To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

[namechangesafe]

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

@Imisscoffee2021its nothing to do with him getting wet as he has no problem pouring water over his head during bath time a lot (this also annoys me but I don’t say anything as I realise it isn’t harmful just unnecessary for a three month old ImO who is blinking because of the water).

You need a little tough love: this is not the time to indulge in self-centred emotions of guilt or self-pity.
Instead focus on stepping up now. Call woman's aid. Get yourself a spot in a shelter. Don't give your emotions too much breathing space and instead focus on acting for your child.

Have you told your therapist about his dangerous handling of baby?

My young niece had a dislocation my sister lifted her by her arms when young. She was beside her self. She was a bit older though. But babies have softer bones so no way would I do that.

Dear @namechangesafe

Your partner sounds very tricky. Most mums of new borns are hyper vigilant/ over protective especially for the first as everything is geared for their survival and as a mother you’re learning. Most fathers in the early stages seem to follow the mother’s wishes.

Can you try looking at baby manuals together and work out some key ways you’re planning to do stuff? Are you going to be baby led or try and have a routine? How long are you planning to feed? What method for weaning? Try and discuss together?? Then look at ways to hold them and how neck should be supported etc.. say something like “we should watch this”. See if it clicks when he’s reading it.
Dish cloth isn’t great … maybe have more baby muslins around near to hand everywhere - the next time just say “use this”
If you try the strategy of discussing and discovering together it may work.
either way you have to stop him immediately from picking up the baby in this way x

Tbh this would be a point of no return for me.
You cannot cleand floor and dishes and baby with the same piece of clothes.
What is next? Toilet wipe - quick dish wash - baby face?

I'd rather contemplate going over infidelity than over this nasty.

I’d attempt to talk to your partner at a moment when you’re both getting along and things are calm. You can take responsibility for any behaviour he has felt was unfair, for instance you can say you know you may have come across as overly critical as a result of your anxiety, and apologise and empathise, saying you’re sorry if that was hard for him. Tell him you’ve identified an action plan though of working with your therapist and health visitor to help you gain a better understanding of when your concerns are invalid by sharing examples with them. Then following seeing them you can apologise for any unfounded criticisms that have occurred, but highlight that the health visitor has warned about his handling being dangerous (which they will when you speak to them). That would probably be a good time to highlight you’re both learning, will make mistakes etc, especially if he’s sensitive to criticism. This approach will hopefully show him you’re willing to clean up your side of the fence but that he needs to be open to learning and growing as a parent as well. He might not initially take the conversation well but could then adjust his approach and stop all
dangerous handling, which would be a positive indicator he can change, even if he’s being childish about admitting wrongdoing. If he is still handling your baby unsafely though then sadly I think he’s very unlikely to change.

OP, why are you focusing on the dish cloth instead of the physical abuse, being lifted by the arms. Is it because it's too horrific to acknowledge? It is horrific. The sooner you acknowledge this the better. You need to leave this abuser. Protect your baby.

@PeapodMcgeenot yet we have a session this week.

I am starting to keep a journal as my realities are often distorted by DH and so I keep it written down now

You really need to get out. He is abusive to both you and your baby. I hope you find the strength to go he is out of order blaming you for any marital issues.

You can win by keeping a steady supply of muslin cloths in every room/pocket.

ETA I would not pick a baby up by the arms. How is he even thinking it's a better grip than under the arms?

It sounds like your living in a fug of confusion of thinking you can reason with someone who is being unreasonable, on top of postpartum hormones. I hope you can take on board what posters are saying and stop trying to compromise on what should be red lines. You obviously care deeply about your baby, let that drive all your decisions, not worries about your marriage.

You need to protect your baby from this man. Dangling them from hands could seriously injure them. He’s only 3 months old! Awful.

I rather suspect this man knows full well what he should and shouldn't be doing to baby, but chooses to demonstrate recklessness in order to play power games with OP's head. I know the profile and it never ends well. He's actually dangerous and you're beyond sorting it out with a chat.

YABU, it's not a regular thing, he just did it without thinking it through, it's fine

YANBU. The arms thing is really dangerous and could lead to dislocation and the cloth thing is unsanitary at best and dangerous at worst if there is bleach or other cleaning product on the cloth.

Swinging or lifting a child by their arms can cause a painful injury called nursemaid's elbow, or radial head subluxation. This occurs when the ligaments around the radial head (a bone in the elbow) are stretched or torn, causing the elbow joint to partially dislocate. It's more common in young children whose ligaments are less developed. Instead of lifting or swinging by the arms, support the child's weight from under the armpits or use a different lifting technique.

@Lilactimesthank you. He calls videos I send patronising. He will only trust his own logic.

he would never do a parenting class, probably say it’s patronising.

we tried a routine but it’s slipping as sleep deprivation is really affecting mornings for me.

tried discovering together it doesn’t work. I said we should work as a team but he won’t have it.

he said for example today to me, the way I’m washing the bottles isn’t right because when I leave the bottle for more then a few minutes the milk dries on it so I need to wash it more vigorously. I completely accepted this, because it isn’t about my ego but what’s best, he then continued to say because this is an ACTUAL safety issue that could poison him.

the last part pissed me off as in other words he was saying I know the real problems and this is a real problem.

thing is I was grateful to him for pointing this out, it was the last part that just made me think this is constant against rather than with each other.

Yeah it’s gross and I also wouldn’t use a floor cloth as a kitchen side cloth either.

We have separate cloths for floors and sides, and when the children were babies we always had muslins close to hand. If we didn’t then I would have used a clean piece of kitchen towel. When they were older babies/toddlers (probably even nursery age) I had flannels in the kitchen just for wiping their hands and faces!

This. OP, this man is more dangerous than you think. I hadn't properly read the thread when I first responded.
This is a matter of you needing to put your doubts aside and tomorrow, pick up the phone to women's aid. See if you can get a non molestation order and move yourself out asap, including to a temporary shelter if required.

Are you able to get some research /official guidance to show him re lifting babies safely? And also re: the fact that their immune systems are not yet developed, so using something you just cleaned the floor with on their face / utensils they will eat with etc (for weaning stage) is unsafe? This is not OK. If it were a clean cloth, that had been used to clean the floor, then boil washed, I wouldn’t like it but would accept it as safe - just gross. I have separately cloths for each that are colour coded!

@FishChipsAndVinegarPleasei try to and often they get moved or sometimes even I put in the wash and forget to replenish or today they are most of them being dried. Mostly I do have in every room though but equally I’m not perfect and can’t remember to have stock of everything everywhere all the time.

like why couldn’t he have used kitchen roll which was closer than the dish cloth

He's lifting your tiny baby in a very unsafe way & you are too worried about losing him, ti say anything to him. He's 'doing thing his way' despite them being unsafe, unhygienic & wont listen to you. Hes criticising you & making out it's you that has the problem.

I think the dishcloth thing is a bit weird but I wouldn’t get upset about it. But the arms thing you really need to make him understand that it’s dangerous. Could you just calmly show him advice around this? Explain what could happen? (In a non accusatory way)

You do need to be on the same page we the majority of things if you want to be a successful team

I wouldn’t worry too much about the dishcloth but lifting your son by the hands is not okay. I’m an A/E nurse and have seen babies and young children with dislocated elbows because of this.