To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

Agreed.. the independent living units are just that, independent. A lot of people find the lack of maintenance and amenities the strongest selling point.

Off the top of my head it has:

• 2 restaurants, pub, small market
• small cinema
• pickle ball courts
• virtual golf
• swimming pool
• putting green
• gym
• lectures/classes
• outings (theater, local events, etc.) ha they just went to a brewery tour
• individual garden plots

Services

• rides to medical appointments
• on-site nurse
• Dietitian
• Organized vaccine clinics
• full range of religious services (this particular one is faith based but not all of them are)
• on-site professionals (hair salon, mani/pedi, etc)

My neighbors found they could travel more and easier not having to worry about house maintenance. A lot of people who live there are just as active as they were in their houses, still drive, still travel, still entertain…they just don’t do it from a house.

I’ll move into one without hesitation when the time comes!

To be fair to @RosesAndHellebores I get the sense that sheltered accommodation is different.

For reference here’s a random example that I pulled from google. https://www.mooringspark.org/freedom-to-choose/an-active-lifestyle/

To answer you 'off topic,' my Nan had winter curtains (thick, thermals) and summer curtains (light cotton) which therefore needed to me changed twice per year. I don't know anyone of our generation or even my parents' that does this.

This is the place that I was thinking of in Aberdeenshire. I got the name wrong.

My MiL had summer and winter curtains too. Such a faff! I don't know anyone alive now who does this

At the end of the day it needs to be realised that times have changed, many women are not staying at home housewives anymore witn the freedom to easily become a carer! Jobs don't let you walk in and out just to keep running errands for parents.
My mum is fine right now but if she gets to a stage of needing more help, I will do everything I can to help her get help organised but I'm absolutely not the the devil for not doing it all myself because I'm her child!
When any of my grandparents became infirm, they went into residential care homes which was absolutely normal and still is! Aside from that children can't necessarily provide the specialist care they need!

I actually do think that adult children should help their ageing parents - what I don't agree with is that they should provide 100% of the care 100% of the time and that they should agree with their ageing parents that no one else should cross the door step on pain of death ! Very unrealistic ! But as long as they are deemed to have the capacity to make decisions no one including their adult children can make them accept outside help as part of the overall package.

This sound ideal. I think living in a place like that, combined with having a close friend of two who is happy to visit and keep a bit of an eye out for you, is a great way for those without family to have a secure and happy old age.

This thread isn't depressing. Unless your elderly relatives have been abusive when you were a child you have a responsibility to support them.
I care for my Dad and am next of kin for my aunt. It's not for long, sadly.

@Strawberriesandpears , how old are you? I'm in my 60s and think there are many more adventures (and challenges) ahead, if I'm lucky.

Please don't waste your life focusing on an end stage that might never happen. Live now.

ETA my DH is very likely to die before me, I don't have children and my family consists of 2 siblings and their spouses (and one nephew) all of whom live 100s of miles away.

I am in my late 30s. I know I am worrying far too much and I honestly don't know why I have become so focused on the end stage in recent years. I wish I could adopt your mindset!

Wishing you lots more happy years and adventures ahead. 🤗

I wish that for you too. As the very great Joe Strummer said "The future is unwritten". He was 50 when he died suddenly and unexpectedly.

We only have now.

This thread has made me so sad. Im
no saint, as selfish as the next person. I love my children with all my being, and I have never considered them obligated to care for me. However they are naturally kind and well rounded young men who would always help others.
i got little help from parents bringing my children up, but I love my parents and I want to help them. I would also hate all responsibility falling on my youngest sister who lives the closest and is unable to have children, because I love her very much, and she is a brilliant auntie.
loneliness is an awful thing, as a young mum I would often take my children for a cuppa and a chat with elderly next door neighbours because they were lonely.

i think im quite a selfish person, and have no expectations of others. But family, love, empathy, a belief in fairness, an innate need to care for the vulnerable. Are these not normal parts of being human?

People will largely do what they can to arrange the care an elderly parent needs but not everybody has the logistics to be the person that does everything all of the time!

