To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

Why isn’t your DH mum living with you if she needs help? Chucking money at a situation isn’t really the help op was on about.

What’s your plan?

We are in a similar position, but with my DB and I being around 1.5 hours away each. Currently we both visit fortnightly to help, and carers come in each morning to help DM get dressed. My parents and my sibling and I are agreed that this is sustainable, but more than a couple of nights each fortnightly would not be.
DB and I have divided responsibilities so he deals with larger long term more complicated tasks (affairs quite complex) and I do day to day, and we both do appointments. It is working pretty well so far.

Lets face it... those of us with children...most of us at least . didn't give birth to them thinking they would look after us in our old age...

I mean... its not a primary consideration...

Depends on the situation, but old people’s home or if it’s a serious health illness I’ll be telling everyone bye

If they went as British citizens abroad in retirement they probably had a working lifetime of contributing to the UK economy. Then there's the 20 year gap where they didn't take anything out of the system.

Meanwhile Dennis and Barbara from number 30 were at the docs every week getting their treatments for various self inflicted illnesses

As pensioners dont pay NI what specifically is it you think that's wrong with these people returning?

There is a middle ground between sacrificing everything to wipe another person's bum and leaving an incapacitous person to whatever the government of the day feels like providing for them that deserves a bit of thought, I feel

Advanced old age often requires a high level of help and the optimal solution would be to get as many people involved as possible - adult children and carers. However the most common problem is that many elderly people will refuse any help that is not provided by the adult daughter (assuming there is one) and will actively obstruct and fight off any other form of help. They will assume sons are too busy and too important to run errands for them, that's not the kind of son they want. They will not want outsiders as carers as that to them signifies 'the end' and also they can't treat the carers they way they treat their daughters as they would never come back. Possibly being childless/daughterless helps people to realise at an earlier stage that they have to plan thier own care- though with all the variables it's not easy !

That's a huge generalisation @Ssffa
I'm white British, and my husband and I cared for my lovely FIL until he died at nearly a 100, helped my father care for my terminally ill mother and now he's ill and in a care home, I visit him regularly. Lots of people do exactly the same as this for their parents, relatives and friends but don't advertise it. Being white and British doesn't equate to being heartless!

This exactly. I work in adult social care and know that there are all sorts of complex family relationships but most people who are part of loving family units will want to in some way help their parents out.

Most people don't have the sort of transactional relationships that are seen here on MN that parents can only expect support for example if they completey sacrifice their retirement to childcare to their children. People help out because they don't want to see those that they love left to fend for themselves if they are in a vulnerable state. Exceptions aside, most children have bonds to their parents and wouldn't want to see them completey abandoned.

And I'm not talking about taking on a full time carer role. I've seen the damage this does to people through work and it's not something I'd be willing to do or have my children do but I'd absolutely make sure I advocated for my parents, make sure they have the right support and health care in place, take on power of attorney, visit them etc.

As for my own children, them providing care for me wasn't even a consideration in having them. No one knows what the future holds and I would never expect them to care for me or give up their life too. However if there was a point where I needed care and was struggling or unable to look after myself, then I would hope they would advocate for me and visit me wherever I end up. Not because I expect it of them but because they have been brought up in a loving family unit which supports each other through difficult times. I can't think any parent would like to think their children would just completey forget about them as they get older.

Imagine if you said a slur about an asian person and openly admitted it.

That's good that you don't worry. May I ask what your plan is, please? Mine is to move to a retirement village which has different levels of care available. It will cost a fortune though.

Retirement plans are to carry on as normal. If anything happens where my husband and I couldn’t cope then a care home if it’s terminal illness then assisted dying. I believe in quality of life not quantity.

So the stroppy teenager is right. It’s entirely a selfish and biological need/drive to have a child.

Every single post you have made on this and other threads makes reference to you being an only child and of this "terrifying" prospect of old age. I'm not sure what hoi being an only child has anything to do with old age. You're making a massive assumption you would have had a sibling, who would have had children and that those children would have supported you in your old age.

I meet many older people who don't have families. I've yet to come across any who lead this terrifying life you seem to think they do nor have they spent their whole adult life, quivering in fear of their old age and throwing themselves a massive pity party. They have been out there living their lives and building connections through their communities. I've yet to meet anyone who is truly alone in the sense you keep going on about. Most have support in some sense whether it be through communities or friends.

You make reference to have a partner so you are already not "alone" and unless you plan to spend the next 40 years locked in your house, in fear of old age then it's highly unlikely you'll be without support. We can't change not having siblings or children but you can change your mindset and how you react to it. You seem to have decided you're already going to live this lonely, terrifying life in old age when in fact it's entirely in your power to change this.

Rather harsh.

Is it though. I recognise this poster and 99% of this posters posts over the past few years have either been a) throwing herself a massive pity party of being an only child and b) this catastrophising about old age. And wading on to threads wanting advice on her own insecurities. Apart from post after post wanting reassurance, there's no indication of anywhere that she has done anything to change her mindset or address her anxiety. She seems stuck on this relentless cycle of constantly seeking reassurance which is obviously isn't helping.

As I said there are certain things we can't change in life and but we can change how we react and plan for them and apart from the constant pity party, there's no evidence the poster has done this.

The person also needs to accept care as well. My MIL has dementia and needs more care that FIL can provide. FIL is now in hospital with recurring UTIs and MIL in respite care in in a nursing home. Previously they had carers in but cancelled them. DH and I live 500 miles away and DH has multiple health condition as well so are not always able to do things that can't be sorted by phone / online. Chasing SW is always fun. MIL refused to see us for 2 years and is resisting any suggestions of care and accusing FIL of wanting rid of her - its a difficult situation and people need POA etc before they start showing signs of dementia....

Over on the elderly parents board it is really common for them to reject care and put adult children in a really difficult position.

I agree, but there are other posters who earlier on this thread have stated how worried they are to be aging without family, so I am certainly not alone in my worries.

I have actually done a great deal in building my 'network' in recent years. I think it's just seeing other people say that they worry about it too, that kind of 'validates' in my mind that I should worry too.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement about "White British". Don't take opinions that you read online as being indicative of the mindset of this particular population as a whole.

I suggest you just ignore her.

If I understand correctly, the OP is refusing any kind of help - that includes administrative tasks and contributing financially.

Well, you can live your life, and do as you like. But, they may well, if they have any wealth, leave anything they have, to those that did help them.🤷‍♀️👍

This old chestnut!

I am an only DC and on paper my very elderly DPs are wealthy.Honestly I would rather every penny of their savings went on care for them, rather than being expected to provide more than I currently am, and just to be straight I am not like OP and do provide what support I can.

Money is great, sacrificing your 50s/60s for a promised pot of gold is a fool’s errand. People do what they can for their DPs because they are decent people, not because they want inheritance.