To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

Why are your in-laws expecting this of you, and not your DH who is presumably their son?

What are your ILs thinking that you should do that your husband can't?

(If he wanted to o course)

You both work full time.

That buts quite a block on what you could do I would think!

I think the biggest problem seems to be that the caring starts small but more & more is taken on.

Perhaps it is best to just say no from the start?

This. ^ Baffling thread. You don't have to put your life on hold, and drop everything in it, but helping elderly and infirm parents once a week - maybe twice is OK surely. Are people THAT self centred and self absorbed that they will actually do absolutely nothing for their parents when they're old and infirm.

How depressing.

That's because the majority of people are selfish.

And that's why, no matter how many siblings there are, the responsibility for elderly parents ALWAYS fall on just one of them. And the others are happy for that to happen.
The caring sibling will sometimes manage to make them feel a bit guilty, and they will promise to do more, but ultimately, they only care about themselves, even thought if a few of them just did a bit it would mean everyone can have a life.
I've seen it time and time again in countless families.

Indeed and I view this as a change in our society whereby people are becoming more individualistic with less sense of responsibility towards others

Whether you think that's a good or bad thing is another issue.

Oh I've said they're on their own practically speaking.

Honestly, imagine saying that t your own family. "You're on your own". Nice.

Yep, I agree, people are incredibly individualistic these days. It was bad enough when communities disappeared and people started not caring about their neighbours. Now no one cares about their own families. It's incredibly sad.

Actually, it makes you sound pretty awful! Why do you think SS would put your parents in your home? Why do you think your parents would actually want to move into your home FFS! Do you have ANY positive feelings for your parents?
I didn’t do any personal care for my MIL or either parent, but I helped them access support, took them to appointments when I could, made sure they had food, clean clothes and the right meds. Eventually, it also meant ensuring my MIL went into a nice care home, and visiting my stepfather in his when no one else could be bothered. It didn’t take me hours of time, just a weekly visit. My parents brought me up well. And taught me that helping others less capable than myself is important. No one should be left to ‘get on with it’ when they age.

Sorry but your view is clearly coloured by personal bitter experience in very difficult circumstances.

What is selfish is to fail to plan for your own old age and expect it to fall on your, sometimes frail themselves, “children”.

If they have money then I would say it is fine- and desirable- for them to access professional services. You may wish to perform certain duties (cooking freezer meals was mentioned up thread) at times. But actually trained professionals will take much better care of them in terms of personal care and I know for myself I would feel that it would impact my relationship with my children / DILs if they had to provide intimate personal care. I simply would not wish them to see me like that and I DEFINITELY would not wish for them to put their lives on hold or ruin their careers by catering to me.

But if you have siblings you need to be on the same page. DH had an aunt who required and demanded alot of care. We lived a 5 hour drive from her and one sibling lived only 30 minutes. We would go for a long weekend once a month do admin stuff for her and yes I resented the fact the others just could not give a damn. His siblings said they were not going to be bothered.... but they were first in line with their hands out when she passed and DH was administering her estate.

This thread is depressing.

I sat here to avoid my housework but honestly, I think I'd rather be washing up than reading this depressing shite that just reminds me of the state of the world and how little people care about each other.

So thanks at least for encouraging me back to what I should be doing 😄

I don’t think it’s “people”: men have rarely historically been expected to provide unpaid care to aging relatives, that’s always fallen upon women. Previously women were less likely to have careers of their own which they weren’t willing to give up, and had often been raised with the expectation that their duty was to care. All that’s really happened is that more women now have the lives and freedoms men have always had, and it’s no longer the easy and obvious decision for them to give that up. Add to that the growing trend for young people to go away to university and then often relocate far from where they grew up afterwards, and the “responsibility” becomes much less easy logistically: unlike my own mum who lived a five minute walk from her parents and the house she grew up in and therefore found it not at all difficult to pop in with some shopping or give them a lift, it’s not at all practical for me, 150 miles away, to adopt that responsibility for my parents.

I was POA for a lovely uncle from 500 miles away. It took a lot of logistical organisation, phone calls etc even though I was hands off. Be prepared for social services to put HUGE pressure on you to be hands on involved as they did me. He didn't need personal care but finding a great home help (took him shopping, haircuts, chiropodist, out for lunch, for drives, made him lunch/brekkie etc) a trustworthy cleaner who would also make him snacks and tea etc made life easier for me and enjoyable for him. If you do get good people in place, pay them bonuses etc treat them well. They are amazing and in demand.

That is terrible. So much for Christian love of thy neighbour. That response by the church is not what Christianity is about. What denomination was this? I ask as a committed church goer and volunteer (C of E).

I do wonder how it'll work in the future as state pension age further goes up. People will need to keep working into almost their 70's. They won't have the time or financial stability to retire or lower hours to take on caring roles in their 50's/early 60's like today for their parents in their 80's/90's.

Aside from that. My dad (early 60's) keeps trying to tell me what inheritance I'll get or what's in his will. I accidentally hurt his feelings the last time he mentioned it. I said I don't care if nothing comes my way. I'd much rather you blow it on carers or go into assisted living if you need it. Im not sacrificing my own future retirement by caring for you to be able get inheritance.

What is depressing is how many seemingly sensible and responsible people completely fail to plan for their own old age.

My own bitter experience but also my life and professional experience.

I won't go into it but basically, my career has enabled me to see the inner workings of a lot of families in this position, and the truth is, it always falls to one sibling because the others simply care about themselves more. It doesn't matter if the other siblings are retired and the caring one works. They will happily see that family member run ragged just so they don't have to do it.

And now people don't even care if everyone knows how selfish they are. They'll happily admit it and other people will tell them that's fine.

Depressing AF.

It's the circle of life. Sometimes we just have to do what's needed. Coming from an ethnic background, I wouldn't even question my responsibility towards my elders.

This is why nurses from other background often make the best nurses. People will moan about immigrants taking all our jobs, but I'd rather be looked after by an Indian nurse who was brought up to respect old people.
Look how little we give a shit
"If an old person was billeted to my house, I'd move away until the problem went away."
Horrible.

Christian, multi denominational I think? She was German, Lutheran beliefs.

The diocese was in Truro, where the Bishop
was based.

Yes, it was absolutely shocking.

(sorry to be vague, we’re atheists so not clued up on the various branches)

There is a big difference between “failing to provide for your own age”, and having your kids be willing to provide some basic assistance, sometimes.

But this is mumsnet, where shades of grey and nuance came to die…

My mother was abandoned by her church, or rather Methodist chapel, when she got dementia too.

Sorry, not meaning to derail.

Yes, so true.

Of course people care! Women in particular carry a great deal more responsibility now than past times and often care is simply not a possibility. That doesn’t make people selfish!