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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/07/2025 14:20

Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?

anytipswelcome · 01/07/2025 14:21

Would you be open to calling your health visitor OP and asking them to come and visit you as you want some advice? You don’t need to be more specific than that and you can just tell your husband it’s a routine appt everyone has. Organise it for when he will be out and open up to her - do you feel like that’s something you can do? I think it would really help and be in your baby’s best interests too.

LittleLilac · 01/07/2025 14:31

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

I’ve read all your posts.

He’s dangled your newborn by the arms
Touched their soft spot repeatedly and laughed
Left a newborn alone screaming in a dark room so much they were sick while he messed around with a coffee machine
Feeds them laying down when they clearly have a reflux issue with all your mention of sick and spit up
Refused to put a blanket on them when outside in the cold
Repeatedly rung a wet cloth over them, drenching them and causing them to blink water
Used a dirty dishcloth on their face that you use to clean dishes and wipe the floors when you live with pets

This is not learning to parent, it is neglect and child abuse. No one should have to be told not to do any of these things, it should be basic parent instinct. Wake up and help your child. These are all the things he does infront of you. What is he doing to them when you are not there. Please tell someone, your mother, the HV, a GP. Do not leave your poor baby with this man. You are their mother, your instincts are telling you this is all wrong and that is why you are making all these posts. Do something about it and protect your baby

Lolapusht · 01/07/2025 14:57

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

Great news!

As he seems to be listening to what you say, why not mention everything else? Get him to agree to not pouring water over his face in the bath, not leaving him to cry in the dark, not feeding him lying down, agreeing to let your DC play football if they want to, not sending DC to nursery, not using the dish cloth to wipe DC’s face.

How have things been since you spoke to him?

croydon15 · 01/07/2025 15:36

OP you say that he's highly intelligent but he obviously has no common sense,.anyone would know that you don't carry a baby by his hands/arms, you are supposed to support a little baby's head neither would you feed him lay down,.just common sense, poor baby being abused in such ways by a supposed caring intelligent man.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/07/2025 15:48

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

and the other things?

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 16:22

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

OMG!! Your baby is 3 months old! If I saw this I'd report him!

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 16:49

I wonder if this is a cultural thing?

Commonsense22 · 01/07/2025 17:08

Costacoffeeplease · 01/07/2025 14:20

Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?

To be fair swinging babies by the arms by dads is/was a bit of a tradition in certain parts of the world until recently. I think the youtube outrage killed it but it was common practice when I lived in a certain place about 10 years ago.

This is a mild version.

If the OP's DH originates from one of those regions it might well come as a surprise.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/9NF1AVgjoB0?feature=shared

ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/07/2025 17:27

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

Are you reading our posts?! You’ve tackled that one issue. Grand. What about everything else?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 01/07/2025 17:30

It’s with you on both issues.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 01/07/2025 17:34

You should know that in cases like this the mother is taken to court, along with the abusive father. The mother is culpable for not speaking up, seeking professional help, or keeping baby away from abusive father. The court will be interested in hearing what mum did to raise the alarm over concerns she was having.

One recent example:

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/jul/01/parents-of-baby-found-with-catastrophic-injuries-went-for-cigarette-as-medics-tried-to-save-him-court-hears?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

If you have even a minor concern, you need to raise it (with GP / health visitor / taking the baby to a&e).

Parents of baby found with ‘catastrophic injuries’ went for cigarette as medics tried to save him, court hears

Two-week-old Brendon suffered injuries akin to falling from a high building while at special care baby unit with his parents, Bristol court told

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/jul/01/parents-of-baby-found-with-catastrophic-injuries-went-for-cigarette-as-medics-tried-to-save-him-court-hears?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

MushMonster · 01/07/2025 17:37

Right OP, so was this cloth unused and from the bleached pile or had you washed the dishes with it?
If bleached, though I would still not do it, it really is not much of a deal and I would not scorn DH.
If used, that is a germ risk and I would scorn DH. Plus put some muslim cloths in each room of the house for baby, or just put cloth bibs on baby while they are so little, as I did for mine. I had tonnes of those.

Also, as a note, I do not have faith enough on bleach and any other washing protocol to use the same cloths on floors and counters/ dishes.

MushMonster · 01/07/2025 17:39

And yes, at 3 months old, forget about handling them by the arms.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 01/07/2025 18:06

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 08:28

@Kimwestonhelplessim not defending him AT all but outside of the things ive mentioned he does have a good bond with DC and DC alway smiles with him - he apart the things im mentioning is good with him. I don’t worry he’s going to intentionally do him harm. It’s that his arrogance cannot deal with any criticism from anyone or even pointing something out could be done a better way often goes wrong. I have to really think now about how I say things and even if it’s framed nicely it can be ridiculed or dismissed. I’m sure some of my concerns at times are silly but so what? I just had a baby ffs

It’s like talking to a brick wall.

