To think that proposing to a man kills attraction, even in “modern” couples?

[ByHonestRoseBiscuit]

We all talk about equality in relationships but I still think there’s something about a woman proposing that disrupts natural polarity, especially attraction. Even “progressive” men seem to respond awkwardly to it.

AIBU to think that deep down, most men still want to be the ones to lead when it comes to commitment?

We did the same. No big proposal on either side. We discussed it and then got married.

Surely one of you has to bring the subject up?

I think that's bollocks, OP. If your relationship would be so badly affected by the 'wrong' person proposing, it's not the kind of partnership that will make a good marriage.

'The proposal' is a load of nonsense that people make a fuss about nowadays. It used to be a straightforward 'Will you marry me?' that you could do anywhere, without a fuss, without a ring, without months of preparation, without a fancy holiday... just get over yourselves and get married, people.

I proposed to my husband on leap year it was the most nerve wracking experience of my life. We went on a dog walk it was awful weather and I took a rucksack full of champagne and his favourite ham and cheese… we got half way and the sleet hit hard and just as I was about to propose he got the right ump told me I looked ridiculous carrying a now sodden back pack and he didn’t know why on earth I bought it. We turned back, no proposal and I cried the whole way home to which he was bemused as he didn’t know why I was so upset. When we got back I threw the back pack at him and said well I was bloody going to propose that’s why I’m so upset. Then we both laughed, drank the champagne, ate the now completely soggy ham and cheese and then told everyone that evening we were engaged. Even to this day 4 years married he says how I never even proposed….. I proposed as I knew he never would, we had both been married previously so wasn’t really on our agenda as such but no regrets so far AND I got to choose my ring ❤️

I think you're probably right that it makes some men feel emasculated, but they're also the kind of men I wouldn't marry if you paid me. I think the concept of proposals is silly generally, though.

There's a difference between a "proposal" with all the paraphernalia and melodrama that accompanies it and a grown-up discussion about planning a life together.

One is largely performative and relies on outdated stereotypes about a woman "giving herself" to a man. The other is practical and equal. It doesn't really matter who raises the question. It's a completely different approach.

Nobody proposed in our case.
Just decided to get married…

I always cringe at those big showy proposals. I feel so sorry for the recipient as it would be impossible to say no when your face is on the big screen at the football.

I disagree. A proposal doesn’t have to be performative at all. I suspect the majority of proposals are very low key affairs.

One party just suggesting marriage to the other is a proposal.

They're awful aren't they?! Any public proposal is cringe to be honest!

Totally. I would be hugely turned off by this. It would give me second thoughts about marrying someone I otherwise really liked. I'd feel ambushed.

Depends on the dynamics in individual relationships. I know a lot of men who who ADORE their other halves and it would make no difference who proposed.

My dp would probably think I'd been abducted by aliens if I proposed. I have literally romantic traits whatsoever, but he'd probably keep the alien version of me, as he'd be over the moon.

As old fashioned as this is - men like chase.
I’ve always found relationships work better , when you let him work a bit for you.

I can’t imagine anything more tiring and disappointing than spending my life trying to prop up the illusion of masculinity with performative femininity.

If masculinity in a man is important to you, then finding one who isn’t threatened by a woman asking a question is probably the way to go.

A build-up always results in a better finale, agreed. But I hate the term 'hard to get'. I just want really good, meaningful sex.

What a load of pathetic sexist baloney. Honestly, I despair of some young women these days - and according to the OP, the men are just as bad.

When did we start going backwards? In the 80s I slept with my DH right away & I was the first to suggest marriage, as he was following me for my career- no big proposal, just a sensible discussion. None of this nonsense about asking the father, that also seems to have come back up these days, like cat sick.

I’ve been emasculating my DH for well over 30 years - come back to me when your marriage has lasted as long to tell us how we did it all wrong.

YABU

Me too!

As old fashioned as this is - stupid, insecure men like chase.
I’ve always found relationships work better , when you let him work a bit for you.

Fixed for you.

How many more of these weird ‘To think that…’ AI tradwife rage bait threads is this site going to allow?

YANBU. It annoys me when people try to pretend that men and women are the same and should play the same roles in life. I also don't expect to go halves for at least the first two dates, maybe more.

Tradwife ragebait is the perfect description- I shouldn’t have bitten. ‘Modern couples’ gives is away. Thank fuck I am old fashioned enough not to fall for this regressive sexist nonsense.

Everyone banging on about internalised misogyny yet soooo many threads on MN about preferences against dating very short or very slight men l, men with small hands or feet as they don’t make you feel feminine etc…
lol

“Proposals” and all that go with them (asking permission and so on) need to disappear. A couple should be able to have a Sensible discussion and Agee/ disagree. Romance can come at other times.