To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

She was an outlier, my point still stands.

Agreed, I think @C8H10N4O2 circumstances are quite fortune. As an only child, I am quite daunted by the prospect of being the only source of support to my parents.*

*Disclaimer before people come for me - yes, I know that not all siblings are helpful, it usually falls to one person anyway etc

My only sibling also lives overseas. I know I will be doing it alone though she will help financially if needed.
It is what it is.

I am glad it worked out for you and your family.

Unfortunately I am an only who lives an hour away ( actually due to increased traffic more like 1.5 hrs), so there isn’t the opportunity to play to my strengths. It’s me or nothing- DH is helping a bit but our strengths are both the same and as I am the actual blood relative it means I get to pick up the non admin type activities <deep joy>, it does however reduce some of the traveling.

I do comfort myself with the fact that most of the people I know with siblings end up doing most of the grunt work themselves anyway. It’s unusual and admirable when a family manages it successfully. Sadly for me it just highlights the feeling that whatever I do, it’s never enough as it’s simply too much for one person working full time.

i have to be pragmatic and detached about it, or I simply couldn’t continue. I was emotional at the start, but I don’t have time for that and the practical support as well.

Everything? You exaggerate surely!
(and who is Karma?)

But there can be benefits to being an only child as well supporting parents. In my experience professionally, when there is one child involved in support when it comes to a crisis situation or decisions need to be made for example, moving a parent to a care home, only children can make these decisions without having to take in the consideration of other siblings and things tend to move a lot faster. There's no siblings to fall out with, no family drama to contend with which is already a difficult time for someone to be dealing with.

I work on older adult social care and the amount of siblings fall outs and break down in relationships is a lot higher than people think and its this that causes people the stress more than the care for their parents.

Yeah, I can imagine. What kind of things do people fall out about? You'd think if everyone is working on what's best for the elderly person, there wouldn't be much room to disagree. But I imagine money might be the cause of some disputes? E.g one sibling not wanting the elderly person to be placed in a care home as the fees will eat into the inheritance.

Well, they do need to be cleaned - and if you've lived there long enough they need to be replaced.

Is a care home needed, or live in, or just visits.
What about a cleaner.
How does elderly person get to appointments.
It isn't fair, you aren't pulling your weight.
You are stealing / wasting mum's money.
I am here on the ground and now you are swanning in trying to make decisions but I will be pucking up the consequences.
Mum wouldn't want that.
Who should care home be near.
.....

Why can't you undertake a 72 mile round trip for appointments? That's only 36 miles each way. I do a 180 round trip for my mother and I'm almost as old as yours (65).

Really it depends what level of support you were brought up with- in countries like the UK it has been generations since adult children had to support elderly parents. It really isn't about love- if your life plans have never included looking after elderly parents, and they never looked after theirs it is a huge financial and emotional shock to have to do so.
Many cultures drum into children from their earliest years that they will have to look after them when they are old- I do not come from a society like that, and I am thankful I don't.

That all sounds familiar to me from when my maternal GM was in her final illness. My mother has 3 siblings and was the youngest and basically all the simmering resentments from 6 decades just came to the surface. It was pretty brutal and my mother swore more than once that once her mother passed she would never speak to them again. Then the arguments over the will and who got what of the possessions (and the arguments with the oldest sister who left the wake early in order to hoover up the best china and jewellery) took a further toll.

My dm is in her eighties. She needs a lot of life admin support I suppose, not so much personal care. But she has always been abusive, causing drama, pitting people against one another with lies and manipulation.

The thing is, there isn't really anyone else to do it. Even in sheltered housing I doubt they'd deal with some of the self centred demands she makes. It falls mostly on one of my siblings whom she upped and moved near to. And it feels really unfair on them to do nothing to help. They end up your responsibility ultimately.

You might say get a cleaner. But then they get confused about when they were coming, don't open the door, get charged twice. Or start asking to do things that aren't in the cleaner's remit. Or they upset the cleaner by being rude. They don't come back. You have to find another one.

DM can't use online shopping. can't unload the shopping. It's too easy to say here's the number for Ocado. It just doesn't work like that in reality.

It's incredibly difficult to do nothing to help in reality.

Oooo yes - siblings/only children. In our case me and my sister mostly worked well together. But she did delay and object to care for dad at a stage where I felt it was necessary. So siblings aren't necessarily helpful.

I do think generally looking after parents - or more accurately supervising and arranging their care - is a rite of passage. It's what grown ups do. It's life. And I am startled at the number of posters on here who aren't prepared to buckle up, or for whom it is a very transactional thing.

