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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL obsessed with charity shops, Aibu?

341 replies

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:19

Is it normal? Or am I just being awful?

Everything she buys my 3 year old, whether it be birthday or Christmas is from charity shops. Knickers to shoes.

She is in the same x3 local shops every day after work as she finishes at work at 12. I honestly do not mind charity shops in general as I use them myself! But it is literally EVERYTHING from there and what upsets me is the lying about it. Just because it has a ‘next’ tag on it means it’s from next when I ask ‘where is it from’? She always says ‘next’ or ‘M&S’ and rips the charity shop label off so I can’t see it before giving it to me.

what has upset me is last time she gave us bits they smelt of smoke and expected my DD to wear them.

I worry also she has an obsession with it. She never buys anything new. I know she enjoys thrifting obsessively as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me ….

she is also sadly very stingy with DD. I sound awful

OP posts:
Sandandsea123 · 01/07/2025 08:15

Do we have the same MIL op?? Mine does the same. Bags and bags of “stuff” every week. We don’t need or want it and it just takes up space / effort to sort through and wash / get rid of. Car boots are another of her favourites. Once a week she goes and we get crap dropped off. Plastic toys with missing parts and no batteries, clothes for a 5 year old (our baby is 7 months) I hate it. For Christmas she spends the year buying stuff from charity shops / car boots then sits down and looks through the pile and decides who gets what; nothing brought with intention, just wants a big pile. This year she gave our baby the same book 3 times and eldest the same pack of toiletries twice.

Imbusytodaysorry · 01/07/2025 08:15

@AlwaysHopefull89 i would explain that you would prefer not to have charity shop gifts. .Its her thing but for your child you are buying new.

LBFseBrom · 01/07/2025 08:15

PlutoCat · 30/06/2025 23:24

I love a charity shop bargain, plus the quality of older clothes is so much better.

I have never seen knickers in any charity shop.

Me neither, no knickers unless they are brand new in a packet.

Also charity shops don't take anything dirty and staff not allowed to smoke. All clothes are steamed.

If something smells of smoke, you can wash it surely.

Charity shops are good.

TheGrimSmile · 01/07/2025 08:16

CountryQueen · 30/06/2025 23:53

Thanks but we don’t need any more clothes or toys for her at the moment.

Or, this top stinks of fags so she won’t be able to wear it. And hand it back to her

You'd really be that rude and unkind to your MIL. That's horrible and totally unnecessary.

TheGrimSmile · 01/07/2025 08:17

Charity shops don't normally sell second hand underwear.

BogRollBOGOF · 01/07/2025 08:17

It sounds like a combination of shopping addiction possibly with some hoarding tendencies (by proxy) thrown in. She needs the dopamine hit from finding her "bargain" but shoves the consequences on to others and dresses it up as being loving and possibly eco-friendly

If she was shopping on this scale paying full, new prices, you'd be concerned about the cost and the stuff building up.

Regularly buying any random tat from charity shops is not a bargain. It's not generous. It's also not saving the environment because it's depriving others that may genuinely want that item from benefiting from it, and you're just deflecting it on to someone else to dispose of. Children don't benefit from excessive stuff that they have little interest in either.

Charity shops vary. Some are pleasant, places to find good quality items. Some are... not. If her local shop doesn't have a high standard of donations (it might be an area where donations are not plentiful) then it makes sense that items are regularly of dubious quality. I liked a second-hand bargain when my DCs were little but I soon learned which shops and areas were good and which were best avoided. They're good places to browse and get something if it's genuinely useful to you.

Charity shops being generally associated with the positives of saving money and reusing items covers up the extent of compulsive shoping and unhealthy attitudes to stuff.

Walkaround · 01/07/2025 08:17

The problem is not that she is buying from charity shops, it’s that she is buying ripped, stinky crap from charity shops and not even bothering to rewash clothing and iron it nicely before passing it on to you. That’s not a nice gift, that’s getting you to do something she should have done in order to make the gift thoughtfully, respectfully and lovingly given.

