DD's friend is therian

[Minieggy]

Sorry, it's long. My DD (9) has a friend who goes to a different school. For a while we have been trying to arrange a play date but there's always an excuse so they haven't seen each other for 4 months. They keep in touch via email.
A couple of weeks ago the friend sent a message saying "I am now therian and so is my friend from school".
My DD told me straight away even before I saw the message for myself and showed me her reply. She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.
She didn't get a reply but about a week later my DD sent another email inviting her to a party (didn't give a date) and friend replied, said that being therian was not silly and that she wouldn't be able to come to the party.
My DD has been very tearful and says she wants her friend back but the friend she knew. She's heard from another friend this girl is wearing a mask and tail to school etc. Other friend says school have told them they should be supportive.
I have explained that her reply probably made this girl feel unsupported by my DD but that I was very proud of DD for knowing her own opinion and voicing it so articulately. However, it is unlikely this girl will want to continue the friendship as she will be looking for friends who won't question her.
My DD wants me to message the mum for a playdate but I don't know what to say.
What would you do?

YANBU - Try to steer DD away from the friendship

YABU - Go through the mum to see if anything can be salvaged?

It is silly. Your DD is right. Why do we need to discourage children from common sense

Maybe I’ll get flamed but I’d use this as an opportunity to talk about mental illnesses and explain the girl is currently not very well. I would explain some people think they are animals, or other things, and we should try not to judge as we don’t know what’s going on for them to feel that way. I would also let the friendship fizzle out naturally.

She basically said that she thought it was silly and that friend was too young and that it didn't sound properly thought through especially if her schoolfriend was also therian.

How profound. My seven month old, Lenovo, got a telegram from her friend at nursery that said "identifying as therian stop meow stop." She replied to it to say "It is a truism that you and I are human beings. It is also a truism that a human being is a kind of animal: roughly a member of the primate species Homo sapiens. It would seem to follow that we are animals."

(Also, if you tell your friends their hobbies are silly, you won't have many friends left.)

A what now ? When I was young we used to prance about being hoses too. And neighing...
I'll see you in the field later 🤣

Same but our teachers certainly didn’t carry it on in class nor our parents get us a bed of hay 🤪😂

While I agree with your DD’s opinion, this is a lesson- if you want to preserve a relationship then you sometimes nod along. They are about to go through big changes as they get older and it’s not surprising that their interests will diverge.

Her friend is clearly not an animal if she’s sending emails and your dd is sadly naive to think that things wouldn’t change. IME most primary school friendships fizzle out in secondary school and this is a similar version of the reasons why. If your dd waits it out then maybe the old friend will return but it’s equally likely that something else could capture friend’s interest.

Your DD is entitled to her opinion, her friend is entitled to be offended at her judgemental reply. Sometimes we need to keep our judgements to ourselves.

Is your DD jealous of the new friend? It is hard to accept that friends move on, particularly when we can't meet up. It is sad but best to just move on.

It sounds as though the 'friend' was looking to move on from the friendship months before this and now has a reason for doing so, rather than making excuses. Support your DD to establish new friendships.

Absolutely disgusting that the school is entertaining this nonsense. It's a hygiene risk to other pupils and staff so needs banned.

What? Because the kid common sense and uses it, she must be jealous?

How about your DD send something like:

Hi XXX

I'm sorry if you were offended but my personal belief is that we are humans and not animals so, yes, I find your claim confusing and the idea of wearing a tail a bit silly. But hopefully it's okay to have different opinions!

Does being a therian stop you being friends with non-therians? I hope not as I would really like to see you.

Love XXX

The friend is allowed to be silly, and must bear the consequences of it, i.e. your ds will perhaps call her silly and not wish to be friends any more. Over time, the ex friend will realise she's actually a human being and will feel silly, and it will all be forgotten, because they are children and do silly but forgiveable things all the time. The only thing that's wrong here is that people are encouraging the friend to believe being therian is like a protected characteristic. That level of support for nonsense isn't doing her any favours in the long run. It should all be given very little attention so she can move on from it quickly.

Both things can be true, she has common sense about the therian thing but no common sense about upsetting her friend with what she said. She could also be jealous about the new friend as she seems to have pushed her out and she is also therian.

Kids and their friendships can be complicated but at the end of the day this friendship seemed to be fizzling out and the OPs daughter has offended the other girl and it is now likely to be over. No point agonising about it, surely she can make friends at school.

The littler tray trope is discredited, as pps have said. But even if a "therian" student asked for one, "therianism" is not a protected characteristic (funnily enough) and so every school would absolutely have the option to say no.

Eh??

You really shouldn't worry about the kid being offended. It's the best way for the friend to learn the lesson very quickly that she is, in fact, being silly. THere's no rule against offending people, the friend does not have the right to have her feelings protected no matter how silly she is. Quite the opposite - sensible adults owe it to her to point out the truth. Just don't make a big deal of it - less said soonest mended.

You are right OP. What many here are advocating is self censorship in the guise of kindness or getting along with the herd. Your daughter however will also have to deal with consequences of critical thinking and free expression - she will not be very popular but she will be her own woman.

@Diarygirlqueen

Link to article about this school in NI please

You should definitely steer your daughter away from this friendship. But she also does need to understand that what she wrote was pretty blunt and rude and the natural consequences have followed.

This is my thinking too... far too many people are getting caught up in fear mongering around this and that in my mind actually encourages some kids to double down instead of explore identity without judgement making it easier for them to change their minds.

I also think your dd was unkind to her friend in how she spoke to her and in her reaction and this is a life lesson in how to handle it when our friends are different to us or into things we don't have interest in ourselves. There are ways to disagree that mean standing your ground and being honest, while still being respectful and maintaining a healthy friendship and I'd be using this as an opportunity to teach your dd about how to do that.

I would ring the mum and explain you're aware your dd was harsh with her dd on the phone and that you've spoken to her about it and she'd love to have her dd over for a playdate and see what she says. Then if it happens you debrief it with your child and explain to her beforehand that her friend is going through a phase and while yes it probably is a bit silly, it's best to ignore it and just treat her as normal. If the friend wants her to join in then you equip her with some things she can say to divert onto something else or she comes to get you if she's unsure how to handle it.

These are 9 year olds. I think people are attaching more to this than there really needs to be.

FFS 🤦🏻‍♀️

It isn't true, it's an urban myth

I am deeply concerned at the lack of critical thinking across this thread. How gullible have we all become...

I thought exactly the same thing! :-D Also would love to know the name of this mystery school that is allowing masks & pony tails.

If any school allows a child to attend dressed as an animal aka therian, the world has gone mad.