To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

OP, it doesn't matter how it went down for other people, you absolutely have the right to refuse to be a carer.
Only a very selfish person would expect their adult child to care for them. You have to live your life - and also make arrangements for professional care in your own old age!

Clearly you have decided how you wish to proceed with your lives, as is your choice.
As an older person with health issues I would never want any of my children to help me, unless they really wanted to. I’m not talking daily care here. Probably advice more than anything.
I probably wouldn’t be bothered if you didn’t visit much either.
This leaves you completely free to enjoy yourselves. Hope one of you doesn’t get a health issue in the meantime. Your DH will be looking after himself.
As for the siblings, peace of mind is sometimes the greatest feeling. I guess you’re not particularly close to them.

Gosh....is there some back story with your parents?

Assuming they've been normal, loving, kind parents I just cannot fathom your mindset. I totally understand not wanting to provide full time care...but would you not even assist in helping with admin, organising carers, finding a suitable nursing home etc?

As for enjoying your time...you are childfree, you must have had and will have loads of time to enjoy yourself.

You mention siblings. Would they be picking up the caring or organing caring instead of you/ your partner?

Make sure someone else is next of kin and don’t give personal information like phone numbers or emails out. Expect to be disinherited and be no contact with your immediate family.

I am like you OP, although I do manage to care for my pets...

My father is dead but I still have an elderly mother.

However she lives in a different country, close to her sister and I have had very limited contact with her as an adult.

She was a toxic. controlling parent who did not look after my health when I was a kid or protect me from my father's violence.

So when her sister and my cousins (who I had no contact with for 30 years and who never showed any interest in my life) tried to rope me back in when she was having health issues my response was to make it clear that I would not provide any support or resume contact.

Stand firm and make your boundaries clear. They will need to start making their own plans for their old age.

I have my own health issues to manage (some due to that early years neglect) and I had to fight hard to mitigate the trauma from my upbringing so there is no way I am wasting my life to care for someone I do not even like.

Caring for your life partner, the person you have chosen and committed to, is entirely different to being expected to care for elderly parents who have failed to plan.

With no other commitments, should OP’s DH become ill, I suspect she would care for him beautifully, willingly and with love.

I dont have kids husband or any pets.
I dont have that care in me never have.
I get what you are saying op.
No way am i caring for my mum i wont even babysit or petsit for anyone.
I hate responsibility for something other than my self.

The majority of elderly people do make it until the end of their lives, or at least until their final months, not needing any significant personal care. We’re fortunate that modern tech has made it increasingly easy for people with limited mobility or poor health to more easily purchase assistance they need: we have online shopping, it’s a lot easier to order a cab via uber, or have groceries and meals delivered by Deliveroo etc. They can pay for cleaners and gardeners. When I worked in social housing for older people, the practical elements of life weren’t generally the most challenging for the majority of residents, beyond having somebody engaged and who cared enough to advocate for them to receive things like care packages or make the decisions about health and residential care - it was more often keeping up with the social side of things, loneliness, not having anybody for emotional support. If you’re actually prepared to keep on top of that side of things, that’s probably the most important.

Let's face it, those of us who don't have our own children know that we'll have to look after ourselves in old age (albeit we may have to bring in paid help and/or social services).
So, if we can do it, why can't those people with adult children?

I have refused to help my elderly mum.

it went down very badly.

this is largely due to her expectations - I am severely disabled following an accident and require care myself (I have someone come in once a week to support me with various stuff).

she was under the impression she would be able to move in with me and I’d make meals, clean etc. fuck only knows why as I’m obviously physically disabled and I have a cleaner and mostly buy freezer meals.

it went down very badly.

Do your PILs expect you to look after their personal needs at some point or your DH?

If you look at the many posts on the Elderly Parents board, it is clear that the expectation is that daughters and daughters-in law are expected to do the caring, and never sons or sons-in law. Even in situations where their son actually lives with them, paying no rent and not working, the expectation is that the daughter who works and has children must be the one to provide care.

