To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

But you called op a twat and said you’ll be ashamed of her if she was your child. So if you have such a strong reaction like that as to personally attack her it’s fair to ask why doesn’t the mother in law live with you. Surely that would be better all round than just getting carers in?

I really didn't. Go check my posts.

That wasn't @WearyAuldWumman I don't think

For the record, my MIL was deceased before I met my husband...

You’re right my mistake

I'll add that my own mother had carers in her home (for longer than I would have liked, I'll admit) until I was able to organise an extension with accessible accommodation for her in my own home.

I then organised paid carers for the daytime care and did the evening and night-time care myself. I did all of my husband's care myself.

My mistake op I quoted you by mistake.

That’s not always the case.

Plenty of stories where the adult child who stuck around and helped and/or did the most for their elderly parents was given lesser than other siblings or nothing at all.

Also, many adult children aren’t and don’t expect to inherit anything in the first place and some parents tell them upfront that they won’t be.

Not hopeless as a nation, it's just certain people who vote selfishly and not socially. That's why your parents have to pay for their own care.

They raised you the very least you could do is help them , you are extremely selfish

Personally both my parents and in-laws know they can rely on me to do the admin and organising, but the line is drawn very firmly at care/ errand running being a taxi service. I am quite happy to deal with organising care homes or drop in carers and keeping an eye on the quality of such care. I am happy to deal with finances/ make calls, work with social workers/socialcare teams etc, but again I will not be doing the caring.

I am a very practical person with good organisational skills but we all have our boundaries.

When my friend's parents became old ansd needed help, her sister, who had been a nurse, moved away and didn't contact her parents again, leaving my friend to do the caring.

I’ve recently been spending more time with my 90year old grandfather and actually I’d say it’s spot on, he’s very hard of hearing so using the phone is a bit of a nightmare and has just been registered as severely sight impaired, so he certainly can’t jump on the internet and do an Ocado shop, he has to get taxis everywhere and can only walk a few hundred yards, on top of that he struggles to use the cash point because of his sight and can’t read his bank statements so barely knows how much money is in his account. He is completely vulnerable …. He spent his whole life taking care of others, worked 3 jobs to support his family and now they all live far away (they moved not him) and without help from the neighbours and me doing his shopping he quite literally wouldn’t cope. Never complains though.

You don’t have to do anything. I was never the caring type and visited my parents when old. My husband has had a stroke so I now look after him (including personnel care) I was dragged screaming to it but I arrange help, respite care and it works but I wouldn’t do it for anyone else. And I don’t expect anyone else to do it for him. He has 3 children, 1 will help out occasionally and is happy doing so, the other 2 don’t and that’s fine. As long as they visit that’s the key thing. It gets lonely for both of us sometimes. I’m younger than him so statistically it’s more likely I’ll end up in my own and the only thing I would like them to help with is organising things if I start loosing it. Otherwise I’ll pay for help.

Pretty screwed I would say. The world of care provision can be quite hazardous if there is no one overseeing or advocating when necessary. Main task is to get everybody involved so any issues, responsibilities or tasks are shared.

That's awful, she obviously had a complete lack of understanding on what you already had on your plate. How on earth did she think you'd be getting there on PT and pregnant? Thirty odd years thrown away, that's sad @Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet

My parents moved abroad 20 years ago now 78 and 82 with no plans to come back. They’ve had lots of health issues but healthcare there is great. Not sure what will happen when one of them passes away though.

I had good intentions towards my parents despite how I was treated by them, I was conditioned to accept being their carer. Then gradually I realised I didn't have to put up with the way I've been treated by them, mum died years ago but my dad ( now 92) although good for his age and fairly active has had several hospitalisations,and then had major tantrums because I won't take over his care. Over the years he has sneered, ignored & belittled me, and I'd had enough. I'm low contact with him now; I'll ring an ambulance for him but that's all. He's destroyed any confidence i had, and my self esteem. So no, I won't be caring for him.

I think it’s mean to not want to help our your parents. They raised you and looked after you . You can get carers in but they may need some help organising this. I looked after my mother in law for 4 years when she had dementia and was happy to help out. We managed to keep her in her own home til she died aged 95.

But by that argument they chose to have you and therefore chose to do those things.

If it is your in laws, then make crystal clear that it will be your DH doing all their care and that you won’t be able to « favor them » as you won’t be doing it with your parents.

I am pretty sure if it aren’t falling into your lap, your DH won’t be expected to pick up the load and it will be passed onto « paid help ».

People are so demanding of DIL with no talk or appreciation of their own ideas…

Simply incredible attitude. Your life ruined?

If everything has to be done by carers the money they have saved won't last long. Then what ? The rest of use have to pay towards the care because you don't want to get your hands dirty?
Perhaps people who refuse to help care for elderly relatives could pay more tax towards the cost of care.
Those of us who do the gardening, take the bin out because its too heavy for them to do, do odd jobs round the house, take to appointments etc could pay less tax.

This country is in a mess

I take back what I said. It was very stupid and harsh of me to generalise.

Lived with us. Had carers come. Then moved to say with her daughters. Now sadly is in heaven.