To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

That is great to hear. The world today is so harsh and cynical. Read what some people are writing on here.

The carers didn't really deserve to have everything in that woman's estate though. They were being paid for the job they were doing.

To disinherit family, because they wouldn't (and couldn't) drop everything in their busy lives and push their childrens needs and their own above yours, is a nasty, spiteful thing to do.

Sounds like that poster @Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet did the best thing distancing herself from that spite-filled resentful bitter relative.

A lot of people on here are saying that they’ll get the carers in but even with carers in place people still need their families around them. I reckon that we should all be conscripted to volunteer as carers once a week. It is actually rewarding to care and it’s important to place a value on the lives of the elderly. Otherwise we are inhuman.

Someone said to me once "you can end up living the rest of their life, instead of your own" and I think if your parents thought of it like that, they wouldn't expect you to do it.

I plan to do nothing for my parents. Non contact with both.

Why is it spite? Maybe she was just very grateful to the carers. At least they were doing the job! Why should she and all her kids get it? She made her choice to make her own immediate family the priority and do nothing to help her aunt when she needed her most and that was the response. Tough luck. This thread is wild-anyone childless who does this is a selfish narc but parents are selfless for putting their own families first?

I’m not and this comment relates to a discussion further up thread.

It depends on how selfish you are planning on being. If you don't care and don't want to help, it won't affect you at all.

I agree.
y
just as the poster couldn’t help the relative, the relative couldn’t help the poster by leaving money. Funny how this freedom of choice works for some and not others.

Ensure you have Power of Attorney for both Personal and Finance and Health and Welfare. That way you can make the important decisions when parents become incapable. My dad - 94 with dementia - has been in a care home since mum died nearly 4 years ago. No way could I look after him but I visit him and deal with the finances for his care.

@greenwichvillage i wish it was like this here. Luckily my family are very close and my husband is just as caring towards my parents as I am. We’re so individualistic here, the selfishness generally gets to me daily. We’re not taught to care for one another, it’s sad.

I understand your fear. And the honest answer is yes it does take over. it’s hard and cruel especially to watch a family member with dementia or other slow decline. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy and will make provisions to ensure I will take care of my own final chapter rather than need to rely on the martyrdom of someone else.

let’s be honest - it’s easy to say you should step up when it’s not the real life day to day reality for posters here.

asking opinions and deciding to set boundaries at the start of this chapter is in my opinion very very wise and will save you heartache & make it clear for all parties involved.

@yoyo1234 thats completely understandable though. If you have a poor or non-existent relationship then it stands that you’re not going to be caring for them.

Gosh, this post has really upset me. Surely we have a duty of care to one another. One post stood out, a woman had been a member of a church congregation for 60 years, when no one visited her, her daughter approached the vicar to complain at the neglect of their parishioner. He said it was not his remit. Here is part of the declaration a curate makes when they are ordinated.
They are to work with their fellow members in searching out the poor and weak, the sick and lonely and those who are oppressed and powerless.
Yes it is his remit.

Yep. Posters are always saying there is no expectation of inheritance but how dare a childless aunt deprive a mother and her children. She must be a bitter spiteful old hag! 🙄

To answer quite specifically, I did not do any personal care for parents or PIL, I thought it would distress them and lack dignity for them. As all three had dementia I did accompany them to appointments, advocate for them where necessary, push for the help they required alongside being a visitor/company etc.
In two cases medical emergencies meant getting them into residential care happened automatically. In one case we had a prolonged period of responding to emergency call outs, crisis management and pushing for a care place.
I would not have agreed to anyone being moved into my home. I will do everything I can to avoid my children or grandchildren having their final memories and relationships with me the same as mine are of my parents.
You need to decide what you will and will not do. You must in fairness communicate this to all the parents and parents in law as soon as possible to allow them to plan how they will arrange for their own care. You may need to make some legal decisions, you should probably not become power of attorney for any of them! Can you opt out of being next of kin?

My mother was never an easy woman ,but when my dad died we had to care for her. One day she developed a uti and was admitted to hospital by her gp. We raced over to the hospital to visit her. I will never forget what we saw. My mother was in a bed soaked with urine, the mattress, the blanket, her night clothes. She was oblivious to this and was eating her lunch. Someone had dumped the food on this stinking bed. If we had not been there to advocate on her behalf, how long would she have lain there in her filthy bed.
Without an advocate a person with dementia is at the mercy of this over stretched system.
That's what happens when an elderly parent has no one to look out for them.

Ironically, I am someone who spent 21 years of my young adulthood caring for a disabled parent. It absolutely ruined my life. I never finished uni, don’t have a career, never got married, haven’t been on vacation in decades, etc. I’m 43 now and completely directionless. I can’t say I’d “recommend” choosing to be a caregiver for an elderly or disabled parent.

My dad had an accident and it was unexpected, and it happened when I was 18. I spent two decades of my life as his caregiver along with my mother and sister. I can say it absolutely did wreck me, physically and emotionally.

