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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HR rejected grievance I made against Colleague

642 replies

RockNRoll25 · 30/06/2025 18:11

Looking for a bit of a hand hold. I submitted a grievance against a male colleague for a comment he made about me which was sexual in nature. HR have investigated and closed the case after speaking to him and accepting his explanation that his comment wasn’t sexual. It absolutely was an inappropriate innuendo and I’m really surprised by the response.

Has anyone been in a similar position - would you try to find another job, or ask to be moved teams?

OP posts:
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5
BusyExpert · 02/07/2025 13:00

Without more detail it is difficult to advise you. No one can tell if it was sexual innuendo and inappropriate on his part or if you are being over sensitive and seeing/ hearing what was not there. If HR have investigated they have obviously accepted his explanation so I would suggest that you are on a hiding to nothing to try and take this further and if you do life could become uncomfortable at work.
For what it is worth and I am sure that this will get a screaming response from some young women here, there is always banter in the workplace. If I ever found that it went too far I was a dab hand at making the man delivering it feel small and stupid. I discovered that no-one ever tried it twice

perhaps that is a skill you could cultivate?

dh280125 · 02/07/2025 13:42

I think HR probably made the right call, and at least he might think twice in future about what he says about you.

Isinglass20 · 02/07/2025 14:40

I can’t see any innuendo and certainly not sexual harassment. OP needs to get a grip or she’ll get be known for having a chip on her shoulder

fiddyfence · 02/07/2025 14:53

Helen483 · 02/07/2025 12:30

Don't be ridiculous. He wasn't telling us what to think, he was giving his viewpoint just like every other poster on the thread. This isn't a female only space, you know.

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ODFOD

fiddyfence · 02/07/2025 14:57

ilexgranita · 02/07/2025 12:38

Why the need to tell us he’s a man? It’s not a female only space as you quite rightly point out! Do we all need to declare our sex when offering an opinion or only when you feel your sex gives you special importance? This is my viewpoint - why is it ridiculous?

Exactly.

Mumto42005 · 02/07/2025 15:10

In answer to your original question, personally I would find a new job.

I don’t see anything wrong with what this man said, and I don’t think you can, or should, take it any further.

DontAskMeImLostToo · 02/07/2025 15:44

FrodoTheBlueWhippet · 30/06/2025 18:12

Without knowing more info how can anyone answer?

Literally - we need the tea! ☕️

LBFseBrom · 02/07/2025 22:50

Mumto42005 · 02/07/2025 15:10

In answer to your original question, personally I would find a new job.

I don’t see anything wrong with what this man said, and I don’t think you can, or should, take it any further.

I agree and for goodness sakes, when you start your new job, don't give anybody personal information about any enhancements you may have.

Isxmasoveryet · 03/07/2025 09:36

ilexgranita · 02/07/2025 09:35

Thanks! What we really needed was a man to come along and set us all straight. Keep up the good work!

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Tell me Ur young and on Mumsnet without telling me your young and on Mumsnet lol toxic feminity at its best lol

LoveLifeBeHappy · 03/07/2025 09:42

RockNRoll25 · 30/06/2025 18:20

Apologies, reading back it’s probably difficult to comment without the context.

Basically - I had a random day off and one of the things I was doing was getting my lip filler topped up. Most of my colleagues knew this. Another colleague asked me what I was doing with my day off (in ear shot of the colleague I complained about) and he said ‘she’s getting her lips pumped’.

He is the oldest member on the team and makes inappropriate jokes most days which people pass off as ‘that’s just X being X’. He knew exactly what he was doing making that comment.

"he made about me which was sexual in nature"
"It absolutely was an inappropriate innuendo"

@RockNRoll25 - I still can't seem to find this part?

I have voted YABU - Sorry, I don't see it.

ilexgranita · 03/07/2025 09:44

Isxmasoveryet · 03/07/2025 09:36

Tell me Ur young and on Mumsnet without telling me your young and on Mumsnet lol toxic feminity at its best lol

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Are you another lovely man who has chosen to gift us with your highly educated opinion? Tell us more about this toxic femininity that you speak of.

Isxmasoveryet · 03/07/2025 09:48

This reply has been deleted

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springissprung2025 · 03/07/2025 10:03

Of course it’s sexual innuendo. He knew what he was doing and hearing some of the responses on here saying otherwise makes me understand more how some men are still getting away with this sort of behaviour. Just bantz eh?

ilexgranita · 03/07/2025 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bit ageist there too. Nevermind that, let's focus on those poor, poor men - you're right they have it properly tough. They should be able to come on here and tell us woman their very special manly opinions becuase we just don't hear enough of them.
They totally need all your support and I'm sure they'll be very grateful for it too and you might even get a special man friend badge if you're lucky. Thanks for doing a great job for the men.