DiaryofaProvincialLady · 01/07/2025 19:57

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

I've read all your posts. I've been thinking about your poor abused baby and wondering what your husband does to him when you're not around.

His response to your recent chat about the arms was just lip service.

He is playing along, pretending it was because he didn't know better.

All you have done is put him on his guard - made him realise he needs to try harder and be more devious and sly to find "innocent" ways to abuse your baby so that he won't get into trouble if he harmed your baby enough that it need medical intervention by professionals. And that would spoil his fun because is enjoying this power trip - like pulling legs off a spider or kicking a puppy. He doesn't want marks, bruises and injuries, he just wants to continue be insidiously, persistently cruel to your baby unfettered.

Barnbrack · 01/07/2025 20:02

namechangesafe · 01/07/2025 14:15

Please can recent posters read my last post.

i have told him lifting by the arms is dangerous, he has said he will not do it again and was genuine about it.

He admitted he was not aware it could case dislocations and if that’s the case he needs to be careful.

And the touching soft spots, cleaning with germy towels, leaving to dry, pouring water on the babies face etc etc? Is he stopping that abuse?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/07/2025 20:05

Barnbrack · 01/07/2025 20:02

And the touching soft spots, cleaning with germy towels, leaving to dry, pouring water on the babies face etc etc? Is he stopping that abuse?

Letting the baby get cold.
Feeding him on his back while lying in his cot.
And possibly other things which the OP hasn't mentioned.

Emonade · 01/07/2025 20:48

LittleLilac · 01/07/2025 14:31

I’ve read all your posts.

He’s dangled your newborn by the arms
Touched their soft spot repeatedly and laughed
Left a newborn alone screaming in a dark room so much they were sick while he messed around with a coffee machine
Feeds them laying down when they clearly have a reflux issue with all your mention of sick and spit up
Refused to put a blanket on them when outside in the cold
Repeatedly rung a wet cloth over them, drenching them and causing them to blink water
Used a dirty dishcloth on their face that you use to clean dishes and wipe the floors when you live with pets

This is not learning to parent, it is neglect and child abuse. No one should have to be told not to do any of these things, it should be basic parent instinct. Wake up and help your child. These are all the things he does infront of you. What is he doing to them when you are not there. Please tell someone, your mother, the HV, a GP. Do not leave your poor baby with this man. You are their mother, your instincts are telling you this is all wrong and that is why you are making all these posts. Do something about it and protect your baby

This!!!!

2025ismybestyear · 01/07/2025 21:52

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 16:49

I wonder if this is a cultural thing?

WTF. What culture supports child abuse? 🙄

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 22:12

Some cultures don't see it as child abuse clearly 🙄
Commonsense22 · Today 17:08

Costacoffeeplease · Today 14:20
Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?
To be fair swinging babies by the arms by dads is/was a bit of a tradition in certain parts of the world until recently. I think the youtube outrage killed it but it was common practice when I lived in a certain place about 10 years ago.
This is a mild version.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/9NF1AVgjoB0?feature=shared

Barnbrack · 01/07/2025 22:15

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 22:12

Some cultures don't see it as child abuse clearly 🙄
Commonsense22 · Today 17:08

Costacoffeeplease · Today 14:20
Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?
To be fair swinging babies by the arms by dads is/was a bit of a tradition in certain parts of the world until recently. I think the youtube outrage killed it but it was common practice when I lived in a certain place about 10 years ago.
This is a mild version.

Those babies are not newborn's, you can see the difference right?

Hulabalu · 01/07/2025 22:16

Barnbrack · 01/07/2025 22:15

Those babies are not newborn's, you can see the difference right?

Still makes me feel sick , poor babies

Barnbrack · 01/07/2025 22:17

Hulabalu · 01/07/2025 22:16

Still makes me feel sick , poor babies

Honestly by the time my eldest was 8 months old he was walking, literally running round by 10 months old and LOVED being chucked about but that's very different to deliberately mishandling a newborn

2025ismybestyear · 01/07/2025 22:20

AJLOAL · 01/07/2025 22:12

Some cultures don't see it as child abuse clearly 🙄
Commonsense22 · Today 17:08

Costacoffeeplease · Today 14:20
Why does he need to be told that lifting a baby by its hands/arms could cause serious problems? Surely that’s obvious to anyone without learning difficulties?
To be fair swinging babies by the arms by dads is/was a bit of a tradition in certain parts of the world until recently. I think the youtube outrage killed it but it was common practice when I lived in a certain place about 10 years ago.
This is a mild version.

This man is abusing his baby. You asked if his actions were cultural, ergo...

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