To want to reschedule my friend tomorrow

[gollyimholly]

Due to see a friend for dinner tomorrow. I'm 4 months pregnant and not feeling great.

Dinner is in central London and it's apparently 35°C tomorrow. It would mean roughly an hour's journey using buses and the tube (not air conditioned) during rush hour - so could get warmer than 35°C underground. I'm feeling apprehensive as I'm already uncomfortable - and that's me being indoors with the fan on when it's 10° cooler.

I don't use the tube often but worried it could break down and then what if I'm stuck in the heat..

I see this friend maybe a couple of times a year. We used to see each other maybe once a month or every couple of months but it has drastically reduced since having a baby a couple of years ago. We organised it on Wednesday last week and I wasn't paying attention to what the weather might be like.

Do I sound like I'm being precious? AIBU to ask to reschedule?

Hey op I think it’s reasonable to postpone in this weather. But I’d urge you to think really hard about the whole not prioritising friends thing. Because you won’t always have babies, and life will throw you curve balls, and you will need friends. Plus, it’s so so important not to completely lose sight of you in the middle of the maelstrom of small kids.

Hope you’ve managed some decent sleep and that your friend is understanding

I'm not sure everyone replying knows what London transport is like in a heatwave. I don't think it would be sensible or safe to go. I've been travelling around London over the last few hot weeks and I've had so many issues with the transport - there seems to be more when it's hot. It's been physically really hard, even though I'm not pregnant!

I think it is fair enough that you cancel. It doesn't sound as though you are well enough at the moment. Hoping you have let your friend know so she can make other plans. She might well want to stay at home herself in view of the hot days etc.

YANBU.

I almost blacked out twice during my first pregnancy, second incident was in a hot, stuffy, busy shop. Nowhere near in heat like today.

Your body is already working harder whilst pregnant. I would understand if I was your friend.

But that’s the point. We are not used to it. People who live in hot countries know how to deal with it and their culture factors the heat into social arrangements. For example, In many hot countries there used to be a culture of siesta when the sun was at its height. People in very hot countries don’t go gallivanting around in the heat if they don’t have to. Meeting a friend is not a life or death event.

I think you should offer another date if you were to reschedule. I'm have ASD and sometimes struggle with last minute cancellations but I'm generally fine if another date is offered. This is because I feel the other person genuinely wants to meet rather than they just can't be bothered.

I wouldn't consider her a true friend if she sees you as flakey for choosing not to completely self-sacrifice for the sake of a catch-up!

Make friends with people you can tell your concerns to right away and don't need to ask strangers on the internet, some of whom also sound like the kind of people I'd steer clear of nowadays!

Lots of people in this thread disagree with you, me included.

@gollyimholly Look after yourself, a fainting pregnant woman in busy central London is not good. And perfectly avoidable

Not at all. Tell her you suffer from heat exhaustion and are feeling particularly dizzy, nauseous, and exhausted with your pregnancy. Ask yourself what is more important your friendship or the health of you and your baby. If she is a good friend worth keeping she will understand if you tell her the truth and maybe suggest another meeting when it is cooler when you could perhaps treat her to make up for this one occasion. Take care and be cool!

Boundaries. So important. When you get to my age close friends you had when you were young now don't even recognise you in the street or are so self absorbed they don't give a s*. Be yourself, do you, and enjoy the moment is what i say. New people will come along and better ones too as you mature. Fact.

Just be direct and say you are pregnant and the heat is making you feel unwell - would she mind meeting closer to you? And suggest somewhere with good transport links from wherever she is. You can always uber there, if it’s quite close.

Try and avoid cancelling completely - there are plenty of ways to do it as PPs have suggested - but friendships do die that way.

Well they won’t if you don’t make time for them!

It certainly is baffling when people completely disregard the main subject of the thread like you have done from the start. 😂 an ‘ooops I forgot this bit’ doesn’t let you off the hook for the mean posts telling the OP she is flaky for trying to stay healthy in this heat.

I agree with this. It’s not flaky to know your own limits. Unless you’ve rescheduled/cancelled a lot of times recently I don’t think it will affect the friendship. Everyone knows that life happens.

Defo suggest a new date straight away though.

It really will depend on if you offer to reschedule. I’ve recently given up on a friend after the third cancellation. First one family had Covid. No problem. That happens. Second one they forgot about one of the kids sport events so they’d double booked. They were very apologetic. Ok. Sure. Not ideal but can’t change it. Third time just last week, cancelled due to the heat. No offer of another date. So quite honestly I’m done.

So if you’re not normally a flakey person who cancels a friend should understand and you can see them again soon. But if you can’t be bothered rescheduling it’s also not a problem, but just be honest with your friend and let them make time for better friends in the future. I would rather a friend just told me they can’t really be arsed to see me. That way I can go and find better friends.

Having been pregnant twice during a heatwave (once heavily, once early days) there's no way I'd do it if I was feeling unwell/ it would make me unwell. It's not flaky to cancel because you're looking after your health. I'd she's actually a friend she'd understand.

Flaky would be 'I can't be arsed' or 'I've got a better offer' not 'I'm feeling really unwell with the heat'

Could you meet somewhere else?

To answer your question OP, yes you do sound like you’re being precious and if I was in your friend’s shoes I’d be a bit annoyed at you cancelling last minute with this excuse especially if you rarely meet up since having a baby. Don’t get me wrong, the tube is hell in hot weather (or just hell generally really, especially when you’re pregnant) but I took it every single day with both my pregnancies, including with terrible morning sickness for several months in the middle of summer, and survived. You’re very unlikely to faint if you bring water and ask for a seat. I do think people are becoming more and more flakey in general and reluctant to cope with basic discomforts that are part of life, not helped at all by WFH culture. It’s just a hot day ffs, totally normal temperature for half the year or more in much of the world. Some of the responses on this thread are so dramatic.

She did say though that she also can’t be arsed generally anymore with seeing friends. So sometimes it’s a case of “any excuse” not to bother in that situation. I’m not saying that is the case here, but it might be adding to it.

I would only travel to London in that heat for an absolute emergency, pregnant or not pregnant!
Even if I was meeting a friend locally and she said, sorry its just too hot to be out today, I'd understand. Add in pregnant and London tubes, I'd have been cancelling for you!!

I have plenty of friends but don't cope in heat. I would cancel if she's going to be working in London any time soon so you can rearrange.

How far apart do you live?

It's understandable that friends take a bit of a back seat when you have young children.
But, one day they won't be young any more and you'll look around and find that all your friends have moved on.
the fact I'm organising something is, specifically for me, an indication that I still care about this friendship
This may be the case from your perspective, but your friend probably won't particularly see it like that. She'll just see it as the two of you meeting up as you did pre-baby. Not a sign that you still value the friendship.

Is there an alternative place you can meet that doesn't involve the Tube (since that seems to be your main concern?) If you do cancel, I'd suggest agreeing an alternative date straight away (and not cancelling that, barring absolute emergency).

I once fainted while pregnant during a heatwave on a train. I would explain to your friend that the heat is making you feel unwell due to the pregnancy. Would she mind if you delayed it to another cooler date. I'm sure she'd say okay!

She'd possibly be happy to have you cancel after a long hot day working in an office if there's no aircon.

In which case she could have cancelled days ago. What a ridiculous lie.

Just tell the truth. Rescheduling is quite reasonable. I hope you can get to see your friend soon.