To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

But the issue isn't people saying visit at weekends! The issue is people expecting others to give up full time jobs and salaries to be a carer or even just to be an errand runner all week! That's the issue!

The issue is that some people want to do it and others don’t. And if you want to you find a way. I used annual leave for medical appointments because there was no question of me giving up my career.

But that's an unfair expectation and depending on the need of the parents, you could soon rattle through annual leave entitlement! It's unhealthy to switch off your own life, tell your partner that you won't be having restful holidays away from work together anymore because you are frittering all your leave away! Some of you are advocating terribly unhealthy ways to live where all you do is work and or care! Why can't a taxi take them to an appointment! Some of you think you should break yourselves mentally to be the hero rather than do what's easier and more sensible.

But the point is that if you want to do, it you will find a way to make it possible even if limited.

I’ve also used leave to cover these types of situations just as I did with small children. Family needs will always get a higher priority to me than a spare day off. Not everyone feels the same but its not true to say that it is simply impossible to help if you work full time.

You're not listening, you don't need to break your life apart when there are other options! If my mother started needing extra assistance, I am absolutely promising you that I don't have a job where I can do that, I can't just walk off the job for several hours regularly to drive 36 miles to pop her to a chemist etc! I would pay for a taxi for her if I had to! Not she's skint, she's sat in a paid for house worth about £300k! There are limits to what many people who work can do, there isn't always a way to do everything personally.

No, just pointing out that there are two people in the relationship, one is likely to ail before the other

@Fragmentedbrain I'm still curious to find out what you meant by that comment about your siblings. What do you think might happen?

Very likely resentment that the burden is not evenly distributed between the siblings.

@Jinglejanglenamechanged25 Yes, I'm also assuming that the OP is expecting some kind of negative reaction, which is curious as she's convinced that her approach is the right one.

Sometimes it's safer for everyone to have the elderly person be in a care home. I mean what do you expect your kids to do, stay up all night to make sure you don't wander?! Funny I thought parents had kids so they could live their own lives-maybe OPs right about kids being a selfish pyramid scheme afterall...

It’s you who isn’t listening. We’ve made it clear people make that choice because they want to. It’s not just getting to the appointment, it’s moral support, advocacy and questioning the healthcare professional. I found a way. You’re not prepared to. We all prioritise differently.

What a life you've had picking and choosing whether you felt like working!

Same life as yours - I just booked a day’s leave when I needed it. 🤷‍♀️

All the people on here saying this thread is upsetting, the very worst people on here are those saying that you are scum if you don't give up your job at the demand of a parent! I can only assume these are housewives who've had lives of leisure because hubby has had a 6 figure salary! Nobody can live on fresh air! The loss of a salary can result in homelessness! For people who are still many years from retirement it's not remotely practical to just surrender salaries to be a full time carer! We can't afford to surrender a decade or two of pension payments! What makes you think that any of our parents would want us to be out of a job and destitute rather than them jump in a taxi for a few minutes to go somewhere where they live! My mum wouldn't want me doing the things that people on here are bullying people for not seeing as a realistic option! My partner looks after computer networks for a hospital trust and will soon get 100 extra NHS medical sites to look after, you'd soon hate his guts if IT issues where messing up your appointments, scans, blood tests, x rays and everything else because he kept walking off the job to run errands for his mum instead of fixing issues! Let that sink in when you people to refuse to work for trivial errands!

Nobody lives the same lives as anybody else. We all get dealt different cards to play with. Not everyone can just book days off for one.

And what if they need running about many times a week! You want to be a hero let's face it! A taxi is what sensible people do.

@BIossomtoes · Today 20:13
It’s you who isn’t listening. We’ve made it clear people make that choice because they want to. It’s not just getting to the appointment, it’s moral support, advocacy and questioning the healthcare professional. I found a way. You’re not prepared to. We all prioritise differently.

@FlyMeSomewhere
Can you beg people's bosses not to fire them for walking off the job all the time? Can you pay a replacement salary for the people that would be dismissed from jobs? Do you even work to understand how repulsive you sound attacking people for having 40 hour a week jobs they cannot walk off! You can't magic a solution to that! Are you a housewife that's lived on hubby's money all your life?

How can you be so thick about how it works to have a full time job! They are other options!

You don't have to treat people like scum for working! I'm 45, if my mum starts needing help at some point I don't have magic wands to wave over the situation and I need my salary and my pension payments for my future! My mum is very comfortable financially so why can't we get help for her when and if that time comes! You are not right in the head! What a life you've had picking and choosing whether you felt like working!

I know you're angry @FlyMeSomewhere but that personal attack on @Blossomtoes was disgusting.

Thank you. I really appreciate that but it’s water off a duck’s back.

I've had personal attacks on here for two days! I keeps telling me that I'm liar when I keep telling her that if my mum did god forbid need extra help soon that I can't just drop everything and do it! Is it fair for people like her to look down her nose at workers that can't afford to just quit! You didn't find that disgusting did you!

It was a totally unneccessary onslaught. That poster can make a point that they don't think you 'get it' without name calling and insults!

Has anyone called you 'thick' and 'repulsive?'

Are you all honestly that sensitive? Stop bullying people then! If you keep attacking people they will get upset! I am not a liar that I can't just walk off my job anytime I want!

I think in my mams world nobody has bills to pay so its not realistic giving up your job.. Im one of 3 we all help her. Caring can go on for years too. You can only do what you can. No easy answers really.

Is that all you care about, the behaviour towards people that can't just dramatically change lives because you lot think a parent can't jump in a taxi to an appointment is absolutely awful! The guilt tripping, the calling people liars! Don't abuse and hurt people if you don't want to be told what they think of you for doing it!

Nobody’s called anyone a liar or guilt tripped them.