To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

Will you look after your partner if the time comes
or he you ? Just curious if that has crossed your minds and if you can detach from each other so easily -sad thread

Dont mean to be rude, but are you autistic because you have the same mind set as my brother who is. He dosent feel emotions so dosent understand what it would be like to be in another persons shoes. He evan went on holiday when my mum was laying in a hospital bed dying, so he wasnt there when she died. You are are coming across as a similar person to him, a person who cares for nobody but them selves. I get that you wouldnt want to give your parents any personal care, I wouldnt either, but to refuse to take them to appointments, or to be there emotionally, or evan vist them if they were feeling lonely, seems a bit harsh. I hope your husband will never become ill, for his sake

I'm guessing she sees that differently as she CHOSE her partner.

I don't think that's an autistic trait and I think a lot of posters will be pretty offended by this.

My support to my parents and inlaws will be limited. There are sibblings and their children (GC) who have been groomed into positions to help them out at a drop of a hat. They all have their eye on the inheritance!
my reasons are due to me, some years ago now, becoming over whelmed, upset and feeling burnt out with two kids and working and needing some more support to take the kids out for an occasional afternoon or back to their house ‘ oh darling of course you only have to ask’ happened once! I havnt forgotten. They are incredibly selfish people and I would go as far to say that, had I have known what terrible GP’s they actually were I would of stopped at one DC. When I explain to friends how little Interaction my DC have with GP’s they are quite shocked - we live 10 mins apart. They can blooming well get on with it - what goes around - the saying goes!

This is the issue. I’ve read a few of these threads now and am always surprised at the “stick them in a care home and forget about them” approach most people recommend. It’s hardly like they’re being sent to a five star hotel - some care homes are horrific, not to mention the abuse etc that occurs on occasion. I think a lot of people would probably prefer to die early than get stuck in one of those places.

Sorry wrong quote

I was wondering this too. My husbands friend has Asperger's and acted like this when his wife was dying. He left all his wife's care to his son and seemed utterly relieved when she passed away. He even stayed at his business premises during this time. His excuse was he didn't want to take any germs home to his wife. I got the impression he just didn't know how to cope. My granddaughter is neurodiverse too so I am not having a go at people on this spectrum.

Yes, my grandfather made it to 90. My mother - born in the 20s - did a lot of caring for him, his brother and my grandmother.

So you are looking after him. You are doing your bit and that is hard enough and commendable.

I want to make it clear that not all child free people think this way. In fact I find it abhorrent. As adults we do things that are hard sometimes. It’s ok. You might find it more rewarding than you can imagine. I found it a wonderful way to say goodbye to and make amends with my mother. We hshared some lovely moments. Not the same for everyone 8 know.

There's a big difference between providing personal care and making sure they're ok for everything else. For instance being an advocate when it comes to medical appointments can often be really important. Being able to tell a doctor that a symptom has come on suddenly or slowly can be a game changer for diagnosis. Or making sure they are eating well, able to shop/cook, that they are able to wash their clothes, change their beds and checking they aren't lonely. The care that the government provides in people's homes is severely limited, you would be staggered at how bad/limited it can be. That is not to denigrate the carers but they aren't allowed to do certain things and are really pushed for time... So unless they/you can afford private care, if it comes to it, expect your parents to struggle. No one "enjoys" having their life disrupted to provide care but everyone has different expectations of what they think is right, and having to live with how they behaved long after parents have passed away. I'd say not only is it important to talk things through honestly and practically with both sets of parents, but just as importantly with all siblings... because I guarantee if you decide you're doing nothing to help you're going to put someone's nose out of joint. I have been through it, my partner is going through it, my friends are going through it. It's a real game changer for family dynamics.

Certainly not.

Our mothers are 89 now and becoming frail. DH's sisters live abroad and I am an only. DH has visited his mother monthly since FIL died 17 years ago, every two to three weeks now. He co-ordinates her carers, they just go in once a day for a bit of company and to cook her lunch. She is still quite independent.

