To think that proposing to a man kills attraction, even in “modern” couples?

[ByHonestRoseBiscuit]

We all talk about equality in relationships but I still think there’s something about a woman proposing that disrupts natural polarity, especially attraction. Even “progressive” men seem to respond awkwardly to it.

AIBU to think that deep down, most men still want to be the ones to lead when it comes to commitment?

It's not really the same thing though is it?

I think people who have red lines about dating men due to physical characteristics are a bit daft and shallow, but deciding you don't want to sleep with someone with small hands is not really comparable to saying you prefer to play a back-seat role in what could be the most important decision in your financial and family life.

This is not something I believe - it's interesting that you repeatedly use the world polarity, too. I don't believe men and women are opposites, for me our sex is just another feature of us - like our race, or height or our likes/dislikes.

I don't need my husband to be opposite to me to be attracted to him. In fact I'm often attracted when he is being similar - like telling a joke we both enjoy, or working on a project we are mutually undertaking

I guess it really depends on your own personal hang ups and insecurities. Personally I can't imagine wanting to marry someone where my attraction to them was so shallow and tenuous as to be damaged by who raises the question of marriage, but I recognise that I have hang ups and insecurities of my own.

I think men know it's their "job", if they wanted to marry they'd have asked, if they haven't they don't. It's not necessarily that it kills attraction, but that they're scared off and weren't that interested in the first place.

Some men are really into girls being strong minded and showing what they want? I know couples who slept together as soon as they met and are still together, 30 years later. And couples who followed all the conventional rules, and fell apart 3 years down the line... And, of course, other way round, too. There are no hard rules. If there is no genuine attraction, respect and care, nothing will help.

I proposed to my husband on Feb 29th 1996.
Now married for 28 years with 1 DD.
Over the years I have realised that he is a procrastinator of the highest order!
We married when he was 40 and I was 35.
I would have LOVED to have been proposed to and have often wondered if he ever would have.

Inane, misogynistic drivel. Queen Victoria is surely the epitome of traditional values and she didn't seem to take issue with it, and any man that does is surely not worth marrying anyway!

Only if you want to spend your life with a knuckle-dragger who feels ‘emasculated’ by the idea that marriage isn’t something in his gift to treat the ickle woman with.

I don’t think it really matters too much who proposes. I think the problem arises when the woman proposes because the relationship is obviously at the proposal
stage, but the man is reluctant to commit. When a couple is ready for that next stage, both parties should be excited to move ahead. Given strong traditional influences, it’s the rare couple where the man who actually wants to get married won’t propose before the woman gets around to it.

I'm not sure about this. I agree with the premise that if a man doesn't want to commit to a woman the woman chasing the man isn't going to persuade him.

But if a man doesn't want to commit to a woman he's not the right man in the first place and the woman needs to move on and cut her losses.

There's no benefit to waiting around for someone to want to marry you and hinting and nudging them and all this other daft stuff people do when they're "waiting for a proposal". If you ask and the answer is no, it's your cue to end things. Not to wait around, play silly games and drop indirect hints. It's undignified and you lose all control of your life living like this. One strike and you're out.

Totally agree. The whole waiting for a man to propose thing is demeaning.

Not in my case. Neither proposed. We discussed it and decided together. I brought it up though.

I proposed to my husband. I say proposed - got absolutely drunk asked him to marry me, told my mum and the world, denied I'd asked when questioned, threw up in a pint glass, felt very stupid the next day! We've been married 24 years.

So, in effect, you proposed getting married. He agreed.

Then men are idiots!

I never understood emasculating a man.

If a woman can make a man feel emasculated then they shouldn't have put women in charge of their masculinity

If women can take it away, it must be a woman's to give.

Men dont and cant take away my femininity because it was always my own.

It’s also demeaning for a ‘bride’ to be ‘given away’ by her father! She’s a daughter not a bloody used car or old garden spade he doesn’t want anymore!

What about men who didn't propose at all? My now husband and i sat down and talked about the future and agreed to marry.
Nobody proposed to anybody.
Is that emasculating,

Same here, it was a mutual agreement. Because we're equals. Women aren't commodities to be handed over at the altar.

Because some people like a bit of romance and it’s a nice occasion to remember?

I agree. It’s a complicated situation though, there’s no reason why a woman shouldn’t propose but there is a strange perception of it, a very outdated mode of thinking

Even in that situation, one of you will have had to propose getting married first.

Was it him? Was it you?

So many women are waiting for men to propose and are hurt and experience low self esteem as a result of feeling rejected by their partners not asking them to get married. That’s ok though because otherwise the men would feel emasculated and we need to protect their poor widdle feelings.

Give me a break.

we need to normalise women making decisions and advocating for themselves in all areas of their lives.

I am genuinely shocked and dismayed at some of the posts on this thread.

I do agree that most heterosexual couples do fall into gender roles from the 1950’s in their relationships and it most definitely is not a good thing for anyone.

It was my friend who was staying with us at the time.
She said we were perfect for each other and we should get married.
After she'd gone we talked about it.

We just both agreed she was right. I cant remember which one of us said that first, we were just both on the same page with it.

What drives me mental is getting the boyfriend to ask her dad for her hand. My niece said this to her partner. Not sure why cos he didn’t ask her dad’s permission to get her pregnant or to move in. Maybe acceptable if there is a dowry involved.

And why is it the dad’s permission to give and not the mum’s? Most mums do more parenting than dad’s. Why doesn’t the bride check with her father in law before saying yes.