But I loved my father, as OP seems not to love theirs, or at least not as strongly as I loved my father. I wouldn’t have chosen anything else but to care for him. I held his hand as he died; I was the only one who stayed at his bedside the night he was finally dying.

Regret is the worst thing in this existence. Grief fades. Pain fades. Regret does not. Regret is fucking eternal.

I am so very glad I don’t have to live the rest of my life regretting that I didn’t help care for my dad, or regretting that I didn’t get to say goodbye, or regretting that I wasn’t there when he died.

OP can do as they will, but regret will be an absolute bitch, unless they truly are as disconnected from the general slew of typical human emotions and empathy as they seem to be.

100% agree with this! You don’t really understand the sacrifices of your parents unto you yourself become a parent. Don’t be selfish, they need you as much as you needed them.

How well off are they? If they can afford it - ie if they have state and private pensions, try to encourage them to spend some of it on a home help.

Now there is a new job title - housekeeping carer - which combines two roles and allows the retired to have just one person. A lot of carers are not very keen on the title, but it will become more well known.
If they can find a home help privately, someone self employed, it will be far more beneficial to them that the occasional spare time from children.

It has been proven, that with private help in the home from a cleaner who is prepared to do the odd bit of care when they can, that it keeps retired people out of hospital.

Domiciliary care given by social services is inadequate, unfair, and expensive - and unnecessary. Why there is so much talk about 'care in the community' on the news and in Parliament is weird, really, because whoever provides it, it is not free, and social workers use agencies anyway, and you have to pay the LA administration costs.

The reason why the very elderly are suffering is because they did not employ home helps when they first retired, and leave it too late.

Children do not have to look after their elderly relatives so much nowadays, if they have a private pension as well. You must persuade your Ps and ILs of this if you know they can afford it. It is another matter if they are on Pension Credit. I don't know if there are care benefits for the elderly whose income is low.

Wow! I read the above with increasing dismay and sadness . My parents loved and cared for me, did without things for me and never expected anything in return. Ever. They were not well off so money didnt come into it. I loved them dearly. I wanted share the last years of their lives as I had when they were younger: its a privilege not a chore. They were independent people but everyone needs support , someone to talk to, to laugh with often and to cry with from time to time. I would have preferred not to give my mother personal care (and she’d have hated it) but I made sure her care was compassionate and effective. Even at a distance. Yes, its going to take time - but you get back what you put in. And to sit with her while she died was not my duty - it was an immense privilege. My daughter doesnt live near me but I can chat problems over with her. I know that if I fell ill she would drop everything and come as I would go to her. And I dont expect it. We all love, care for, and support each other. Yes we fall out, we dont agree with everything others in the family do - but that's normal. We’re far from angels ….but the bottom line is thatwe love each other . Id do the same for my close friends too . AIBU..? When did reasonable = love?

My GM lived to 94 not all of the pre-war generation died in their 70's. DM spent a lot of her late 50's and 60's caring for her.

If they have the funds, there's no problem- organise it like you would at work.
I won't lie, you will be judged by relatives and others, if you never do anything to practically help your parents, but I expect you realise that.
Your parents may feel that you are being selfish, especially if they have friends who have children who are more involved (highly likely).
Good idea not having children- if you don't have any they can't disappoint you.

We just did some local research and rang up the care agency . They came round and we said what was needed.
personal care
domestic care etc

the carers are amazing. They come four hours a day . Two in the morning one at lunchtime one in the evening.
they do breakfast lunch and dinner .
they can take them to appointments
or out for walks to a cafe etc you can add needs in .
they also clean out bins, put phones on charge hearing aids on charge hot water bottle on charge mums oxygen on charge. They can look after feet, do gentle exercise, put out bins etc leave parents with enough liquid and snacks in the fridge .
It’s about £32 an hour but it’s double on bank hols .

I don’t live near mum and dad so I’m not able to help and they didn’t want to move .

both have been in hospital and then nursing homes to get them well ( that is bonkers expensive but had to be done) both now live at home with the care. We pay for the extra time so they get great care no rush or mess .

their house is now immaculate.
they get hoovered and cleaned nearly everyday . Sheets changed every week or more . Sponges towels changed twice a week washing and ironing done when needed.
they look neat and clean.
they have a gardener two hours every fortnight. mainly grass and weeds.

the first step is hard but if you have a local Facebook or nextdoor group ask for recommendations for companies. Companies are good because they have office back up and options if something goes wrong .

also there is an app so you can see what’s happened on each visit . Plus their care plan and any daily concerns like “ not putting slippers on properly “ 😂 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

hope this helps.

my dad is 98 still very coherent, bouncy and with it although does have terminal cancer.
my mum 89 just out of the nursing home after sepsis heart pneumonia etc etc . Less mobile and now unfortunately less with it . Been married 70 years still squabbling .

You sound hard-faced. Do you feel affection for anyone?