybe your daughter got it from you.

Shouldn't the 18 year old at Uni and holding down two jobs, also be living elsewhere? Maybe she's one that OP gets benefit for. I'm ignorant as to how it works.
I want to tell you to get tough OP, but you won't do it.
I wouldn't allow anything but water to be taken to her bedroom, she's isolating herself.
I'd also be fitting a lock on the door. It would be locked all day, while she looked for work.

You may not know about CVs, but your 18 year old will. Your daughter should search for, "Career advice for young adults." Also, although connexions service has officially gone, a lot of councils still run their own.

In the meantime, she needs to present herself to every factory on a business park. She can do packing or work on a food or assembly line. That way she'll end up with a reference for better things, which she hasn't got at present. If you name your town, I bet the women here would find available jobs.

If she doesn't occupy her mind with work, you could well end up with another child in the house to raise.

I know many of you probably don’t know what a trauma bond is and your all confused as to why I stayed and had more kids but that was my life and I was trapped it wasn’t as easy as you think
I’m not making excuses but life has been hard. I tried volunteer work a couple months back to give me options, it was in a community grocery run by a friend of a friend
I was doing on the first too weeks I was proud of myself but then my symptoms won’t go away, I was having panic attacks facial weakness arm weakness it’s been hard and I just want to be out there doing things and I’m not doing any of it on purpose

I’m sorry for sounding harsh before, it’s just that she’s clearly taking you and the world around her for a ride! You must be at the end of your tether. At 19 you’re right, she’s an adult and needs to be earning if she isn’t in education.

You say you cannot physically force her, you need a sit down conversation and she needs to know exactly who’s in charge under your roof. I’m 26 now so not as young as your daughter but not exactly old either, and I’d be embarrassed if I was her and treating my parent like that. She tidies after herself, she cooks for herself if she’s to be living with you and I’d be tempted to get her to pay you board once she’s got income.

if she isn’t wanting to be in education (apprenticeship, college, uni etc), she needs to get a job. I’d be clear and say you are absolutely not having her lie about the house doing fuck all.

Try colleges, universities, public libraries, citizen’s advice, council, job centres, indeed - all of these surely have resources for helping people find jobs. Get her to make an Indeed account and get a CV together (using help from these places listed - and online!).