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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

433 replies

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:16

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 30/06/2025 14:22

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 12:51

For some reason our health visitor doesn’t come anymore @Y2ker

There could be a drop in clinic you can attend. My baby is the same age as yours and that’s how I see my HV now, every 4 weeks.

Send her a text if you’re unsure of the set up for your local area.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 15:00

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 12:51

For some reason our health visitor doesn’t come anymore @Y2ker

You can phone them.
Or you can attend their clinics.

Or go to your GP.

BUT GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND PROTECT YOUR BABY.

(Wild stab in the dark here, but does everything centre around DH?)

YES.

This is the OP of the thread about putting her 3 month old baby into nursery - the overwhelming advice on that was for her to get a nanny. The OP said she couldn't, because her husband didn't want another person in the house.

We can see exactly why now.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/06/2025 15:21

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 08:28

@Kimwestonhelplessim not defending him AT all but outside of the things ive mentioned he does have a good bond with DC and DC alway smiles with him - he apart the things im mentioning is good with him. I don’t worry he’s going to intentionally do him harm. It’s that his arrogance cannot deal with any criticism from anyone or even pointing something out could be done a better way often goes wrong. I have to really think now about how I say things and even if it’s framed nicely it can be ridiculed or dismissed. I’m sure some of my concerns at times are silly but so what? I just had a baby ffs

Picking him up by the arms is intentionally harming him and you are absolutely defending him and making up excuses for him.

You said he isn't stupid so he's doing it on purpose. What are you going to do about it?

Tangerinenets · 30/06/2025 15:27

The dishcloth is disgusting but lifting up by the arms is horrifying!

2025ismybestyear · 30/06/2025 17:53

WakeMeFriday · 29/06/2025 21:52

@2025ismybestyear sorry to hear about your toddler. Can I ask if it was just once they were held by their hands which lead to the fracture?
Asking as I have some family members who need telling off for this.

Sorry for the delay. She was sat on the floor and he picked her up by her hands in temper. Her shoulder was pulled out. I cringe when I see people swing in their child between them. So so risky.

2025ismybestyear · 30/06/2025 18:05

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 22:14

@Imisscoffee2021its nothing to do with him getting wet as he has no problem pouring water over his head during bath time a lot (this also annoys me but I don’t say anything as I realise it isn’t harmful just unnecessary for a three month old ImO who is blinking because of the water).

So he's trying to drown him as well, or likes making him blink in discomfort. Bloody hell.

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 18:06

@2025ismybestyearhe’s not trying to drown him I never claimed that. He uses the flannel and squeezes it above his head, I’ve seen this maybe four or five times happen.

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 30/06/2025 18:08

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 18:06

@2025ismybestyearhe’s not trying to drown him I never claimed that. He uses the flannel and squeezes it above his head, I’ve seen this maybe four or five times happen.

…and have you said ‘stop it. He doesn’t like it…” or something similar?

What was his response?

What did he do that your mum was concerned about?

Namechangean · 30/06/2025 18:20

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 18:06

@2025ismybestyearhe’s not trying to drown him I never claimed that. He uses the flannel and squeezes it above his head, I’ve seen this maybe four or five times happen.

I imagine that if everything you’re saying is true, that you’re feeling a level of cognitive dissonance right now. You’re being told that your gut feelings about his actions are correct and that he’s abusive to you and your son, while also thinking we don’t know him, he’s not an abuser, he doesn’t mean any harm.

I just plead with you to talk to someone like your mum who does know him and can maybe talk some sense in to you. It sounds like he’s done a number on you and I think everyone’s concern is legitimate, even if it might not be as bad when you’re the one living it

cheziebabe · 30/06/2025 18:23

men who dismissed your opinion will accept someone else's that they respect more. so get district nurses opinion and/or look it up on Google and show him "oh look what I've just come across".
get some wet wipes for babies and have by baby although he won't listen to you now he likes affecting you.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 30/06/2025 18:55

When I was a few months old (1983) and my mum went out for a bit…. My dad couldn’t face putting a safety pin in my terry nappy!! So, his ingenious idea was to use sellotape!! He wrapped it all over my nappy and I was good and waterproof for a fair few hours!!!! Then, to ice the cake. When I was 2 and she was at work, he told me to get off the floor or he’d hoover me up. Lo and behold an accident involving an old fashioned hoover occurred and resulted in two broken fingers and a very very angry mummy!!! He’s the best dad in the world though and these stories get brought up at every single family do…. Laugh about it and move on x

JayJayj · 30/06/2025 19:42

I think he is coming across as abusive. You shouldn’t feel like you are walking on eggshells around him. You definitely should able to have a conversation about the safety of your baby without it being an argument.

He is refusing to take accountability for his actions by blaming it on your hormones.

You sound like you do have PPD/PPA which does make everything feel worse. (I know I’m still struggling nearly 3 years on)

Im sure there will be an article or YouTube video about holding babies by arms. It can cause joints to come out of sockets. It’s just a lazy way to pick them up.

I know it’s hard but try not to blame yourself. It’s not your fault you’d husband is a dickhead.

