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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH may have done this with a bit too much aggression?

165 replies

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 08:58

We were playing a competitive game. I ended up in A and E and can’t walk. No a proper break but it’s really sore, it’s an ‘avulsion fracture’. It was definitely excessive force on his part.

I laughed it off, but another member of the team was quite shocked (although sort of joking). And described DH’s action as vile!
DH is often passive aggressive towards me.
He has made up somewhat with tea, dinner made etc - but this morning it’s back to being pretty rude, mumbling, complaining while I’m hobbling about. He has got to work plus sort out the kids, so I can see it’s frustrating.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/07/2025 09:29

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:19

Good grief, I wasn’t expecting responses like this!
It was football. There were also children playing, and no he wouldn’t have tackled a child like this. Although I was desperate to get the ball so I did also kick hard against his hard kick - but was aiming for the ball. I can’t quite remember what happened but our feet collided.

Why did you start this thread op...? If everything is ay ok...you wouldn't have felt the need to ask others their opinion surely?

CanOfMangoTango · 01/07/2025 09:30

You are really downplaying how fucking terrible this is. You shouldn't have laughed it off you should be telling him to stay the fuck away from you for the rest of your lives

Frankly, this.

He used excessive force and really hurt you. Normal men would definitely tone it down playing with women let alone their wife! And to not even apologise. My DH would be absolutely beside himself with remorse. Yours sounds like a psychopath.

sweetpickle2 · 01/07/2025 09:33

If my DP accidentally injured me he would be absolutely mortified and apologetic and incredibly upset.

Your husband sounds deranged, frankly, and you're encouraging it by downplaying his behaviour.

Also "this morning it’s back to being pretty rude, mumbling, complaining while I’m hobbling about. He has got to work plus sort out the kids, so I can see it’s frustrating." boo hoo hoo poor man has to parent his own children for a change.

hididdlyho · 01/07/2025 09:34

He didn't apologise?! I can see how he may have got carried away, misjudged a tackle and injured you, but a loving partner would be really apologetic and feel awful in this situation.

Original poster
CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:34

I don’t know! It’s AIBU, so I wasn’t sure if the responses would be:

  1. you were playing a competitive game and accidents happen 2)it was too much aggression I do generally get a lot of passive aggressive behaviour. Never physical - but it felt like the general grumpiness I get spilled over into physical competitiveness that he didn’t ‘play down’ to my strength, and wasn’t particularly sorry afterwards.
OP posts:
Rabbitsockpeony · 01/07/2025 09:36

DH is often passive aggressive towards me.
He has made up somewhat with tea, dinner made etc - but this morning it’s back to being pretty rude, mumbling, complaining while I’m hobbling about.

It sounds like he saw a covert opportunity to hurt you, and took it, thinking it would be masked by ‘playing football’.

🚩

Don’t start defending him now..

TheCountessofLocksley · 01/07/2025 09:37

@CatandaTiddle- you are still minimising his actions. What reaction did you expect? Whilst avulusion fractures are treated like a sprain (in most cases) there can be complications like misalignment during the healing process and/or ongoing joint/ligament pain and weakness.

He showed no remorse, is not supporting you at home and is acting like an abuser. It will be a child next - he’s a godawful man and you are enabling jom
by accepting his treatment of you. Listen to that person who called him vile - that’s the beginning of your support network.

Rabbitsockpeony · 01/07/2025 09:37

CanOfMangoTango · 01/07/2025 09:30

You are really downplaying how fucking terrible this is. You shouldn't have laughed it off you should be telling him to stay the fuck away from you for the rest of your lives

Frankly, this.

He used excessive force and really hurt you. Normal men would definitely tone it down playing with women let alone their wife! And to not even apologise. My DH would be absolutely beside himself with remorse. Yours sounds like a psychopath.

Very much this @CatandaTiddle I don’t think you’re quite as oblivious to this appalling man’s actions as you subsequently have tried to appear, or you wouldn’t have posted.

My husband would never forgive himself if he hurt one of us.

Rabbitsockpeony · 01/07/2025 09:39

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:34

I don’t know! It’s AIBU, so I wasn’t sure if the responses would be:

  1. you were playing a competitive game and accidents happen 2)it was too much aggression I do generally get a lot of passive aggressive behaviour. Never physical - but it felt like the general grumpiness I get spilled over into physical competitiveness that he didn’t ‘play down’ to my strength, and wasn’t particularly sorry afterwards.

