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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be friends with your MIL if you weren’t related?

197 replies

ThisPlumZebra · 01/07/2025 22:07

Serious question. Mine means well (I think?), but if I met her randomly at a school event or in a coffee shop… I don’t think we’d even make it past small talk 😬
Too many “little comments,” too many surprise visits, and definitely too many parenting opinions.
Anyone actually likes their MIL here? Enlighten me.

OP posts:
Caligirl80 · 02/07/2025 00:05

Lifesd · 01/07/2025 23:52

No - we have zero in common apart from her son and I find her company tedious and boring. Now widowed I think she is hinting she would like to go on holiday with us and I just could not bear it - a long lunch with the woman is taxing.

Oh no!! My sister is going through something similar with her recently widowed MIL now. The bloody woman has now decided to sell her house and move to live in the same place as my sister!!! And the woman hasn't even spent any time in that town, meaning that she's going to be round at my sister (and her son's) house ALLLLLL the time. Like a horrific opinionated albatross round their necks. My sister needs to put her foot down and put some big time boundaries on that nonsense before anything happens. But the MIL is already inviting herself on their holidays! And when my sister and the kids (and the son - who should be nipping this in the bud himself - he's a twit) are down here visiting my parents this bloody woman invites herself over too! She NEVER helps with anything - never brings my mum a gift or helps with the dishes or makes an effort to be kind or say nice things about my parent's house. She's just a sack of borishness. To the point I'm going to have to be the person who actually does what should have been done a long time ago and has a word with her to convey that she's being a limpet and it's not appropriate.

TeeBee · 02/07/2025 00:07

I love mine…and I’m not married to her son any more. Wonderful woman.

chocolatelover91 · 02/07/2025 00:14

Nope

RitaIncognita · 02/07/2025 00:15

Yes. She has been dead for several years, but when she was alive we had a great relationship. We had a lot in common and used to send each other reading recommendation on a regular basis. She didn't interfere in our marriage or give us advice on child raising. I developed a friendship with her quite apart from my relationship with her son. I miss her.

OldEnoughToFancyBobGeldof · 02/07/2025 00:17

No and I think she’d say the same.

AngeloMysterioso · 02/07/2025 00:20

I don’t know if we’d have been friend friends who hang out, but I wouldn’t have disliked her. She’s kind and she’s been very good to me. Probably I imagine she’d be on the level of a neighbour I chat to while we tend our flower beds.

Weclomehome · 02/07/2025 00:21

When I first met her and for the first couple of years I would have said yes but over time I've realised she's a toxic and manipulative alcoholic who is disgustingly two faced. I used to think she was nice and supportive but then found out she has been saying the most horrible racist stuff about me and my family (and I've seen the texts) whilst being nice as pie to our faces. I now think she's a cunt and I'm happy to take nothing to do with her.

EmotionallyWeird · 02/07/2025 00:23

Mine is dead now, but if she wasn't, I think we would get on well enough to be perfectly polite and nice to each other but we wouldn't really be friends. We had no interests in common (in fact she didn't really seem to have interests) and slightly different values. She was more materialistic than me and liked to show affection by giving people expensive presents, but wasn't a particularly good listener, which is quite important to me. To be honest I found her a bit boring and I suspect she found me a bit scruffy and by her standards worryingly left-wing.

Weclomehome · 02/07/2025 00:24

However my ex-father-in-law was one of my favourite people in the world and splitting up with my ex-husband and knowing that meant losing that relationship with his dad genuinely devastated me. He died and my ex made it clear I wasn't to go to the funeral which I still feel gutted about. I really loved his dad and he just seemed to get me in a way that few people you meet in your life truly do. I miss him.

TheGirlWhoLived · 02/07/2025 00:27

If it was just her and we were randomly acquaintances then we could be possibly passing friends. I would never meet up with just her on purpose as she just isn’t the same as me. Inherently she likes doing everything for a man and gets treated like crap “I’ll have a cup of coffee when you’re ready Edna*” her dh says and she just jumps up and makes it. But it’s their choice, their dynamic.

However, she complains to dh multiple times that the dc spend ‘too much time around TheGirlWhoLived’ when they visit, the dc apparently always talk to me and gravitate to me, which makes her angry…. Almost as if… I’m their SAHM and they spend every second of every day talking to me 🤣

Oh and FIL asked me to abort my second child as he was concerned I couldn’t cope with another (mostly due to not buying dc1 enough Xmas presents I think)

I now have 3 dc, all with DH, FIL is seething

edited due to weird grammar and spelling

AquaBreeze · 02/07/2025 00:37

I think we might be friendly, as opposed to friends. If she was my neighbour I’m sure we’d pass the time of day, say hello, probably take each other’s bins in. We don’t have a huge amount in common but she’s absolutely fine, and fairly chatty.