NotSmallButFunSize · 30/06/2025 19:46

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:20

Because it’s a baby and hence why bottles are sterilised etc, it’s different for my own dishes because my immune system is much stronger @Wolfpa

Bottles are sterilised to kill bacteria from the milk residue not because babies can't be exposed to germs.

Anyway, I agree with PPs that it's grim to use a cloth on the floor and dishes so I definitely wouldn't use YOUR cloths on the baby - in the main though can't see a problem with it and used to do it with my babies.

ChampagneLassie · 30/06/2025 19:49

namechangesafe · 29/06/2025 21:30

@LoztWorldyes by the hands so he is dangling

This is really concerning. I’d self refer to social services and get them involved. He might listen up sharpish! It sounds like the transition to to parenting is proving a bit of a battle ground. I really don’t want your baby to get hurt xx

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:05

Lolapusht · 30/06/2025 18:08

…and have you said ‘stop it. He doesn’t like it…” or something similar?

What was his response?

What did he do that your mum was concerned about?

I think that was too do with feeding the baby lying flat on his back.

Longyitudeed · 30/06/2025 20:12

He's abusive.
Abusing the baby in front of you and daring you to correct.

That poor baby.
I hope to god someone realises what is going on and reports this to SS.

So many examples and yet you defend him.

You should be packing a bag, going to your parents and tell them the truth.

Put your baby first, ahead of his abusive father.

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:16

PeapodMcgee · 29/06/2025 21:23

If / when your baby becomes injured, you will be expected (by social services) to safeguard your baby from him.

I would take baby to GP or A&E to check for fractures. Awfully common when living with such a man, I'm afraid.

Edited

Your joking right?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:17

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:16

Your joking right?

Not joking. This is possible.

Nanatobethatsme46 · 30/06/2025 20:18

Take your baby to the hospital. My daughter age 2 was on a shopping trip with us ( food shopping) many years ago , she went to run infront of someones trolly and my partner grabbed her arm to guide her out the way and that small move not even deliberate pulled her elbow out of joint. We took her to a&e straight away and they popped it back in and said it is common and will keep happening which it did a few times we had to be very careful but honeslty he felt dreadful!!!! This poor 3 month old baby boy being picked up by his arms on a regular basis certainly may have joints that have come out pf place and os probably in alot of pain :( he needs to be seen and his dad needs a parenting course at the very least
Protect your innocent baby not your heavy handed husband

Lunarises · 30/06/2025 20:22

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/06/2025 20:17

Not joking. This is possible.

I didn't read it all so that's my bad

pineapplesundae · 30/06/2025 20:23

You really need to put a stop to DH carrying baby by the arms or hands. It can cause serious injuries.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/06/2025 20:28

Imo you need to seek a GP appointment.. Tell him it's women's problems... Tell your GP you have concerns about the safety of your dc... One day your dc will absolutely come to harm and I fear you will be blamed... You need to have it documented he is a possible danger.. I do fear for your baby's wellbeing..

namechangesafe · 30/06/2025 20:33

I today decided to bring up the arm lifting issue with my husband today. I started by saying my I’m glad you just picked him up under his arms instead of by his wrists/arms like you did yesterday because it’s dangerous. Initially he gave me “that look” (eye roll) like “here we go again” when I started to speak. But I said I saw something online about a doctor seeing dislocations from lifting babies by arms frequently.

His whole demeanor changed. He said “oh blimey, I ought to not do it then” and seemed genuinely concerned and receptive. When I asked why he rolled his eyes, he said he didn’t, but he didn’t get confrontational about it which was different from usual.

The social media framing completely bypassed his defensiveness and let him actually hear the safety information. He was able to take it in when it didn’t feel like personal criticism.

I know I shouldn’t have to use strategic communication techniques just to share basic infant safety information with my baby’s father, but this still feels like progress. He showed he is capable of listening and caring about safety when his defenses aren’t up.

I’m not suddenly saying everything is perfect - we have a LOT of dysfunctional relationship dynamics to work on. But seeing that he can actually receive safety information and respond appropriately when it’s framed right gives me a tiny bit of hope that not everything has to be a battle.

Small win in what’s been a very difficult situation. At least I know the information got through and he seemed to genuinely understand the concern.

OP posts:
Marosanne · 30/06/2025 20:35

None of this is ok. Seems likely he might escalate this behaviour in future to prove his power further. Pulling a baby up by his hands could injure your child. It's not a loving or caring way to treat a young child and he's putting his determination to best you over his child's welfare. Red flags everywhere.

MrsDuskTilldawn2point0 · 30/06/2025 20:37

I’m sorry if this is insensitive but if something happens to your baby it almost feels like you’ll be complicit in it. Your instincts are telling you constantly, repeatedly - and gut feelings are powerful - that he’s not treating your baby right. And you allow it. By walking on eggshells, by appeasing that idiot, by literally putting him before protecting a newborn. You may be hormonal, worn down by how he’s treated you probably way before you had the baby, but OMG now’s the time to find your backbone. Or if that’s too hard phone women’s aid, SS, your GP, any or all of them to share the load.

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