DorothyandtheWizard · 01/07/2025 08:17

tammienorrie · 01/07/2025 08:14

I am also a charity shop volunteer, 10 years. Two household name charities. Underwear only sold Bnwt but OP seems to have a massive problem with Bnwt from a charity shop too. Unsure how something can simultaneously be Bnwt and ripped/stained.

also agree that stained or damaged stuff would be straight in the recycling. Sometimes you miss a mark or split seam but no shop has a policy of putting out damaged stock.

OP has a clear issue with charity shops in general and would prefer all brand new. Which is a weird attitude to me but that’s up to her. OP’s MIL having a shopping addiction is a separate issue.

Re read her posts. She didn't say BNWT.

She said the 'brand tags' inside the garment were removed but the gran insisted they were originally sold by Next, M&S etc.

OP doesn't have an issue with charity shops in general. She says she doesn't want loads of these clothes, she doesn't need them and yes, they aren't the best quality at times.

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 01/07/2025 08:20

My mum is a bit like that OP. She buys things just for the sake of it, usually ugly - just because she saw it and it was in DD’s size, she must buy it! It’s like a compulsion. She loves a bargain and thinks she’s also being all eco but actually it’s just more items coming into my house that I have to process - store, get rid of etc. Cheers mum! 😆

Bowandarrows · 01/07/2025 08:21

BogRollBOGOF · 01/07/2025 08:17

It sounds like a combination of shopping addiction possibly with some hoarding tendencies (by proxy) thrown in. She needs the dopamine hit from finding her "bargain" but shoves the consequences on to others and dresses it up as being loving and possibly eco-friendly

If she was shopping on this scale paying full, new prices, you'd be concerned about the cost and the stuff building up.

Regularly buying any random tat from charity shops is not a bargain. It's not generous. It's also not saving the environment because it's depriving others that may genuinely want that item from benefiting from it, and you're just deflecting it on to someone else to dispose of. Children don't benefit from excessive stuff that they have little interest in either.

Charity shops vary. Some are pleasant, places to find good quality items. Some are... not. If her local shop doesn't have a high standard of donations (it might be an area where donations are not plentiful) then it makes sense that items are regularly of dubious quality. I liked a second-hand bargain when my DCs were little but I soon learned which shops and areas were good and which were best avoided. They're good places to browse and get something if it's genuinely useful to you.

Charity shops being generally associated with the positives of saving money and reusing items covers up the extent of compulsive shoping and unhealthy attitudes to stuff.

100% this.

YANBU OP. Nothing wrong with charity shops. But your MIL is addicted to shopping and/or a bargain, and leaving you to deal with the consequences. You are well within your rights to try and address this with her!

DorothyandtheWizard · 01/07/2025 08:22

Charity shops now are just like any other business. I'd love to know how much of their profit goes to the actual charity and how much to the CEOs. I've become very sceptical having looked at some online company accounts.
One near me was closed for weeks for a revamp yet the stock is just the same and they must have spent thousands on tarting up the shop.

Buy 2nd hand if you want to of course, but not all the money will be spent as we'd like.

Floisme · 01/07/2025 08:26

Actually while I'm here, I'm increasingly finding charity shop clothes do stink: of perfumed fabric sprays/ conditioners. It's horrible and it doesn't always wash out.

howcanistayhinged · 01/07/2025 08:28

DorothyandtheWizard · 01/07/2025 08:17

Re read her posts. She didn't say BNWT.

She said the 'brand tags' inside the garment were removed but the gran insisted they were originally sold by Next, M&S etc.

OP doesn't have an issue with charity shops in general. She says she doesn't want loads of these clothes, she doesn't need them and yes, they aren't the best quality at times.

Yes, OP said the the charity shop labels have been removed and that the garments have no original tags on them- she knows where they’re originally from by the “sewn in NEXT labels”

The items are not BNWT. They are worn items.

squashyhat · 01/07/2025 08:30

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:53

Another thing for me also, everything is half full or broken/ ripped. I’ve had the toiletries also. Also other grandkids of hers get new also!

I think it could be a generational thing I don’t know

There we go with the ageism again 🙄

Toseland · 01/07/2025 08:33

Don't wear second-hand shoes - especially for kids. All the other things bag and phone a charity to collect.

