To think that proposing to a man kills attraction, even in “modern” couples?

[ByHonestRoseBiscuit]

We all talk about equality in relationships but I still think there’s something about a woman proposing that disrupts natural polarity, especially attraction. Even “progressive” men seem to respond awkwardly to it.

AIBU to think that deep down, most men still want to be the ones to lead when it comes to commitment?

I've had three proper relationships and in each one I asked the guy out! Worked for me 😬

I didn't get down on one knee but I hate all that shit. He was about to propose anyway it turns out.

My sister in law proposed marriage to my brother by telling him, while out on a walk, after they’d been dating and living together for about five years. I think the gist of it was, “I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you and have a family - so I’d like to get married to you within the next two years”.

My brother then made plans, bought and ring and did a romantic down on one knee proposal a few months later, and then their wedding was the following summer. I don’t think this is unromantic or demasculating!

It was nice that he knew she was sure of him, and thus confident to make plans.

I hate the term ‘emasculating’, weirdly enough I’ve only ever heard it from women that viewed me as too outspoken and opinionated and never from men themselves but my response has always been along the lines of who cares.

I don’t want anything to do with a man who cares about his ‘masculinity’ in the slightest.

Hahaha

Good joke

However if you are being serious, any man thinking his penis will shrink if a woman proposes is not really worth proposing to....

Gawd what a load of toss. ‘Natural order’ indeed. Happiness comes from loving and being loved honestly. Of course if you focus on who’s job it is to propose or whether you are having sex ‘too soon’ it’s quite hard to work out what you actually want and to be open about it.

This sounds familiar. So it kills the attraction.. like split costs split energy? Any second now "provider energy" will join the chat.

A big decision like marriage is surely best discussed and decided upon as equals rather than being something one person is expected to essentially surprise the other with.

Haha, I mean “provider energy” could join the chat 😅 But seriously, it’s less about money or roles and more about polarity. Attraction often thrives on a bit of dynamic tension - not because one person is lesser but because energy matters. Some couples genuinely thrive with the woman leading proposals. But I still think it’s fair to say many don’t.

I rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain!

"most men still want to be the ones to lead when it comes to commitment?"

Who's marrying these neanderthals and why?

Same here.

Over 25 years.

It must be something to do with choosing men who are adults rather than delicate like snowflakes who need to "lead".

Plenty of women apparently and not always unhappily! 😅 I’m not saying that dynamic works for everyone, just that it still resonates with a lot of men and women, even in so-called progressive circles. It’s not about being a Neanderthal, more about how many people still subconsciously fall into traditional patterns when it comes to commitment.

Yea generally no good comes of chasing men

The oddest thing is when a woman asks her partner to propose to her. It makes no sense. You're asking him to ask you a question, FFS! To all intents and purposes, YOU have proposed to him!

This! Any man who would be put off by a woman proposing or having sex on the first date is not a man I’d want to marry. (Not proposing on the first date, I should make that clear, that would definitely be time to run for the hills!).

DH proposed to me, but I’d already decided I wanted to marry him and would have proposed if he hadn’t, he just beat me to it. And I actually slept with him before the first date, we hooked up after a party. We had known each other for a long time as friends first and I’d had a huge crush on him for ages. I did the chasing, very unsubtly, in the months before the party. I’ve had a few negative comments when I’ve told this story, but I don’t care. I got what I wanted, I might have missed out if I hadn’t chased him. We’ve been happily married for over twenty years.

What century are we in again? 🤨

This has got to be a joke.

A surprising amount of people seem to like this prehistoric cosplay. Something which a certain sort of manipulative bloke tends to use to their advantage.

See all the threads on here which go: "I've got three kids with him, we live together and I haven't worked for 15 years and he won't marry me because he wants to be the one to propose...." etc etc

Someone who is "scared off" by a woman who wants to plan her own financial future is not husband material at all. It's actually a pretty good litmus test. If he curls up into a ball and his testicles drop off because you've dared to ask him, throw him back.

Totally agree Op
I would never propose to a man

This probably explains why 42% of marriages end in divorce.

I made the first move with my DH too and said the L word first.

Sometimes I think we underestimate how much 1950s wiring still shows up in 2020s packaging. Not saying it should be that way, just that it often is, even when people pretend otherwise.

@ByHonestRoseBiscuit

Sometimes I think we underestimate how much 1950s wiring still shows up in 2020s packaging. Not saying it should be that way, just that it often is, even when people pretend otherwise.

"1950s wiring" shows up when its advantageous to men by allowing them to perpetuate patriarchy or to get out of committing to supporting the children they've raised. It's strangely absent when its something which tends to work in the woman's favour.

So these men who get the vapours about women proposing are usually very happy to accept 2020s attitudes to cohabitation and premarital sex and reap the benefits of having a partner who works and brings in money.

Then they mysteriously become "traditional" when someone asks to see the colour of their commitment.

What century are you living in?