He’s an abusive cunt. That’s it. He saw an opportunity to physically assault you, under the guise of a ‘game’, and he took it. And now he’s furious with you that you’re injured because of his actions.

Is that what you think love is?

MyHouseInThePrairie · 01/07/2025 09:40

Your dh did that in purpose and is showing no remorse. Worse he is now making it that it’s somehow your fault he has to manage the dcs in the morning!

Come on. It’s not frustrating to have to deal with the dcs in the am on your own when you’re the reason why your dwife can’t help!
Its normal.

The fact he is now grumpy, moaning etc…. Aka his NORMAL SELF tells you all you need to know.
He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t respect you.
He won’t ket you have the rest you need either.

LBFseBrom · 01/07/2025 09:40

Rabbitsockpeony · 01/07/2025 09:36

DH is often passive aggressive towards me.
He has made up somewhat with tea, dinner made etc - but this morning it’s back to being pretty rude, mumbling, complaining while I’m hobbling about.

It sounds like he saw a covert opportunity to hurt you, and took it, thinking it would be masked by ‘playing football’.

🚩

Don’t start defending him now..

I agree.

An avulsion fracture can take a few weeks to heal.

That was awful! He could at the very least show remorse but is behaving as though it's nothing.

My husband once made gravy in the meat dish on the stove, picked it up, swerved and knocked some boiling liquid onto my foot. That was an accident! He was extremely remorseful. I got a blister but nobody died, it was soon over.

Your injury, the tackling, was aggressive. You're not a footballer.

JLou08 · 01/07/2025 09:40

I can't imagine people would call him vile if they believed it was an accident. I think you need to speak to the other adults there to get a perspective on this. He could be gasslighting you whilst people around clearly see he is abusing you.

MieleForMe · 01/07/2025 09:42

My Dh would be absolutely mortified if he hurt me, he would be crying his eyes out if that meant I had to attend A&E with my injury. He would be waiting on me hand and foot, taking care of everything and not muttering one fucking word of complaint about any of it.

That is what you cannot see. You have been conditioned by his behaviour to downplay what has happened to you. Plus you are the broken appliance, great when you are functioning but not great when you cannot perform your duties, your role, your function in the household.

BoudiccaRuled · 01/07/2025 09:42

You kicked his foot, which he was also kicking at the same time? I mean, you sound like you are twisting this to be abusive, I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

NC28 · 01/07/2025 09:42

OP, football is a contact sport and injuries happen very often, especially if you were wearing normal trainers, no shin pads etc. I think many of the posters here have clearly never trained or played football in their life.

Was it a 50/50 ball and you’ve come off worse? You say you kicked back for the ball too, so it sounds like it was a loose ball for either player to go for.

Or did he fly into you? Does he usually play with men and has maybe let this lead his style of play?

If it were me, I’d be looking at the bigger picture in terms of how he is generally. The attitude afterwards is an issue in particular; he should be apologetic, annoyed with himself, cringing at his forcefulness, lifting and laying you etc.

Watermelonice · 01/07/2025 09:43

It sounds like he doesn’t respect you very much

DiggingHoles · 01/07/2025 09:43

OP, your husband is physically and emotionally abusing you. If he acted like this towards one of the children, you'd have a visit from social services. This may still happen, as I am sure his behavior set off all sorts of alarm bells at the hospital.

Not only did he fracture one of your bones, he is not even sorry, is complaining about having to take care of his own children and he has no sympathy for your injury that he caused.

Please leave this man as soon as you can safely do so. This will only get worse. It's also bad for the children to see their mom getting abused and as the children get older, they will be at risk too.

Please, take this seriously OP, even if you can't leave right away.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 01/07/2025 09:43

And btw YY about the fact he is abusive.
He hit you on purpose.
It doesn’t matter it was in the context of a game. It’s just a nice cover up fir him.
He hit you. He hurt you so he could ‘win’. He sent you to hospital. He broke a bone (regardless of the type of fracture), tore some ligaments.

Don’t minimise what he did.

