MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

[AlwaysHopefull89]

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

It's awful seeing the giant piles of haggard cheap clothing rotting away in third world countries isn't it?? It's truly miserable what all these "fast fashion" places are doing: the clothing is rubbish and breaks down quickly, meaning our water systems are being polluted by microplastics even more than usual, and the workers are treated terribly . And awful that so many first world countries are sending all their junk to the third world. Wish that people would stop buying so much stuff that's made out of polyester and other man made materials. Also wish that there was more interest in using British-made/originated materials - wool being a key one. But there is an uptick in using wool now - for duvets, insulation etc. Hopefully people are becoming more mindful. I'm glad there are so many opportunities these days to reuse/recycle/upcycle items.

You are a nasty snob. Your MIL couldn't possibly be buying children's knickers from charity shops, because they don't sell them. Ever.

You sound like my SIL a few years ago, I understand your frustration. My Mum used to buy all sorts of tat for my DB/SIL kids and they aren't too keen on charity shop stuff.

I love a charity shop bargain and still look for my kids now and my mum has calmed down on the absolute tat she buys, its more jigsaws, games and toys now and my kids are happy with those. The only thing I'm not keen on is that its made an expectation from my young kids that granny always buys them things when she visits or when we visit her, but it is a kind thing your MIL is doing.

Its not worth falling out over, I know you don't have a lot of time to re-donate, so how about gathering it up and making a donation every 3 months or so? Or using a donation point in a supermarket carpark?

She’s not stingy - she’s buying lots of things for DD, you just don’t want them.

I am afraid you are coming across as pretty mean spirited. If this brings her happiness just leave her be and accept the presents with good grace. If you don't like them or can't use them then give them back to a charity shop at the right moment.

This is my DM, doesnt bother me though, she means well and I’m a fan of charity shops myself

I LOVE charity shops and go any time I can.

But I agree with you OP. I think it’s hurtful what your MIL is non-verbally communicating- that you/your daughter aren’t worth much. Giving every single item is thoughtless.

I hope you feel better soon.

Another poster who thinks you’re exaggerating

Charity shops don’t sell used children’s knickers. Or even new ones for that matter.

They also don’t sell stained clothes. Far too much competition including from Vinted for that!

If the problem is the quantity that she buys, over quality, just have that conversation - and assume her best intentions. Life’s too short to do anything else?

My MIL was like this. She even had a clear out once and gave me things she thought I would like. One was a half empty tube of Savlon antiseptic cream which was out of date by about six years. I say thanks ever so much and it all goes straight in the bin. She only buys utter tat for the children and if I don’t like the clothes they go straight to the charity shop. I can’t be doing with clothes i don’t like cluttering up my house. It wasn’t a money issue, it’s a frugal, miserly issue.

Why does OP have to accept an absolute load of unusable tat coming into her house every time her MIL visits? She has asked her to stop doing this and her MIL didn't speak to her for weeks (though that sounds like a bonus to me).

Why would anyone keep doing this when they know that the recipient doesn't want and doesn't use these things? Gifts are supposed to give pleasure to the recipient as well as the giver. Her MIL's behaviour is obviously a passive-aggressive way of pissing off her DIL while being able to maintain the fiction that she is being kind and generous.

They do sell new knickers in a pack. I saw some last week.

I’ve bought shoes from a UK charity shop before!

I have definitely bought an item of clothing that stunk off cigarettes from a charity shop! It was a cute cardigan, and I didn't notice the smell in the shop, but once I was home it was overpowering! I really liked it though so left it to air out for a year (!) and the smell largely disapated.

I think having grandparents buy things for your kids that you don't need, want, or have space for is a widely shared problem. Some are worse than others, and I think there is a particular subset of charity-addicted grannies who are quite bad for it.

Come on Op ! You don’t like your MIL, not sure why although she has committed the cardinal sin of being from ‘ a different ( older) generation so that’s a poor place to start from. Perhaps she is indeed just not very nice, you haven’t much in common ….even the dearest of DH can have some less than delightful friends and relatives.

But you say she gives ‘new’ things to her other DC and DGC, so have you stopped to think that she knows you don’t like her, and that the feeling is mutual? Maybe she is sitting at home with a cup of coffee after work and planning her next raid on a charity shop so she can buy loads of ‘tat’ and give it to you, and enjoy the expression of fury and disgust on your face.

Some of the PP have explained how they have dealt with similar situations of unwanted or inappropriate gifts with tact and grace. They give hope for the human race.

Ignore this OP. I understand your hurt.

And you’re wrong btw. I found a pack of new knickers still in their packaging last week.

Agree with this. It’s just making work. And knickers?? That’s not pleasant at all.

If you had put a vote in, I would have said YANBU. Stained or smelly stuff is grim. Who gets knickers from a charity shop? I was also under the impression that small children should not wear second hand shoes because they will have moulded to the previous user's feet and can affect the new user's gait. Happy to be corrected if I am misinformed about this. I routinely both give out and receive second hand clothes from and for my kids to/ from friends and relatives. I hate waste. But charity shopping is a choice and should not be forced on someone, especially with massive amounts of stuff you simply didn't ask for.

Sorry, but I don't agree that the OP should have to put up with accepting stuff her MIL buys from charity shops. She is not a snob because she does not like what she is given. It may not be her thing. Also, the MIL buying stuff fulfils her need to control and it also feeds her need for a dopamine rush she gets from buying 'stuff'. I would well and truly put a stop to it. Why should the OP have to go through the charade of being grateful and then passing it on again or indeed 'chucking' it? I would be honest yet polite and say we have enough 'stuff' and are having a good clear out as I speak. Good luck OP!

Yes I’m wondering where are all these charity shops selling dirty and ripped underwear and clothes.

None of the local charity shops take underwear, even if its still in its packaging unopened. Nor do they sell dirty or ripped or stinking clothes those go to the rag recycling. This is standard policy for every chain of charity shops IME.

I agree. She might be more environmentally friendly, but she’s buying stuff that doesn’t get used. Somebody else might buy one of those items, and actually use it!
She doesn’t have to go to Primark and buy loads of fresh tat. But she has can afford to buy a new, meaningful gift. Think handmade locally, doesn’t need to be expensive.

I think the bottom line is you just don't like your MIL.

Lots of mean people out today I see.

This!!!!!!!!!

….. and I have just donated a lovely pair of shoes (too high for someone like me who is mostly in flip flops) to BHF which were gratefully accepted 😊

I love the concept of giving items a whole new life.

I see you don't have an answer to my questions about her MIL's motivation for this behaviour. I don't think her MIL is kind.