To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

They can fall out over everything and anything! Sometimes siblings don't agree on what the best interests are for a parent or won't have their best interests in the first place.

On a personal note, I have two siblings I don't get on with. One I can't imagine having anything to do with our parents care due to his own difficulties and but I know my other one would and it's the thing I dread most about if there comes a point where my parents need support. Having to deal with someone you have a very fractious relationship with is under those circumstances will not be an easy feat and I can't imagine we are suddenly going to become bestie mates and pillars of support to each other (for various reasons I won't go into). In my circumstances it would certainly be easier being an only child and I'm sure the same goes for others too.

This makes me imagine myself as an old person sitting there like a lonely Cousin Itt with talons like an eagles sprouting from my feet. I'm not disputing what you say by the way - I am under no illusions as to how difficult old age will be - especially with zero family to look out for me.

That does sound difficult. I hope things go well for you however your siblings behave.

My parents may not even need support, who knows not all old people do! It's not something I have given much thought too, I'll deal with it when it comes! I'm very well supported with other lovely people in my life so lack of sibling support isn't really something that bothers me but I just wanted to highlight an alternative view!

I'm in the same situation: cared for both my parents and my late husband. [ETA Only child; no children of my own.]

My stepdaughter did assume that she'd be organising my funeral... (She assumed incorrectly.).

Very few people actually end up in a care home, and whilst you are at home the key thing - as far as I can see - is getting the support in when you need it. So my DPs do actually have a home chiropodist who has been coming for a number of years. If only I had managed to get the cleaner installed before point of desperation - but that was totally down to DMs intransigence. She still moans about the cleaner, even though she is bed bound and therefore not going to be doing much herself - I do wonder who she expects to do it instead.

Also it’s very much a personality thing. One of my DPs friends is single. She is same age as DM86, but has a lovely arrangement with some neighbours that their DD comes to hers after school when she doesn’t have clubs and they keep each other company until the DM finishes work and picks her up. But she has always been outgoing and friendly. I think when it’s not your DPs people do things because they genuinely want to, not just out of obligation as well of course as love, so it means there might be more folk involved at a superficial level, but you couldn’t turn away carers on the basis that your DD will do it, because of course there is no poor old DD waiting to do it.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I plan to organise my own funeral (well a direct cremation) at some point soon.

Have you thought about where you might like to live in the future? I have identified a retirement village I would like to move to. You can move in as an independent resident and then transition to higher levels of care if needed (right up to dementia care). The village has its own transport for medical appointments, as well as on site services like hairdressing and podiatry. It wont solve all my problems, but does make me feel a bit more hopeful about the future. It costs a lot though, so I am trying to make saving money a priority. I am only in my late 30s, so hopefully I have some time.

I agree. My gran died in 1977 and was cared for by three of her daughters. There was less care provision then than there is now.

I can see how forward planning can really help. I think not having children or other family forces you to think about these kind of issues well in advance.

Aww that's a lovely relationship. 'Chosen family' so to speak. I would like something like that in the future.

Thank you for sharing. 🤗

I thought about it - there's one of those places up in Aberdeenshire where you initially have sheltered accommodation and then move into their care home - but I think that it's beyond my means.

I have been careful to save and did have a reasonable job - I was a PTC [HoD/Faculty Head] in a Scottish secondary - but I don't think that I'll have the money to move into that.

I own my house outright and have savings, but I'm going to have to pay for repairs here. (In hindsight, the extension here was a bad idea. We should just have moved.) Once the repairs have been done, this place might sell for around 180k. That won't be enough to move into one of the retirement villages. Fortunately, once this place has been repaired I'll have accessible accommodation downstairs. I'll just have to pay for carers as long as possible.

I've already been in touch with a funeral director as the first step of organising my own funeral.

I have lots of stories from this particular front line, but I actually came on here to ask about 'retirement communities' that @saltinesandcoffeecups mentioned. My PILs (Adelaide, South Australia) have just sold up their home to move to one of these. You don't buy the property, you lease it, and it's the beginning of a pathway to full EOL /hospice care should you need to progress along it. At present, they are perfectly able to manage in their new-build, single-storey, no steps, wheelchair-accessible, walk-in wet rooms, adapted 3 bedroomed house. If and when their needs progress, and a different kind of living is needed, they can renegotiate their lease and move. The house they're in therefore becomes available for someone else on the waiting list.

Is this the kind of thing you mean, PP? And does anyone know if a similar arrangement exists in the UK?

