To be annoyed DH used dishcloth to wipe babies face?

[namechangesafe]

NC I don’t want this post linked to others.

Just had a bit of a disagreement with DH and wondering if I’m being unreasonable here.

Our baby, three months old, was sick down his chin and on his bouncer and DH grabbed the dishcloth that was sitting by the kitchen sink to wipe it from baby’s face and mouth. I said “are you really using a dishcloth?” and he said yes. When I asked would he use one on his own face, he said yes he’d use it on his own face (so what’s the problem, in other words).

The cloth was taken from our washing up bowl, and the cloths I had recently bleached yesterday. It was a microfibre cloth and DH uses these cloths to wipe up mess from the floor, we use them to wipe the sides and wash dishes.

AIBU or am I being a bit too precious about this?

Another example, he often picks baby up by both arms, did it this morning to take him out the bath and carry him two metres across the room and he keeps doing it, just another example of things he does that I don’t agree with.

Whenever I point things out to him he instead gets defensive and says “don’t tell me how to parent DC.” When he points things out to me I change what I’m doing, because my goal is just to want the best for DC but he thinks my safety concerns are silly and trying to wrap him in cotton wool.

Generally we are struggling with our newborn to be on the same page with safety concerns and I’m feeling very stuck and isolated as he will not respect my wishes when I call things out.

I’m really struggling.

The lifting by the arms would be far more a concern to me than the dishcloth. It can cause dislocations and nerve damage. The baby is way too young to be handled like that.

My dh works for the emergency services and we work out our child care according to his shifts. I work ft too and 8 times of 10 do the school run. Today I fucked up thinking it was his day to take our dc to school so I got ready as usual, got the dc up and ready and he was still in bed. I went to tell him it was time to get up and went to work. Doorbell camera went off this afternoon and when I checked it, noticed his car on the drive and then it dawned on me, I'd got his bloody shift wrong 😖. When I got home, the first thing I did was to apologise for getting him up and said I'd got his shift wrong. He said 'oh, I thought you were just being fucking selfish'. Seriously, I'm so upset bc for 20 years I've put him first, tiptoeing round the house, changing mealtimes, keeping the kids quiet and working around his shifts bc I understand how damn hard they are. Am I being over sensitive?

You need to start a new thread, not post on someone else’s.

OP, this isn’t a win.

Things haven’t resolved themselves and he isn’t learning. He just decided in that moment not to challenge you.

I’ve just read through your other threads and they are a litany of this man ignoring you, putting you down, controlling you and generally making the first 3 months of your baby’s life a misery.

This isn’t just a case of differing opinions on child care, your DH doesn’t care about your opinion and is going to continue doing dangerous things with your child.

Is one of you seriously feeding on demand and the other is doing scheduled feeds?

Babies that young cry because that’s the only way they communicate. It’s up to the adults in their life to to work out why they’re crying. Ignoring the crying is essentially ignoring what your child is saying. Babies that age are incapable of manipulating you into doing things. They’re not crying because they’re devious and making you bend to their whim. Your DC isn’t taking the piss and doesn’t need to be taught not to be naughty which is effectively what your DH thinks.

Everything in your posts shouts that your DH is the most important member of your family. Everything revolves around him. You’re worried about his relationship with your mum and want to fix it, he’s decided your DC isn’t going to be into football, he thinks you dress him in too many clothes, he thinks feeding DC flat is fine. It goes on and on. Every single issue you have is batted off because he’s ND or intelligent. You said in one of your posts that he won’t listen to anything other than facts. That’s not exactly true, is it? He’ll only listen to facts he agrees with. Feeding a baby lying down hugely increases the chances of them choking. That’s all he needs to know. Touching a baby’s soft spot is bloody dangerous. He shouldn’t need to be told that, but when you did he laughed while doing it again. He didn’t listen to that fact, did he? The water in the bath? Do you have to produce a PowerPoint as to why it’s not a good idea to pour water over a baby’s face? The dishwasher he didn’t want to get? Do you know what I think the reason is he waited for the bottles and didn’t stop it (there is no dishwasher you can’t safely interrupt mid-cycle)? You wanted the dishwasher, you put the bottles in the dishwasher so he was going to let the cycle finish as that’s what you wanted. You wanted the dishwasher so he was going to use it. He was being spiteful at the expense of your child. He wasn’t using the dishwasher and was still hand-washing things so why couldn’t he have taken those out and washed them by hand? Because he was proving a point in a very vindictive way.

