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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slightly grabby party dad?

231 replies

Aibuuuuuu · 30/06/2025 21:18

DD was invited to a party this weekend. It was at a girl’s house that she doesn’t know super well; the whole class was invited. Anyway on Saturday morning she was throwing up with a fever and the party was on Sunday. So on Saturday, I sent my apologies and said DD is unwell and can’t come - which is late but obviously no choice. I said I’d send the present (that we’d already bought and wrapped) in on Monday.

No reply of acknowledgement, but whatever, parties are hectic and I don’t know this family.

DD forgot to put the present in her bag this morning, and I didn’t notice until we got back from the school run. No matter, I thought, I’ll make sure she takes it tomorrow. Didn’t send an apology to the parents that the present wasn’t going to be there today as that felt a bit pointless since they didn’t respond to my other message.

Anyway, the dad has just WhatsApp’d me saying “Hope DD is better. X is looking forward to receiving her present :)”.

I don’t know why, but that has irritated me! Like, it’s a big grabby or they don’t believe I bought one or something?

I vented mildly to DH and he said “they just don’t believe you got a present, just send it in tomorrow”.

I know this isn’t a real problem and maybe I’m being unreasonable… but is that a kind of annoying message to send? It feels like they’re nagging me to give them stuff!

OP posts:
AlwaysHopefull89 · 30/06/2025 23:34

😅😅😅😅

gottabereallyhonest · 30/06/2025 23:38

That is very rude. I seem to spend my life having conversations where I say
"and of course I couldn't exactly ask, could I?", because you know, you just don't.

For example, me telling my husband I have met the new neighbours four doors up. They have an identical apartment to mine, albeit I have a lot of off-road parking which is all mine. I have no idea what our apartments are worth these days as it's been ages since a decent one sold. Anyway, first thing he said to me was "did they say what they paid for it", to which I replied "No, and of course I couldn't exactly ask, could I?".

It didn't stop me being desperate to know, or to not jump onto Rightmove daily for the last seven and a half weeks but there are some thing in life where I think as an adult you just know not to go there.

WonderingWanda · 30/06/2025 23:42

Honestly, even if the Dad is a grabby twat is it really worth not giving a kid a present? It's not her fault her Dad's an ill mannered tool.

OneFineDay13 · 30/06/2025 23:53

I think he has replied to your text from the Saturday and not meant to sound grabby about the present. It's the sort of clumsy response I would send tbh

Fuckitydoodah · 30/06/2025 23:54

I think the message could be taken two ways.

  1. A late reply to your message. That if it had been sent on Saturday or Sunday you'd have thought nothing more of.
  1. A way of letting you know they'd noticed their DD had come home empty handed.

I think you have to send the present. Its not worth creating future awkwardness.

abricotine · 30/06/2025 23:55

Bitzee · 30/06/2025 22:07

Maybe he’s a grabby twat but also possible that he’s replying directly to your message which tbf does mention the present and doesn’t realise how it sounds now it’s been a couple of days. Give him the benefit of the doubt and as you say the DD shouldn’t miss out.

I agree with the second. You said “DD will bring in the present” and he said “she is looking forward to receiving it”. It is a completely normal acknowledgment of the fact you said you were still gifting. I’m bemused how this is grabby. If you had said “so sorry she can’t make it” and he’d then replied enquiring after a gift, that’s grabby.

SheridansPortSalut · 30/06/2025 23:58

Rude to the point of being wierd but I wouldn't not sent the present. It's not the girls fault that her father a knob.

Shakespearandi · 30/06/2025 23:59

whocaresforyou · 30/06/2025 21:27

I would assume it was just a late reply to the original message.
dds ill she will give x present at school - hope dds better, x is looking forward to receiving present

It will be this. Just a late reply ro your message where you a, she is ill b, she will bring present on Monday. He has been chatty and responded to both your points. Parties are busy and it has been hot.a reply today is fine in my opinion. Doubt it is meant grabby.

Eeehbyeck · 30/06/2025 23:59

I said I’d send the present (that we’d already bought and wrapped) in on Monday.

i think you’ve misunderstood the message where they are saying they are aware there’s a present, as you’ve told them there is, and their kid will be grateful for it?

Hedgingmybetching · 01/07/2025 00:06

Username73638 · 30/06/2025 21:59

Tbh, I’m neurodivergent and can totally see myself sending this message meaning nothing by it (intended meaning = aww lovely, you’ll send the present anyway, look forward to receiving it) and being completely unaware that people would interpret it badly. You don’t know the dad, maybe he’s ND or just an awkward texter and was trying to be polite. I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

I was going to say, I teach alot of ND adults, this can just be how a ND person talks and doesn't intend to be rude. You said you had a present and it didn't arrive the day you said, some ND people wouldn't consider reminding you that you hadn't followed through with what you said as rude.

This is a perfect example of little unspoken niceties and manners that many ND people really struggle with. It is very difficult for some people to judge tone, they might have thought they were being helpful reminding you of that thing you forgot to do. Xx

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 01/07/2025 00:10

Newblackdress · 30/06/2025 23:18

DD probably was excited at the idea if present arriving at school and disappointed when it didn’t. The dad may have reminded you to avoid a repeat disappointment. You promised a gift, just send it tomorrow.

This is what I would assume too.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 01/07/2025 00:11

gottabereallyhonest · 30/06/2025 23:38

That is very rude. I seem to spend my life having conversations where I say
"and of course I couldn't exactly ask, could I?", because you know, you just don't.

For example, me telling my husband I have met the new neighbours four doors up. They have an identical apartment to mine, albeit I have a lot of off-road parking which is all mine. I have no idea what our apartments are worth these days as it's been ages since a decent one sold. Anyway, first thing he said to me was "did they say what they paid for it", to which I replied "No, and of course I couldn't exactly ask, could I?".