I'm not talking bottom wiping or bathing - that is stuff for the professionals, but which you, as an adult may have to manage. A poster even baulked at taking their parent to a chiropodist appointment. Crikey. I'm afraid I feel some people do need to grow up. It requires a high degree of organisation and some sacrifice - though not overwhelming sacrifice. Life can go on. But have some compassion fgs.

But its not all or nothing. If you don’t have siblings with which to share you can still do what you can.

At three hours my DH was geographically closest to his parents. I was in the middle at three hours from mine. Only one of us was within an hour’s drive. We both had siblings living abroad.

Speaking regularly by phone or online, being able to remotely support with technology/systems doesn’t require siblings or being local. Finding good regular carers is a one off initial job to whom a lot of practical help can be delegated. DH and I were visiting respective parents every other weekend - if were we both onlys then the other weekends would have had more carer time. You work out what you can do and do that.

edit to add - siblings are not always a benefit. As pp say, it can be difficult to agree on next steps sometimes. DH found this with his DF - none of the siblings were "after his money” they were all in the own way trying to do their best to align with DF’s wishes. If it had been down to just one of them it would have been easier and quicker to make decisions.

I agree @C8H10N4O2 . There is so much (or little) that's up for grabs in terms of helping and supporting. And I cannot understand why so many posters lack the flexibility, imagination or compassion to see that

It's not the point.

The point is she is not willing to help her parents out with the things all elderly people need help with.

It's not that she's said she expects them to go into a home. Lots of people make that work well, but only an idiot would think that is all the help an elderly person needs.

Often what takes up a lot of time are the administrative and companionship tasks that you can't easily, or effectively, pay people do manage.

The OP sounds like she is a sociopath, not capable of normal caring relationships. (Though, I know a sociopath, he visited his mum every day when she was in hospital, because he knew it was part of his job and her care would suffer if no one did.)

If she does get to the stage where she can't walk to appointments in years to come, I cannot pop out of work for three hours plus to nip her to doctors or to the chemists to pick up prescriptions etc, take her to vets with the dog etc! I'm 45 and still work and will be working for many years to come! You obviously don't work and have nothing better to do if you go back and forth and that distance just to nip them somewhere? You can't expect everybody to do something that ridiculous! I don't have a job where I can just walk out to drive 45mins if traffic is good, nip her to an appointment and bring her back and then do 45 mins to an hour back again all on works time! At my fuel expense and £6 on bridge tolls each time! Very few workplaces could accommodate that!!! My mum wouldn't let me do that!

I hope you haven't got kids because your expectations are awful! You cannot demand to be this disruptive to your kids lives if you have any! You choose to live that far and drive that far, it doesn't make it something that everyone should have to break themselves to do! I can't move nearer my mother because it would put my partner and I took far from our office bases.

I am really surprised at how many people seem to think that if a care home, even a good one, is paid for, they take care of everything.

Helping out the elderly is not limited to letting people live with you and doing the physical care. That can be managed by dedicated professionals but there is still a lot of help required in most cases.

People just left in care do not do well.

Paints a very bleak future for those of us who don't have children or any other family.

But presumably a care home does:
. 24hr oversight
. personal care day to day
. laundry
. meals
. looking after medication
That's quite a lot off someone's plate.

They won't do finances.
They presumably don't buy new clothes if needed.
Nor buy birthday cards to be sent.

If in care, then the house can be sold / given up so no more house bills, maintenance etc required.

I don't know who organises things like haircuts, dentists, chiropodists?

To quote The Who 'Yeah, I hope I die before I get old'

Yes in different countries you are supposed to assist with elderly parents if possible, not a bad thing.

I used to think that the care home organised dentist, haircuts, etc. In my experience, they don't.

My mum was in respite when Dad was admitted to hospital and Mum had a broken arm. (I was working full time and she needed someone with her 24/7.)

I had to keep on top of hairdresser appointments. Podiatry care didn't happen, in spite of promises - I had to see to all that when she got home.

I went in to see her after work one night to find that she and all the other residents were sporting bright red nail polish - an 'activity' that day, apparently. Mum had tolerated it, but it's definitely not a colour she would have used. Not a big thing, but it was jarring.

Mum's clothes kept going missing - in spite of the fact that I'd said that I would wash them all and I'd labelled them.

One time I went in and found that Mum's comfort blanket - with Mum's initials embroidered on it by me in chainstitch had been given to another resident by a member of staff. (It clearly wasn't the home's.)

I've been told by folk whose parents were in long-term care that they gave up buying new clothing for them and started buying out of charity shops.