Yes, this is the kind of model I am referring too. I think they are much more common in other countries, but they do exist in the UK too.

On the attendance allowance point:

Step, 81, has polymyalgia, arthritis, high blood pressure, just had a knee replacement, multiple hernias sorted put last year.

Mother, 89, has had acute aortic stenosis dealt with, has dizzy spells with aura, essential tremor and is far frailer than prior to the aortic stenosis although it's rectified.

MIL, 89, has constantly upset bowels which limits her getting out, no underlying cause found, macular degeneration but still has vision, and early Parkinsons.

Whilst they have slowed down, they do not qualify for attendance allowance. MIL has carers going in to keep an eye and for DH's peace of mind as much as anything. He pays for the carers.

I do not understand the resistance to having a cleaner. Mother has one but always did. MIL has always been po faced about the fact that I have a cleaner and is resisting but her house is not as clean as it was. I think DH will insist soon because he's a fussy bugger and won't stay there if it isn't clean. He will talk her round by saying "mum, what will the Dr think, they have to come?". They have both always been difficult in different ways.

The one that I'm aware of here is in Aberdeenshire - Inverewe, I think.

If you don't have family who do you find to advocate for you in old age?

I do have DC but fear neither will actually be able to do the advocating.

Either a close friend or some kind of paid service. I believe you can register as an individual with the CQC.

This is what Google says about the CQC:

"They act as a first point of contact between the CQC and the care provider, serving as an advocate for individuals, service users, and their families. Their primary objective is to ensure that all aspects of care meet regulatory requirements."

I am 65. I cannot imagine anything worse than living in a retirement community.

The closest here is sheltered accommodation, which can be very difficult to sell if people die or go into care homes - sometimes they take years to sell and meanwhile enormous service charges ramp up against the estate.

DH and I have sufficient money to stay in our home and to purchase care/help. If that were not the case, I'd rather downsize to a smaller house/bungalow with modifications. If anything were to happen to DH, I'd likely do that anyway.

The fees in these types of places are very high. I think I'll probably manage, but I am mindful that I need to be working on increasing my savings pot now (at nearly 40). I'd love to win the lottery and secure my future (who wouldn't though!).

I wish you all the best.

Each to their own 😊I can definitely see why it wouldn't appeal to everyone. The village I have identified has lovely grounds and the types of activity which I enjoy, so I'd be happy to move there and enjoy that (as well as feeling more secure about my future).

Also wishing you the very best.

(I'm relying on my premium bonds...)

In all seriousness, I'd say to get a good financial adviser if you can. Most of those around here appeared to be cowboys. (One who tried to get me on board was a former pupil. I don't mean to be unkind, but my experience of him as a pupil didn't fill me with confidence.)

I did approach the financial adviser for my union - the chap who (I later found out) gave me incorrect advice with regard to the flexible working versus staged retirement and he simply told me to put my savings into a cash ISA.

If I'd known at your age what I know now, I'd have cast a wider net for advice.

Yep, I bet that's very expensive. Out of reach for most people.

Also, that's one of my worst nightmares. Living in a 'retirement village.'

Nooooooooooo! 😱

Each to their own but I would absolutely HATE that.

Thank you. 🤗

That is some really good advice, thank you. I want to try and start making a bit of a side income too, as my job isn't all that well paid.

I do get what you mean. There are some retirement villages that really wouldn't appeal to me (I don't like the ones that are too 'fancy' and focused on wining and dining type activities) but I have found one that I do really like the look of and the 'vibe / ethos (I can't think of the word!) feels more 'me'.

i lived 3 hours from my mother both my husband & I had demanding jobs we loved
you have children god help them with what you are teaching them Im assuming you show them "love" not just logistics. we made sure we spent time with her and helped with anything she needed
I find you cold hearted and one day it will come back on you
if you're not careful you are teaching your children how to be hard hearted and leave you as you are your parents

You nurses your grandparents? Are you saying you never actually had a job and that your parents let you be the carer? I lost my first grandparent when I was 13 years old, all the rest had passed before I reached thirty! You think every person should refuse to work and be young adult carers to grandparents, and then sit waiting to do the same for parents! That's deeply, deeply abnormal! People have to have lives, have the chance to have careers, financially stability, houses, having the affordability and time to.have kids if they want them, travelling the world! What were your parents doing with their lives when they made you give yours up to care for their parents! I take it you have relied on benefits which common sense tells you not everyone can do!