HughGrantsfurrysquirrel · 03/07/2025 12:04

honeylulu · 30/06/2025 18:34

I thought you were going to say he made a clearly crass comment like "blow job lips". I'm sure I've described lip filler as someone "having their lips plumped up". Pumped rather than plumped is barely any different in either sound or meaning so I can see how HR couldn't infer an innuendo.

He might have intended it in a vulgar way but the choice of words is too neutral for a third party to reach that conclusion.

It sounds like he has form though, so hopefully this has given him a short sharp shock and he will modify his behaviour.

This.

Dered · 03/07/2025 15:08

The law is changing . ENHANCED RESPONSIBILITIES mean they, the Employer, have to take all steps possible to prevent this . Maybe ask if they are aware ?

BIossomtoes · 03/07/2025 16:16

Dered · 03/07/2025 15:08

The law is changing . ENHANCED RESPONSIBILITIES mean they, the Employer, have to take all steps possible to prevent this . Maybe ask if they are aware ?

Prevent what? A comment that may or may not have been misinterpreted? It’s obvious from this thread that the interpretation is highly subjective, no amount of ENHANCED RESPONSIBILITIES is going to change that.

RampantIvy · 03/07/2025 17:04

So far we have had

  • It definitely was innuendo from mucky minded posters who always think that pumped lips are not on the face and from Scottish posters
  • It definitely wasn’t innuendo because it was clear he was talking about the lips on the OP’s face
  • It was ambiguous because it could have been a referral to either kind of lips or as no-one was there we can’t know the tone in which it was said
Negroany · 03/07/2025 17:50

Dered · 03/07/2025 15:08

The law is changing . ENHANCED RESPONSIBILITIES mean they, the Employer, have to take all steps possible to prevent this . Maybe ask if they are aware ?

Not until 2026, and it's "all reasonable steps", not "all steps possible".

TheSpoonyMintLurker · 03/07/2025 17:58

Can’t believe you actually (a) took offence at this and (b) went to HR! I’m female and would say that?? It mean having your lips made plumper on your face which is what infact you were doing (no idea why as I think it looks ridiculous but everyone is entitled to make themselves look as daft as they want)
please get a new job where you don’t have to ever interact with people

ExercicenformedeZ · 03/07/2025 18:59

RampantIvy · 03/07/2025 17:04

So far we have had

  • It definitely was innuendo from mucky minded posters who always think that pumped lips are not on the face and from Scottish posters
  • It definitely wasn’t innuendo because it was clear he was talking about the lips on the OP’s face
  • It was ambiguous because it could have been a referral to either kind of lips or as no-one was there we can’t know the tone in which it was said

The Scottish posters are being ridiculous as he said 'getting her lips pumped' not 'getting pumped'.

T1Dmama · 04/07/2025 02:21

Buy yourself a little dictaphone. Have it on record whenever around him. No one needs to know that you’re gathering evidence!

T1Dmama · 04/07/2025 02:37

I also do think as a society men get away with too much still… especially if HR are of the older generation…. Being in that generation myself I know I’ve said before ‘oh gosh he was only joking/it’s only banter’ etc….
But as times gone on and having a DD & niece, I wouldn’t tolerate men speaking to them like some men speak to women.
Im afraid I would leave a room when he walks in, or at least never be in a room alone with him. If he makes inappropriate comments again ensure you highlight it at the time, so other colleagues are noticing it… with a simple ‘Do you think that’s appropriate?!?’ Or ‘spoken like a real perv!’..maybe other people will then agree and back you.

GlitteryRainbow · 04/07/2025 09:18

Nothing surprises me about grievances anymore. I was bullied to the point of considering suicide and the majority of my grievance was not upheld. They did speak to my colleague about swearing at work. The rest was let go. I took 7 months sick leave for my mental health. I was ready for a phased return and had a meeting to discuss it. When I asked what I would be doing upon return they put me back in the same team. I declined to return and my GP and counsellor backed me. Shortly after I was made redundant. The whole thing was a violation of the 2010 equality act and ACAS agreed.

My next role I was still traumatised from what had happened so I requested reasonable adjustments. I was told that due to the nature and size of the business they didn't have to grant them and I was let go at the end of my probation period.

I really feel for you OP and my advice is if you are unhappy it will only fester find another job but take your time about it, find a job that you want not just the first you are offered so you can leave. I've been lucky to land an amazing job with an amazing boss, so things should work out for me. I hope they do for you too.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 05/07/2025 19:27

RockNRoll25 · 30/06/2025 18:20

Apologies, reading back it’s probably difficult to comment without the context.

Basically - I had a random day off and one of the things I was doing was getting my lip filler topped up. Most of my colleagues knew this. Another colleague asked me what I was doing with my day off (in ear shot of the colleague I complained about) and he said ‘she’s getting her lips pumped’.

He is the oldest member on the team and makes inappropriate jokes most days which people pass off as ‘that’s just X being X’. He knew exactly what he was doing making that comment.

It doesn't sound sexual to be honest, but you have the benefit of knowing him, but on its own, I can see why they rejected it.

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