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 08:36

AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:25

I understand she likes a bargain too. But is it normal to her extent?

"Normal" doesn't really exist. It's clearly not normal for you. She may find some of your behaviours aren't "normal". Lots of people love thrift store shopping, and think it's great from both a bargain and environmental perspective.

Unclear where the "knickers" idea is coming from - I don't recall seeing any charity shops selling used underpants. Maybe brand new unopened packets - in which case there's no issue.

I've got a few relatives who enjoy charity shop perusals, and buying stuff on vinted etc. It gives them joy to find a bargain - and that's understandable. Also understandable why they may not wish to spend a ton of money on brand new kids clothes - they grow out of them very quickly.

I do understand why you would be upset if the clothes are obviously dirty/smelly/not fit for use. That said, even brand new clothes can have a bit of a nasty smell. In her situation I would usually wash any charity shop finds before I gave them to anyone else, especially a child. I would also not expect the recipient to necessarily want them - and it wouldn't bother me if they didn't because fashion and clothing is a very personal thing.

As for re-gifting things that you've given to her in the first place: that's a different thing entirely. That is understandably something you'd be a bit annoyed about - though given she's elderly she may have forgotten it was you who gave it to her. She may associate you with the items but gotten the association incorrect. That sort of forgetfulness is pretty normal for older people (you asked what's normal and what isn't).

As with all things the way to deal with this if it's bothering you is to communicate with her about it, and to do so in as kind a way as possible. It's lovely that she wants to gift things to you and your family - maybe instead of being negative about it you could approach this by giving her some ideas of the sorts of things you would actually like for your children: so, you would like some GAP kids shorts in whatever size they like. Or you'd like a Polo Ralph Lauren t-shirt or somesuch. That'll give her things to look for (which thrifters often enjoy). And if you don't want clothes then ask for something else - some people collect mid century Pyrex for example (not my cup of tea, but hey - each to their own).

As for her selling stuff on FB marketplace - unclear what your issue is with that (your account of what is happening there seems a bit unclear: you say: "as any toys she would buy for DD on FB marketplace for free, she would then keep at hers but would then proceed to sell them next week on FB marketplace for ££!! And not tell me..." First, if she's getting them for free on FB marketplace then she's not buying them - she's being given then; Second, you say she's keeping them and then selling them...what's wrong with that?? She was the one who got them, why does she have to tell you what she is doing with stuff she's getting for free on FB? Do you mean to say that she's found things on FB Marketplace before, told you that she got them for your child, but never actually gave them to your child and instead sold them? Well, given your attitude to her finds and thrifting she may well have gotten the impression you weren't all that fussed about whatever the item was, so she decided to sell it. Or, put another way, you can't have it both ways. Plus, how do you know she's sold the stuff? Seems a bit odd to be keeping tabs on what people are buying and selling.

Also unclear what you mean about her being "stingy" - what are you expecting from her? She's getting your child gifts, what more do you want?

If you don't want to communicate with her about this then the way forward would just be to say thank you when she gives you stuff, and then then just donate whatever you don't like back to the charity shops. But put it in a donation box that won't be locally distributed.

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 08:37

Floisme · 01/07/2025 08:26

Actually while I'm here, I'm increasingly finding charity shop clothes do stink: of perfumed fabric sprays/ conditioners. It's horrible and it doesn't always wash out.

If you don't like it then don't buy it. All new stuff "stinks" too - and is covered in rather nasty chemicals to prevent the clothes going mouldy in transport/storage - so you're getting nasties either way.

Doomygloomy · 01/07/2025 08:37

Title should read -
MIL buys all DDs gifts from charity shops . AIBU to think this is odd?

That is the issue !

My MIL is the same and I won’t lie i was abit shocked ! Never buys new . Ever.

However- they save £50 a month for each of our children a month in an ISA! MIL has issues with waste and the environment and thinks money should be saved not wasted on holidays or toys ! I was blown away when they informed me last year about the savings and was so relieved I had never mentioned the charity shop toys and clothes !!!!

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 08:39

Toseland · 01/07/2025 08:33

Don't wear second-hand shoes - especially for kids. All the other things bag and phone a charity to collect.