What’s his ND?

Whatever it is, I’ll bet being an abusive a-hole isn’t one of the symptoms.

If your baby ends up with pulled elbow especially at a young age you will have social services intervening and possibly have your baby taken into care.(no exaggerating).Show dh an illustration of this the silly man.

If this is the same poster whos husband left their newborn to cry themselves sick, who touched their tender spot on purpose and who generally is a shit shit shit parent. You should leave. For your son. Because when your husband actually injures him you will be to blame too.

It is definitely a safeguarding issue.

I'd be very relaxed if this was grabbed in haste

Lets just hope that your baby isn't harmed in the meantime.

Your threads go the same way every single time.

That poor baby deserves better.

Well done for making it clear to him.that what he is doing is dangerous and why he shouldnt do it, it doesnt matter how you get the information across to him the main thing is you have and hes listened. I hope now he thinks when he goes to pick the baby up and does it in the right way. Id still get the baby checked out and make sure there are no dislocations, there is info on the nhs website about arm dislocations in young children but of course a 3 month old baby cant tell you if its in pain
Better to be safe than sorry

This your DH needs to listen.

OP isn't listening.

She thinks she merely dealing with a communication issue with her husband and that's the only thing she is fixated on. She won't accept that her baby is being abused by her husband.

dangling baby by baby's hands
dumping water on baby's head in the bath
feeding baby lying down to choke
making baby go without a blanket
leaving baby in a dark room to cry himself sick
slapping the baby's fontanelle spot repeatedly
wiping baby's face with filthy cloths

OP thinks that husband's abuse of baby in front of her (laughing at her and gaslighting her when she begs him to stop) is merely an issue with her expressing herself incorrectly, she can't see that its actually abuse by a psychopath who enjoys inflicting pain on OP through a defenceless 3 month old baby.

I hope someone can report her to SS before the baby is seriously injured or killed.

Whilst it is great that he has listened to you this time and has agreed to stop doing something so risky, you still need to be on high alert because it sounds like there are a lot of other things he is doing that are still a huge red flag from a safeguarding perspective. If you were to speak to a social worker about this, for example, the overall picture would be a negative one and they would be concerned for your child’s life. Similarly, if a teacher or nursery key worker picked up on any of this, they would raise a concern immediately.

I really want to stress to you that what you are describing are not post baby marriage problems that lots of women complain about and work through with their partners. You are dealing with at best emotional abuse and more worryingly, potential physical abuse of your baby. That internal voice that he has created in you may see this as scaremongering or highly dramatic but we are talking about the most vulnerable version of a human here. No one should be experimenting with boundaries or trying to toughen them up. Your boy is going to be young and needy and challenging and vulnerable for a long time to come. You need to put him first and protect him from future abuse and neglect.

I know we don’t see the full picture on here and they’ll be a whole load of beautiful family moments that we don’t see or hear about. But a lot of people are very worried about your baby’s well being. The worse version of events is that he is physical hurt by your husband and you’ll never forgive yourself for watching it all happen from the sidelines. Please don’t relax. I’m sure after all the stress it’s tempting to. But emotional abusers are clever. They keep you guessing and do just enough to make you question if you’re the crazy one.

Please stay online and/or please speak to people you trust. You don’t have to battle alone. The more people you share this with, the more you’ll release that you are not the problem and you need to act.

More concerned with the fact you're using the same cloth on your dishes benches and floor!!

But regarding your AIBU, if it was an actual dish cloth used for dishes Id use it. My dish cloth is softer cleaner and more effective at cleaning grubby faces.

