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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that proposing to a man kills attraction, even in “modern” couples?

168 replies

ByHonestRoseBiscuit · 01/07/2025 20:10

We all talk about equality in relationships but I still think there’s something about a woman proposing that disrupts natural polarity, especially attraction. Even “progressive” men seem to respond awkwardly to it.

AIBU to think that deep down, most men still want to be the ones to lead when it comes to commitment?

OP posts:
Ontobetterthings · 01/07/2025 20:12

It won't be popular but i completely agree. It's the same when you sleep with them first night. I swear they prefer hard to get.

ohyesido · 01/07/2025 20:19

I think many men would feel emasculated by this

Samas · 01/07/2025 20:21

That’ll be your internalised misogyny showing. It’s based on the idea that women should place themselves in a position of submission rather than taking some control in a relationship.

Didimum · 01/07/2025 20:22

Ontobetterthings · 01/07/2025 20:12

It won't be popular but i completely agree. It's the same when you sleep with them first night. I swear they prefer hard to get.

Yeah, no decent man thinks this way. Red flag, so why would you want them anyway?

spoonbillstretford · 01/07/2025 20:24

It's a great way of filtering out twats who feel emasculated by women asking them. Why does there have to be a big proposal from anyone to anyone? DH and I discussed getting married and then made plans to get married.

Didimum · 01/07/2025 20:24

My mum proposed to my dad. They were married for 45 years.

Who wants a man whose ego is so delicate anyway? Throw them back and find a decent one.

Thatsrhesummeroverthen · 01/07/2025 20:24

Ontobetterthings · 01/07/2025 20:12

It won't be popular but i completely agree. It's the same when you sleep with them first night. I swear they prefer hard to get.

Yikes well I did both and we are happily married a couple of decades later.

Wiseplumant · 01/07/2025 20:26

I proposed to my DH , I will ask him if he feels emasculated, I don't think it killed the attraction.

Jane958 · 01/07/2025 20:26

My parents met in 1955. I am told that my mother suggested they could get married, which they did in 1957.
I do not believe my father ever felt emasculated and they were married for 60 years.
Horses for courses?

Mumofteenandtween · 01/07/2025 20:26

spoonbillstretford · 01/07/2025 20:24

It's a great way of filtering out twats who feel emasculated by women asking them. Why does there have to be a big proposal from anyone to anyone? DH and I discussed getting married and then made plans to get married.

Ditto. I don’t think there should ever be proposals. A couple who love each other should discuss, as equals, how they want their relationship to be. A message I am trying to get across to my teenage daughter who is in the throes of first love and thinks just the idea of a proposal is “sooooooo romantic”. 🤦‍♀️

TheCurious0range · 01/07/2025 20:26

I think this is accurate along with the sex on the first date statement , if you date a certain type of man. A knuckle dragging misogynist

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/07/2025 20:30
  1. Not with a real man who is interested in a woman who knows her own mind and wants some agency in her life, no. It might be with some pantywaist who feels emasculated by strong women and wants to waft about playing Romeo and dicking about getting down on one knee and all that.
  2. Who wants to be married to someone who is threatened by women with their own brains and agency anyway?
  3. If proposing to a man scares him off and makes the poor little chap feel threatened or emasculated you've got your answer.
MsDDxx · 01/07/2025 20:34

I agree OP.

I know someone who proposed to the same guy twice before he said yes. I would have been so embarrassed the first time I wouldn’t have ever dared ask again 😂

She cheated on him in the end.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2025 20:35

You can get married without anyone proposing.

Honon · 01/07/2025 20:38

What a depressing read this thread is so far. Internalised misogyny indeed. As bad as the ones about the horrors of short men.

Both my sister and my cousin proposed to their husbands. One recent, one 20 years ago, still going strong. Definitely no qualms about their masculinity in either case, genuinely never occurred to me to think like that.

WorcsEdu · 01/07/2025 20:39

What baffles me are women who propose to men that have said they don’t want to get married. My understanding is that someone (male or female) proposes when the couple has discussed marriage and agreed the want to get married. I know a woman who’s long term boyfriend kept saying he didn’t want to get married and so eventually she bought them both engagement rings and threw a surprise engagement party with all his family and friends where she got down on one knee 😂I always felt like the guy didn’t have much of a choice! She marched him down to the registry office a year later.

InterestedDad37 · 01/07/2025 20:40

Personally (man alert!) I wouldn't give a monkeys, but there's a lot of to$$ers men who would.

19ptrialprice · 01/07/2025 20:43

I think only the insecure ones would feel like this. Bless their poor fragile hearts.

ChilliChoco · 01/07/2025 20:43

Yanbu.
I wanted to be wooed, asked out and proposed to. I wanted the romance and I got it
The one time I asked a guy out who had been flirting with me so much , I felt so insecure after and he went a bit flaky.
I do think there is a natural order of things in the dating world.
As for proposing, yes the couple generally these days will have talked about getting married but I don't know anyone where the woman proposed.
It is lovely to hear of stories where it's worked out but I think it's still rare.

cranberryshortcake · 01/07/2025 20:44

WorcsEdu · 01/07/2025 20:39

What baffles me are women who propose to men that have said they don’t want to get married. My understanding is that someone (male or female) proposes when the couple has discussed marriage and agreed the want to get married. I know a woman who’s long term boyfriend kept saying he didn’t want to get married and so eventually she bought them both engagement rings and threw a surprise engagement party with all his family and friends where she got down on one knee 😂I always felt like the guy didn’t have much of a choice! She marched him down to the registry office a year later.

How did that turn out?

Hoardasurass · 01/07/2025 20:45

It's been traditional for centuries that women propose on February 29th

LittlleMy · 01/07/2025 20:46

Personally, I think the opposite and that a lot of men would actually be absolutely flattered by it and would love the fact that their partner is actively trying to pin them down. If you’re a well balanced man who loves his partner, I can’t imagine how it would make them feel anything less than loved and wanted! I’m quite an introvert in real life but I’d do it if I found the right person and wanted to make an honest man of them!

InWithThePlums · 01/07/2025 20:49

Apparently relationships are more likely to be successful long term if the woman asks the man out first…

Andoutcomethewolves · 01/07/2025 20:49

Our engagement was mutual. I asked H if he fancied getting married when we were in Wetherspoons. He said yeah, why not. And we went to the cash converters next door to buy me a ring for 15 quid.

Sooooo romantic 🤣

Titsywoo · 01/07/2025 20:50

I proposed to my husband and he was delighted. We are still happily together 23 years later. He is a fairly manly man but doesn't seem bothered by silly things like me being stronger than him (which I am right now) or earning more (which I did early on in our relationship but not anymore). I wouldn't be attracted someone who got emasculated over stuff like that.