MoonWoman69 · 02/07/2025 00:40

Both my husbands parents were long dead when we met. But from what he's told me of his mother, I think she would have been difficult for me to get on with. She was quite the snob apparently (had no reason to be by the sound of it, a bit of a Hyacinth Bucket!) and quite opinionated.
My husband spent a lot of time with his grandma as a child and we used to go for a roast dinner to her house every Monday teatime until she sadly and unexpectedly passed away during a routine operation.
I always classed her as my MIL and I absolutely adored her. I loved spending time with her, she never had a bad word to say about anyone. We both still miss her very much and it's 25+ years since she passed away. ❤

Vodkamartini3olives · 02/07/2025 01:28

Absolutely, she's wonderful. Kind funny and has a generous heart. I've been at her place today without DH & kids. We've swam in her pool, played cards and shared several jugs of sangria. I would move in with her given half a chance.

BeachPossum · 02/07/2025 01:41

Yes. Absolutely love mine. She's so kind and genuine and warm and thoughtful. I am absolutely confident that she likes me and loves me, and I feel the same about her. I'd happily spend just as much time chatting over coffee and cake if she weren't my MIL. For the sake of my children, to whom she is a devoted and magnificent grandmother, I'm very very glad she is.

MsNevermore · 02/07/2025 02:25

Absolutely!!

I’m one of the lucky ones, my MIL is awesome 😍🙌🏻
She was only 18 when DH was born, so maybe it’s because there isn’t really a gigantic generational gap there?
She loves a lot of the same music as me, so we go to concerts together quite a lot.
I feel 100% comfortable with discussing the difficult/awkward things with her - probably more comfortable than with my own mum if I’m being totally honest.
Shes got a wicked sense of humour too.
All in all, I think I hit the MIL jackpot.

DontTrustBarbara · 02/07/2025 02:47

No, we're just very different people. I find her interests boring and I'm sure she feels the same way. We hold very different opinions on core values too. We rub along because we have to, but if we'd met independently we wouldn't have wanted to take the relationship any further.

Cookiecrumblepie · 02/07/2025 05:12

No. She’s a nasty piece of work. I dread spending time with her.

furrysocks · 02/07/2025 05:24

Ugh no. Moaning, negative, banal and bangs on about how Nigel Farage is going to save us all. Seeing her twice a year is enough for me.

whynotmereally · 02/07/2025 05:34

My mil is hard work. She’s a bit snobby and judgemental with everyone so I wouldn’t be friends on that basis. But she canbe very snippy with me, little comments when no one else is around. I think she sees me as someone who made her son’s life harder than it has to be. I have. 2 dds who dh has helped raise then we have our own child who is disabled plus I have chronic pain due to back issues. I think she wishes her son had an easier life and blames me for the fact he doesn’t . She also moans I’m not that friendly (I’m surface polite) but if she wasn’t so snippy with me maybe I would be a bit nicer I just can’t let my guard down with her.

Moonnstars · 02/07/2025 05:39

Definitely not. Can't stand her now.
Nosy and interfering. Likes to come across as helpful but that's all part of her being able to nose into other people's lives and then gossip about them.
Manipulates things. Puts on a forgetful act when things don't go her way. Gets FIL handle any conversation that might not go her way by claiming she is being upset.

It's like dealing with a child. I refuse to engage in it and now ignore her.

Dandelionsand4leafclover · 02/07/2025 06:35

Absolutely. She was a lovely lady. She's been dead a few years now and I do still think about her.

ThejoyofNC · 02/07/2025 06:38

Absolutely not, I can't stand her.

TheChosenTwo · 02/07/2025 06:46

100% yes, she’s a brilliant woman.
I’m very close to her, will often knock and drop in if I’m passing without dh - she’s often out because at 80 she has a better social life than me 😂
I feel really grateful to my whole in-law family, they welcomed me in with open arms from day 1 and have never stopped loving and supporting me almost 25 years down the line.
If dh and I ever separated I’d never lose touch with them.

Mummypie21 · 02/07/2025 06:59

ThisPlumZebra · 01/07/2025 22:07

Serious question. Mine means well (I think?), but if I met her randomly at a school event or in a coffee shop… I don’t think we’d even make it past small talk 😬
Too many “little comments,” too many surprise visits, and definitely too many parenting opinions.
Anyone actually likes their MIL here? Enlighten me.

I would be friendly with her and we'd probably chat. I wouldn't be close friends with her because we are very different people.

LindorDoubleChoc · 02/07/2025 07:00

I love and admire my MIL and she's a wonderfully loving and caring mother to her two sons and four grandchildren. She doesn't interfere (we live too far away) and she's quite strong and capable. But we have nothing in common, she's very old fashioned about things like housework and "keeping up appearances" - we wouldn't be friends in other circumstances, even though she's only 16 years older than me.