It didn't stop me being desperate to know, or to not jump onto Rightmove daily for the last seven and a half weeks but there are some thing in life where I think as an adult you just know not to go there.

Zoopla!

cherish123 · 01/07/2025 00:14

Reversetail · 30/06/2025 21:22

Misguided attempt to be chatty, I can see why it rankled a bit, but no harm intended.

Are you the dad?😆

Dery · 01/07/2025 00:16

Another here who thinks he’s just responding to your original message. You mentioned a present - he’s responding to that. I don’t think it’s grabby.

gottabereallyhonest · 01/07/2025 00:26

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 01/07/2025 00:11

Zoopla!

Show quote history

Oh I hadn't thought of that...and OMG it's there! Sold for a lot more than the EA valued mine at. They've either paid too much, or the EA I used was way out.

weirdoboelady · 01/07/2025 00:29

Yeah, I think he was just trying to be chatty, as well. I'm a mean sod and I wouldn't send a present if my kid hadn't been able to go to the party. If you hadn't mentioned sending it today, then he would have been well out of order. As it is... meh.....

HeisenbergMum · 01/07/2025 00:31

Ffs he sounds like he is just replying to your message and trying to acknowledge what you said. What's grabby about that? Very few parents will care that much about your present. He's just being friendly.

How do people go through life being so nasty and suspicious of every tiny little thing?

Drdoctor33 · 01/07/2025 00:33

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laundryhamper · 01/07/2025 00:38

What a great thread title.
I’m usually the first in line to have a go at grabby people but I really don’t think in this case he was.

I used to have a pen pal called Stuart Dick when I was ten. (Sorry Stuart if you’re reading this). His letters never said anything new - he just used to comment on everything I wrote in my own letters, in the order I’d written it.

I think this guy is like Stuart Dick. You said your daughter couldn’t come but would bring the present in to school. He commented in return that he was sorry to hear she was ill and was looking forward to the present.

That’s all.

Tiredandtiredagain · 01/07/2025 00:44

FetchezLaVache · 30/06/2025 21:19

YANBU, that is rude as fuck. Grabby twat.

First post …. Nails it!

Waterweight · 01/07/2025 00:54

NuffSaidSam · 30/06/2025 21:28

It reads like he's maybe responding to your original message because he didn't see it/meant to reply and didn't.

I'd send the present in like you said you would and think no more about it.

Maybe he meant well, maybe he's grabby. Doesn't really matter either way.

Is everybody on crack ?

This ^ I'd put money on OP having stewed over this the whole weekend & wants to find fault in the dad as she herself looks like a crap parent

Everybody can weigh in on how awful the dad is, how his child doesn't deserve gifts, how her child is at deaths door but on absolute face value OP accepted an invitation to a birthday party when she knew her child wasn't close to this girl, canceled last minute & lied about a gift coming that didnt exist then slagged this family off online & sat back while grown adults have gone to town with there opinions on this poor girl & her dad

OP - in the nicest possible way = LEAVE THIS FAMILY ALONE - you can buy 100+ gifts & not make it up to them what YOU, YOURSELF have done intentionally or by accident. YOU ARE THE PROBLEM PARENT HERE. YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO COME OUT ON TOP.

I hope for their sake the kids never overlap again birthday wise & your family is being viewed poorly right now as you've brought it on yourself not by cancelling as your child was sick but by trying to save face with a non existent present & a massive Invasion of privacy & lack of respect towards the parents when the response text didn't arrive immediately.

gottabereallyhonest · 01/07/2025 00:58

laundryhamper · 01/07/2025 00:38

What a great thread title.
I’m usually the first in line to have a go at grabby people but I really don’t think in this case he was.

I used to have a pen pal called Stuart Dick when I was ten. (Sorry Stuart if you’re reading this). His letters never said anything new - he just used to comment on everything I wrote in my own letters, in the order I’d written it.

I think this guy is like Stuart Dick. You said your daughter couldn’t come but would bring the present in to school. He commented in return that he was sorry to hear she was ill and was looking forward to the present.

That’s all.

I once had a letter from the Council like that. I had appealed a parking charge after parking in a residents only street, having been given permission to do so by the traffic warden. Long story.

Anyway, the appeal instructed me to explain exactly what had happened and why I should not pay. As someone who had spent a lot of time in a job dealing with letters of complaint in a previous life, I know full well how to get the facts across methodically and without waffle, therefore I structured my appeal accordingly.

Each paragraph carefully but succinctly outlined every step I had taken up to the point of being fined. The Council employee who responded began each of their paragraphs with "I note that you..." and "I accept that when..." and "I understand that..." etc, and then literally rewrote all I had told them for each paragraph they had written.

It ran to two pages, and all that shit just to say "having considered all aspects of your appeal carefully, we are unable to cancel the penalty notice". FFS

Waterweight · 01/07/2025 00:58

Aibuuuuuu · 30/06/2025 21:24

Honestly, I’m considering taking the card off (with her name on it) and saving it for another party! It’s a nice present!!

Show quote history

Of course you are 😉 no possibility of the gift having never been purchased or unintended to be gifted....

OP suck it up. You look like a lazy parent & your sick kid made a miraculous recovery in time for school. Hang your head next time you have to see them & get on with your own kids birthday plans

OneCosyCrow · 01/07/2025 01:00

This reply has been deleted

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STOP WITH THE AI POSTS.

AiryFairyLights · 01/07/2025 01:02

Aibuuuuuu · 30/06/2025 21:40

You’re right that the party girl shouldn’t miss out because of her dad’s message. I will send it tomorrow!

I’d put a fiver in the card and keep the present for another time x I’d say the birthday girl will be delighted and the dad will be pissed off - win win 👍

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