Looking after parents in extreme old age is very exhausting. I looked after both my parents and father in law. They were very good people but the actual physical demands of extreme old age are very challenging. Add to them dementia, mobility issues, incontinence, stubborness etc and you have a toxic recipe. What is did teach me as I walked them all to their final journey was, that the meaning of life is death. In other words make the most of what you have while you have it because nothing lasts forever. I am glad I did it but it drains you of all emotional, physical, and psychological core. It took me five years to even vaguely get back to normal and, along the line, all my old friends dropped me but I made new ones who were richer in spirit.

You’re fortunate. Lots of people receive none.

Why is it disturbing? I think it's refreshingly honest. It's true she didn't ask to be born. Not all of us think life is some amazing "gift"-if you do think that then great lucky you, but don't make out there's something wrong with having another opinion on it.

Yes, well it's something to think about for sure. Building other relationships.

I have an uncle and aunt who both may need some help as they have either no children, or only one who may need some help to manage.

My kids know that besides myself and their father, there are a few other extended relatives who are likely to need their attention - their aunt and their godfather, neither with children nor married, both of whom have really been there for them their whole lives.

On the other hand I did once know a lady from my church who was asked by a woman she only knew slightly from work to help with some administrative issues. This woman had been given a terminal diagnosis, and had no family or even any real friends, and there were certain matters she needed a representative for as she declined. The woman I knew agreed to do this and was, I think, happy to help, but felt it was quite a sad scenario. She also used to visit her in hospital and just check that she was being cared for appropriately.

But I suppose anyone who is too busy with career etc to give time for their own parents may not be inclined to build the kinds of friendships and relationships where younger people will see them as family to look out for.

For what it's worth, I'm not going to be a burden to the only family I have, my siblings. Very much younger sister wouldn't cope and my brother would do all he could in arranging things, but I don't want him to have to.

I still think giving a hands turn of help to parents you get on with is not outside most people's wishes or ability. OK you live 200 miles away, you can't do hands on, but you can set up shopping or liase with the surgery?

Note the "parents you get on with". Unreasonable to expect estranged children to do it, of course.

your parents raised you. Personally I find it unconscionable to not do anything to help them when they are older, however if they have money they should spend it on care. I am assuming that you will not expect any inheritance?

In addition to caring full time for my mother at home I also do all of the above for an elderly aunt (childless) in a care home. It's quite a responsibility and onerous at times. I don't know any men caring for elderly relatives in this way - it seems to be mainly women who do it.

That's a completely different conversation to have.

I think you feel guilty either way. It's basically one long guilt trip. I was there for most of my dads appointments and hospital visits and I still blame myself for a lot of what happened and wish I'd done things differently or advocated better. Same with my grandmother. Life is just guilt guilt guilt. I think looking after my mother will break me and I'll be about ready to opt out of this world myself after that. I totally get what OP means even if posters think they're trolling. The responsibility is overwhelming especially when you've opted out of being responsible for another person by being childfree.

Oh yeah… don’t dwell on this now 😁

Instead take steps to give you the most options when the time comes. In other words focus on earning and savings! Those are the two most important things you can do. The details will come as you get closer.

I had to step right back from MIL, the expectation was just too much. She has £££ in savings plus a huge house in an expensive town, assets definitely over a million, but refuses to pay for a carer. She will not spend her money on things that would enhance her quality of life. I suggested paying someone for companionship/light housekeeping duties but that went down like a lead balloon. ‘That’s a very expensive way to have a chat’ was her response. Will not pay for a taxi under any circumstances, seen as an unnecessary extravagance. Tried to point out that by getting help in she would be taking the pressure off me and DH but that fell on deaf ears.
So now I do very little visiting because I will end up getting sucked in to giving more and more support, which I don’t want to give. (If you’re wondering what support DH gives, also very little, he travels lots for work and also has a life limiting health condition)
It’s a sad situation and a lesson in how not to be elderly and wealthy.

I had this with one of my sisters ( I have 2) she said very early on way before mum needed care that she wasn't going to look after Mum, but I didn't have a problem with it as I always said I would, she did however help way more than my other sister who was basically useless and didn't really care much anyway, (a whole other story). I don't know how many siblings you and your husband have, ( not read all comments so apologise if I've missed ) some may think you are being unreasonable but you're being honest and though you feel that way now, something might happen that you end up helping in some way. But better to let family know your intentions now.