To want to reschedule my friend tomorrow

[gollyimholly]

Due to see a friend for dinner tomorrow. I'm 4 months pregnant and not feeling great.

Dinner is in central London and it's apparently 35°C tomorrow. It would mean roughly an hour's journey using buses and the tube (not air conditioned) during rush hour - so could get warmer than 35°C underground. I'm feeling apprehensive as I'm already uncomfortable - and that's me being indoors with the fan on when it's 10° cooler.

I don't use the tube often but worried it could break down and then what if I'm stuck in the heat..

I see this friend maybe a couple of times a year. We used to see each other maybe once a month or every couple of months but it has drastically reduced since having a baby a couple of years ago. We organised it on Wednesday last week and I wasn't paying attention to what the weather might be like.

Do I sound like I'm being precious? AIBU to ask to reschedule?

I would totally understand this if I was your friend in fact I’d be asking if you wanted to reschedule. I would not make a pregnant friend come into central London in that heat.

I am not flaky, but I did cancel a few things when I was pregnant because I unexpectedly wasn't well enough. You don't know how you're going to be when you're pregnant in all scenarios til you're there.

35°C is also really warm and it's been very humid here. It's not the best conditions to be out in when you're in great health, never mind just out of the first trimester. My sickness also lasted until six months. I would not have travelled at four months in this heat.

@gollyimholly do what's best for you at the moment but be honest with your friend about it and book in a new meet up at the same time. She may be relieved, she may be disappointed but as long as she knows you're being honest with her and it's entirely healthy related and nothing to do with her, she should understand.

I can understand why you want to cancel - I wouldn't want to be on the tube in this heat? Can you use an alternate route? What about an uber?

Gosh people are harsh!! If she’s a good friend and a decent person she will completely understand OP!! Don’t go just because you feel guilty. Definitely cancel and don’t feel bad about it.

YANBU. I was living in London for my first pregnancy and would have hit the 4 month mark during the 2012 Olympics. I remember it was sweltering hot and even though I was largely over the morning sickness stage I still felt extremely ill any time I had to go on the tube. If you can avoid it, then definitely do. My dh wound up paying a fortune in taxis that month at he was so worried I was going to faint.

Yes, but there is time and time. Your comment is an over generalisation. Boundaries are important so people respect you and you respect you.

It does sound like you're being a bit precious. I don't really mean that unkindly because I know you might genuinely feel unwell etc but everyone is suffering in this heat, not just you. I hate it when people are flaky and use their kids or being pregnant as the excuse. It's so annoying, and whether you mean it to or not sends the message that you think your life is more important than hers.

If you don't want to go, fine - but own that. YOU don't want to go. Being pregnant is by the by really, it's not a get out of anything you want card. And btw, she'll see through any lie you tell so I wouldn't bother - just tell her the truth and be prepared for her reaction. And she'd be right to be annoyed, you've left it really late.

The tube is hotter than hell in a heatwave and I actually think its not particularly safe. Lots of companies tell pregnant employees not to come in when there's a heatwave or to come in late and leave early to avoid rush hour. I don't think it's being flaky to want to avoid an unnecessary risk or at best extreme discomfort

Please ignore this one completely OP. Any decent person knows that pregnancy and having small children are factors in what we can and can’t do.

@gollyimholly

this is really worrying Op, it’s really important for you and your mental health that you do do stuff just for yourself without your child.

I'd be interested to know if the people saying you should go and stop being flakey have been on the tube in a heatwave whilst pregnant? It can be 10degC warmer than above ground. Surely the safety of your baby is more important than being called flakey

Your life is more important than your friends’. You prioritise yourself. If you don’t, I feel bad for you. You’re your number 1. If you do it right, it means you can be a better friend as you’re not a wet blanket and have boundaries.

Do you really have to go on the tube?

No possible route using trains and buses?

Your life does seem to have shrunk since you became a parent and that can be a spiral, the more you avoid it the less you go out.

Of course they affect what we can do. But people use them as an excuse for everything and don't want any accountability. They expect the world to accommodate that like it's some superior status.

Being pregnant or having a kid doesn't excuse thoughtless, flaky behaviour. You're entitled to behave any way you want but accept that you've chosen that, no other reason.

Just cancel OP, no point if you are dreading the heat & the travel etc. surely your friend will understand.

Just saw that she is working already in central London. And you are coming in especially? Postpone to a cooler day. If you were my flaky friend, I would be absolutely fine with that. And you would still be my friend!

Yes completely agree with this! People use being pregnant or having small kids far too often as an excuse both socially and at work. Obviously emergencies happen but it used to annoy me when I was single and friends cancelled last minute using kids as an excuse. For them maybe no big deal as they would spend their Saturday night in with husband and kids but a Saturday night in alone wasn’t my idea of fun and I would have made other plans if I’d known they wouldn’t show up. I’m really conscious not to do this myself now that I have kids.

Jesus, you have a get out of jail free card for the next few weeks - I'd use it!!!

Shame on the people pressuring you to go

Wow. I'm a born and bred Londoner and used the tube pretty much everyday up until DD was born. I would say the tubes I used broke down on average once a month (central line, circle and district lines). I would take maybe 5 trains a day (getting to work and back and usually going out after work. And more on the weekends if I had plans). AFAIK, central line doesn't have air con. That's phenomenal you've never experienced a tube breaking down. I wish I had your luck!

its way to hot to be on the tube if you don’t have to be

So many people are saying ‘it’s just a hot day’. 35c is very hot ESPECIALLY with high humidity. Sure, other countries routinely deal with these temperatures, but they have the infrastructure and culture to accommodate it. The UK doesn’t. We’re all going to have to change the way we behave as this kind of weather becomes more common. Going outside in high temperatures when you know you’ll feel unwell is deeply misguided at best.

Please cancel. It's an extremely hot day. And if you turn up and feel ill and nauseaus, neither of you can have a good time anyway. Your friend is not going into London just to meet you, she is there already for work. An honest email and offering 3 new dates to meet in the very near future is completely non flakey behaviour.
Ignore some of the bizarre 'flakey' comments. It's completely mentally and emotionally healthy to reassess a situation with regard to your health and for a friend to completely support that decision. This is a one off not a repeat situation.

To be honest, if my friend judged me for rescheduling under these circumstances, I’d wonder whether we were that close. Equally, if a friend messaged me cancelling last minute, especially if it’s to do with medical stuff (which pregnancy is!), I wouldn’t think twice about rearranging. I love my friends and I would never want them to feel they had to see me. I would always give them the benefit of the doubt and reschedule for as soon as possible.

I understand it’s a bit different if someone lets you down all the time or is hard to pin down. I can see why you might find this more difficult and feel less valued as a friend. But generally speaking, I think empathy and kindness are the way to go. IF you’re pregnant, your body needs to be looked after. And that is impossible on the tube during a heatwave. And as someone who has fainted on the tube, it is grim. You’re feeling awful, far from home and no one really helps.

Ask to rearrange for Wednesday or another day in the next week. Send her some flowers/cookies or something for understanding.

Instead of rescheduling, could you find a venue nearer yours or have her over?

You can just say you've been a bit shaky and sick in the heat but really want to see her, then suggest something other than cancelling.

I’ve rearranged everything I had on today due to the weather. I did it last week though as I feel like cancelling on the day is shitty as it means other people then end up with no plans when they could have made alternative arrangements and I hate it being done to me.

I would be annoyed at the short notice but I would equally understand if I was your friend.