You don't owe it to either set of parents to provide elderly care, particularly if they have got the means to pay for it. If they are nice people, visiting them and keeping in touch regularly should be enough.

Really sorry, OP. That’s grossly unfair.

I don't understand some of these responses. How often to we see on here that people are NOT entitled to ask for help from their parents with their own kids, because the grandparents have earned their retirement? (which is fair, by the way! I'm not saying otherwise) Also, how many times do we see that it is awful and entitled to expect your parents to leave you anything in their will, and that their money is theirs to leave as they see fit? (also true) If those are true, then how can it be right that parents should be entitled to help of any kind from their adult kids?

Because they are entitled and think that they own their kids.

Sorry, PP, not OP.

People have many years to plan for old age and potential frailty. Sticking their heads in the sand and expecting adult children to pick up the pieces is highly irresponsible and places unfair expectation on others.

Caring responsibilities dominated my life for around d 3 years. In a bid to be doggedly independent my parents in fact limited theor lives and mine. But that’s hindsight for you. And you know what? I wish I could have done more.
and I have two children and a dog.
End of life is brutal. And to think there’s a perfect roadmap is delusional and I’ve stopped besting myself to and the memory of my parents. If at the end of it you can say you all managed it perfectly then I think that’s down to luck as much as judgement.
Onward….

sorry - we all want perfect control. Not possible!

Honest op you will need nerves of steel to stand firm because you will come under increasing pressure as time goes on.
In my experience people do not want to think about getting old and infirm and very few people prepare for it.
Will you really be able to ignore them when they phone you with the latest problem?
Good luck, you will need.

I always get irked by the notion that the childfree owe more to their families than those with children. Presumably they are childfree because they don't want to be doing caring duties, so why should they have to do elder care?

I started off helping my parents (then my mother) with shopping etc while also working full time. Since my retirement, it's increased hugely and I now do everything for my mother. It's relentless and very hard work so I tend to caution other people about what they might be taking on.

I'm in my early 70s and I'm already 'future-proofing' my life so that my adult children won't have to look after me. I'm perfectly capable of organising my finances, paying for a cleaner, booking taxis when I stop driving etc. If I become disabled, I'll have carers to help. I just want my children and grandchildren to be around for the fun stuff and not to be another chore they have to tick off in their busy lives.

No one is saying they HAVE to do anything. It’s just unusual to refuse a lift to the chiropodist because you don’t want to, when the request is coming from the elderly parent in a normal loving family.

I don't think childfree people should do more. I was just wondering why the op mentioned wanting to enjoy her time specifically....if she'd had decades of caring responsibilities behind her I could understand.

Social worker here. I would definitely suggest a discussion before thing's change (& it can change rapidly), Lasting Power of Attorneys, living in a suitable environment e.g a downstairs toilet, property that's accessible etc. The amount of people who I see living in 3 storey houses, an old stone floor cottage or in a mobile home (can't put in handrails etc), this is because no one wants to accept or plan for a change in health/ability. The people who don't prepare tend to end up going into care homes earlier than the should in my view. Families need to be clear on what they can offer e.g housework, shopping etc & people need to be prepared to pay for their care, the amount of people who cancel or reduce care due to cost whilst sitting on a load of savings! And for what? A poor quality of life in your autumn years 💔

The vast majority of care that we have needed to provide has been of the emotional and life administration type. Helping with finances, taking to hospital appointments ( this isn’t about providing a lift but understanding and ensuring the best care is provided and that the parents understand what is happening).

Many very elderly people become anxious and need support with everyday decisions. Not literally every day but things they dealt with previously without difficulty.

Buying in care is fairly easy if you have funds but it needs organising and monitoring. However a carer won’t be responsible for making appointments, paying bills or much beyond personal care and maybe a bit of housework.

Sorry OP, if you do actually love your parents, unless you are exceptionally lucky, you will be involved in their lives far more in their late years.