There's nothing necessarily problematic with second hand shoes. Is your concern athletes foot? If so it's easy to clean shoes and replace the insoles if you're that bothered about it. Got some really superb vintage boots from thrift stores that are amazing - and easily cleaned.

flowersandfoil · 01/07/2025 08:40

Fast fashion and the over buying of clothes is killing the environment. Clothes don’t get recycled they just get dumped in other parts of the world.

if you don’t want things from charity shops ask your MIL to stop buying you things.

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 08:46

BogRollBOGOF · 01/07/2025 08:17

It sounds like a combination of shopping addiction possibly with some hoarding tendencies (by proxy) thrown in. She needs the dopamine hit from finding her "bargain" but shoves the consequences on to others and dresses it up as being loving and possibly eco-friendly

If she was shopping on this scale paying full, new prices, you'd be concerned about the cost and the stuff building up.

Regularly buying any random tat from charity shops is not a bargain. It's not generous. It's also not saving the environment because it's depriving others that may genuinely want that item from benefiting from it, and you're just deflecting it on to someone else to dispose of. Children don't benefit from excessive stuff that they have little interest in either.

Charity shops vary. Some are pleasant, places to find good quality items. Some are... not. If her local shop doesn't have a high standard of donations (it might be an area where donations are not plentiful) then it makes sense that items are regularly of dubious quality. I liked a second-hand bargain when my DCs were little but I soon learned which shops and areas were good and which were best avoided. They're good places to browse and get something if it's genuinely useful to you.

Charity shops being generally associated with the positives of saving money and reusing items covers up the extent of compulsive shoping and unhealthy attitudes to stuff.

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions here - is it possible that you yourself do not enjoy charity shops? You're assuming that the lady has a dopamine issue (which is something only a doctor can diagnose) such that she needs a "hit".

Your comment about "depriving others" of something they "genuinely" may want/need is also incorrect and misplaced: why are you assuming the lady doesn't "genuinely want" the items she is buying? By your logic no one should ever buy something if there is someone else who may have greater need (good luck measuring that) who may have bought it instead. Do you police the people in supermarkets who are buying bargains and the "buy two get one free" offers to make sure that the people who genuinely need the savings are the only ones getting them??? Of course not.

If the lady was putting herself into financial difficulties from her thifting that would be a different matter - but it just sounds like it's a hobby that she enjoys. She can spend her money and time doing whatever she wishes - if the DIL doesn't like the items she's free to donate them back to the charity shops.

verityveritas · 01/07/2025 08:48

Caligirl80 · 01/07/2025 08:39

There's nothing necessarily problematic with second hand shoes. Is your concern athletes foot? If so it's easy to clean shoes and replace the insoles if you're that bothered about it. Got some really superb vintage boots from thrift stores that are amazing - and easily cleaned.

If the shoe has been worn, it can potentially affect the gait of the next owner. Shoes tent to mould to feet as they get worn in, potentially a problem for children as their bones are still soft. That’s why worn second hand shoes aren’t recommended. New second hand ones or ones with no wear on the soles, are fine to buy second hand.

slashlover · 01/07/2025 08:49

The charity shop I work in sells knickers, but only unopened and brand new (you'd be shocked at how many bags of worn kids underwear we get). We also sell kids shoes.

We don't put out stained or smelly clothes, we've had to rag full bags of gorgeous kids clothes because the smell of smoke was overwhelming, but there's every chance that one or two items are missed.

TheGoddessFrigg · 01/07/2025 08:51

I am currently doing a year of not buying new clothes- because I watched a programme on rubbish and landfill, and it made me sick to see so many disposable clothes which are probably going to take decades to break down.
Sometimes you do have to stop and wonder about our constant consumption.

And not wanting to be gross, but there's an obvious reason why shops wouldn't sell used children's underwear.....

Advocodo · 01/07/2025 08:53

This clearly an obsession!! Would really annoy me. I get my girls stuff from charity shops for the grandkids but also buy new stuff. Also getting things free on marketplace and then selling on is so stingy unless the money went to charity.