I wouldnt use a floor cloth on faces or dishes

I should not have clicked on this thread…. Now I am going to worry about this poor baby having one the same age!
OP, a newborn does alter the dynamics of the family and it does put a strain on relationships as it’s a huge change for both parties.
Did you two do an antenatal class? If not, perhaps see if your health visitor can suggest one post natally. Maybe you both just need to align on what’s a hard no for both of you, agree on compromised etc when it comes to caring for your little boy.
Raising a baby by the arms is dangerous as everyone has pointed out. Your little boy probably doesn’t have great neck control either just yet do it must be uncomfortable for him!
it is your job, as his mum to advocate for him. So show husband the door if you need too. Your baby cones first!

His demeanour changed because he realised he could get into serious trouble if he harmed your baby enough that it need medical intervention as this would likely result in him getting caught. He is a sly coward so wants to find ways to abuse your baby that are "low level" that won't show marks, bruises, injuries etc - well for now anyway, he will get bolder over time the more he gets away with.

Agree.
The OP knows well what is going on and is absolutely complicit.

Even from the newborn stage on MN, sadly some women will put an abuser ahead of their newborn baby.

Terribly sad.
She is hiding it from her family, that makes her actions complicit.

He's sick. A complete psycho who gets his kicks from tormenting the baby in front of her.

And she allows it to continue.
Completely heartbreaking.
It's like a horror Daily Mail article.

OP, contact Women's aid and see what they say about the abuse you are witnessing.
He is abusing you to in forcing you to watch it.

I am listening though? He isn’t feeding the baby to choke him on purpose and he genuinely thinks I’m over protective and it’s fine to do these things.

please trust me in this, I am living this situation. I’m not saying ignorance makes it acceptable but he genuinely does NOT think some of these things are safety issues.

@August1980we never did any classes. I copy watched and lived with three nieces and nephews and a younger brother growing up and learned a lot from it and have close relationship with my mom and take her advice.

he on the other hand takes advice from hardly anyone and that’s the issue, I think he thinks parenting is simple as everyone does it.

HE DOES KNOW THEY ARE WRONG AND DANGEROUS.

It's common sense and also, you have told him, your mother has told him. If you do not believe this then put him to the test. Get a professional to tell him. Then when he carries on harming your baby to upset you (which he will) you will KNOW he IS an ABUSIVE CUNT.

I get what you’re trying to say but you yourself have said he’s an intelligent man. It’s not rocket science that any age person eating on their back is riskier than sitting up, that tapping the soft spot on a baby’s head is really risky, that not supporting a child properly when you go to lift them is dangerous. And even if he is unaware of all of this, he isn’t intellect enough to listen. He belittles you when you tell him to stop. He actively ignores your attempts to protect your child. He has totally convinced you that he is innocent here and has worn down your defences so you question whether to step in. I think that is why people are so worried for your son - there’s a pattern of your husband pushing a boundary, you trying to stop it, your husband belittling you and the abuse continuing. Please stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and acting like he’s this incredible human being. He’s hurting you and your son.

But they are. Who gives a fuck if he actually means it or not? Though he isn't intelligent if he genuinely thinks picking a baby up by his arms is safe, especially if he's careful enough to not do it with pets etc.

You are putting him above your baby pussy footing around him and navel gazing about why he may or may not do these things.

Who cares.

Put your baby first.

He doesn't even respect you enough to even listen to your opinion though, he needs studies and evidence for him to even consider his actions might not be okay. I think he knows full well what he is doing. Please put that baby first.

Great that you've got a close relationship with your mum, but you're pointedly avoiding saying what it was your H was doing that made your mum call him out.

Honestly this thread is one of the saddest things ive ever read. You're either making this stuff up OP or you're incredibly foolish and selfish. There ive said it. Guarantee im not the only one who's going to be awake tonight worrying about your poor baby. Will you be doing the same i wonder.

@Haveyoubrushedyourteethfeeding him almost flat, like 25 degreees off the floor

she said he should be sat up