My mother has step but he is unwell too. There are a lot of hospital appointments and they need help with the digital nature of things. I am going part-time at the end of summer because I need to visit more.

My grandmother cared for her mother. My mother cared for my grandmother. It matters.

My SILs do bugger all. I judge.

Hence the word some.

I want to die with dignity and to be cared for by kind people. I am single. This thread confirms that people resent caring for the old and dying. Ageing is a terrifying prospect.

I wonder how many relatives are just going to request assisted dying at the first signs of mental decline. Oh well…

If people with mental decline actually addressed the issue and got in help they had saved for in advance of needing it, then they could be well looked after, not heading off to Dignitas which seems well beyond the capability of anyone I know with cognitive decline.

I admit to being frustrated with DF who has some memory issues but refuses to admit they are an issue and see the doctor about it, or allow me to organise some more help from the pots of money they have. It’s just about doable now, but I suspect within 6-12 months it will turn into the scenario where either I give up work or cut back if they will let me or force him into a home. Whereas if he got in some home care now, it could set up the foundations to increase that in the future.

I know I shouldn’t be angry, it’s not his fault that he doesn’t have capacity to figure this out, but it’s hard because it’s my life that is being impacted.

Some people are unable to save for years of care.

Don't help them if you can't be arsed,but don't come crying here when you've been left out of any inheritance, if you were expecting any.

Because, legally, unless you put your child up for adoption, parents are required to provide a minimum level of care for their children. If they don't do this, their children can be taken away and put into care and parents can even be prosecuted for neglect.

Not having children means that you are exempt from caring duties as there is no legal requirement for OP to care for her elderly parents or in-laws. You are perfectly entitled to think that OP is a dreadfully selfish and uncaring person, but if she chooses to exempt herself from caring for elderly relatives, she can do this with no legal consequences.

Changing curtains is a very specific task that surely old people don't do? Surely it only happens when people move house?
Off topic...

It's a complicated thing for some people, my dad died back in 2016 and my mum is now 74, so fat she's very independent still but even things like ferrying her to appointments if she ever needed it would be something I'd want to do but wouldn't be able to because she lives 72 mile round trip from me, my brother lives near her though.

Thing is I have to have boundaries with my mum, I spend a Saturday with her every ideally 3 weeks but I keep contact limited because I believe she has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder and her mentally abusive behaviour towards myself, my brother and aunt was hell for years after dad died. Some parents you sadly have to protect yourself from.

I agree with you. It is a privilege to help ps when they need it, but as you say, your mother had help with personal care, and you supplied the support. You are absolutely right, and my post doesn't argue with that.

My post concentrated on the need for the elderly to be independent and employ help in the home and personal care. The sooner they start doing that, the better for them, because they will fare better as they get older.

Usually when people get to needing help their children are in their 60s and desperate to keep their jobs to retirement.

I am not in that position, so perhaps I am wrong. Children should visit their parents and help them when needed, but that isn't the same as doing their housework and shopping and personal care. If people could do that and work, they will not be in work for long, would they?

Many elderly people do not have that help because they are saving money to leave to their children. They are reluctant to give it to strangers in exchange for help. That is a very real problem. Many hope that they will not need ultimate care and do not prepare for it.

You have contact with your daughter daily because she lives away from you, but would you really feel the same when you get to needing help and know she would have to give up her job to do it? Could she afford to do that?

Have you saved for your future, or for her's, so that you have something to leave her?

Wow!

Wow!

Have you encouraged her to pay for a home help? Do you know for sure she has a personality disorder? When people age they change and not always for the good. She is probably fed up living alone, and will eventually have to make use of you unless you do something about it now.

Only you can make some arrangement for a home help. DC have to convince their elderly relatives to spend their money and not expect them to do any more than visit.

Sounds as though she might qualify for AA. If she does, and receives it, make sure it is spent on someone to help her in the house. If you do not, her demands will grow.

You cannot do it all.