Rabbitsockpeony · 01/07/2025 09:43

BoudiccaRuled · 01/07/2025 09:42

You kicked his foot, which he was also kicking at the same time? I mean, you sound like you are twisting this to be abusive, I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

Posts like this are dangerous.

okydokethen · 01/07/2025 09:44

Your gut feeling is right, his attitude and behaviour spilled over into aggression and that isn’t accidental. What a total arsehole.

thepariscrimefiles · 01/07/2025 09:44

His lack of apology and remorse is very telling here. He is usually passive-aggressive towards you and this display of outright physical aggression during a game of football with children is a clear indication that he isn't bothered that he has injured you. If it really was an accident, he would be really upset to see his wife in so much pain requiring a visit to A&E and getting a fracture diagnosis.

He doesn't care and his only concern is for himself as he now needs to pick up more care for the children and household tasks that you can't manage.

This should be a wake up call. I don't think that he is a safe person for you to have in your life.

JifNtGif · 01/07/2025 09:45

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:21

It wasn’t a bone break, an avulsion fracture I think is a ligament pulling away from the bone - and doctor. She said rest for two days and then gradually start to use again. No cast, although I’ve got it strapped.

It's still a fracture OP. Ligament pulls away from the bone through pulling some bone with it.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 01/07/2025 09:45

NC28 · 01/07/2025 09:42

OP, football is a contact sport and injuries happen very often, especially if you were wearing normal trainers, no shin pads etc. I think many of the posters here have clearly never trained or played football in their life.

Was it a 50/50 ball and you’ve come off worse? You say you kicked back for the ball too, so it sounds like it was a loose ball for either player to go for.

Or did he fly into you? Does he usually play with men and has maybe let this lead his style of play?

If it were me, I’d be looking at the bigger picture in terms of how he is generally. The attitude afterwards is an issue in particular; he should be apologetic, annoyed with himself, cringing at his forcefulness, lifting and laying you etc.

Except it’s also clear they we’re playing with kids too. And he would never have use that level of ‘force’ with one of the children.

He has no reason to not do the same with the OP. Who clearly isn’t playing regularly. Didn’t wear shin pads (even though I’m struggling to see how they have protected her foot) etc etc…

It’s always up to the stronger player to adjust their game. Just like the stronger walker adjust their pace to the slowest one when going hill walking, No excuse.

MoFadaCromulent · 01/07/2025 09:46

CatandaTiddle · 01/07/2025 09:34

I don’t know! It’s AIBU, so I wasn’t sure if the responses would be:

  1. you were playing a competitive game and accidents happen 2)it was too much aggression I do generally get a lot of passive aggressive behaviour. Never physical - but it felt like the general grumpiness I get spilled over into physical competitiveness that he didn’t ‘play down’ to my strength, and wasn’t particularly sorry afterwards.

Accidents can absolutely happen, and an injury like yours could be completely accidental even with men checking the power and aggression they use when playing football to allow for the power difference when playing with a woman. If you're both going for a loose ball or someone is about to shoot and the defender manages to stick a foot in and nick the ball away when you're not expecting it or they're on your blindside you could easily kick someone full force without even knowing they were in your vicinity until it's too late. That is a risk anyone takes in competitive sport.

But the reaction is absolutely telling and probably indicates that he knows he was wrong and is trying to minimize it by getting you on the "accidents happen" message rather than apologizing profusely.

If I accidentally fractured someones leg in my 5 a side game, where everyone accepts it's at full pace, I would feel fucking awful and would be showing more concern than he is and those people are essentially strangers to me.

InvitingMattress · 01/07/2025 09:46

NC28 · 01/07/2025 09:42

OP, football is a contact sport and injuries happen very often, especially if you were wearing normal trainers, no shin pads etc. I think many of the posters here have clearly never trained or played football in their life.

Was it a 50/50 ball and you’ve come off worse? You say you kicked back for the ball too, so it sounds like it was a loose ball for either player to go for.

Or did he fly into you? Does he usually play with men and has maybe let this lead his style of play?

If it were me, I’d be looking at the bigger picture in terms of how he is generally. The attitude afterwards is an issue in particular; he should be apologetic, annoyed with himself, cringing at his forcefulness, lifting and laying you etc.

I play contact sports. I don’t play contact sports with men who are double my size.

If I were having a kickaround in the park with DS and his friends and some of the other parents, I would expect the men playing to be aware that they are playing with women and children, and not tackle aggressively.