To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

I know what will exactly happen when I am older.

Either you’re delusional or you’ve got a remarkably accurate crystal ball.

My DB absolutely stepped up to the plate when my mum’s dementia kicked in.

How fucked are your parents and PILs if you leave literally everything to ASC and just turn up to say hello? Very fucked, OP. I had a very compos mentis, independently-minded, well-funded father in law and he still needed some light touch support to find a live-in carer and to get equipment delivered. As you get older it is harder to get decision-makers to listen to you if you don't have support.

I also had a mother who became very clingy and dependent as she developed chronic disability. I did do some personal care and would not do that again, but she really could not cope with the admin and could not advocate for herself, especially as she started to lose capacity (she ended up in a care home with Alzheimer's). If I hadn't been there the council would have had her at home sitting in her own shit waiting for carers three times a day with a rapidly developing bedsore. I promise you that's true as even with me involved (and I am a pretty forceful and well-informed person) I had to threaten to sue them to get her adequate care, and then they were constantly trying to move her to less able care homes even after their first crappy choice left her with bone exposed in her spine. It was only my intervention that stopped the hospital that treated that bedsore and made a safeguarding referral about it sending her back to that home when she was discharged. ASC have no money and make terrible dysfunctional decisions because of that. My relationship with my mother was very strained in her last decade but I wouldn't have left a complete stranger unsupported in her situation.

This is what everyone who's depressed thinks, OP

She can go to Canada. Easy enough to get signed up for MAID there 😉

I didn't burst into tears or anything. I just saw how shitty some people can be and it made me remember how much my parents have done for.

I think it's a thing about cultures Asians look after and respect their parents and believe in family. White British - "it's all me me me. Who cares about parents and family?"

Obviously I'm only talking about the cases where the parents aren't abusive or anything. But even if I don't physically do the changing, I'll help my parents financially in old age. I'm not just going to let them suffer and fend for themselves.

I really don't understand what you're getting at. Retired people who move abroad are likely to have paid exactly the same amount of tax and NI as everyone else in the UK. Should they return, they are entitled to the same level of care/healthcare as anyone else.

It’s good to let DPs be as independent as they can be. Mine still organise their own chiropody appointments,DF just about manages a Morrisons online order at age 91 and DM recently bed bound organises an ambulance to take her to medical appointments.

It may sound callous that I don’t do it, but I live an hour away and work full time. I know there will be a time I will have to do it, so best not to create extra work until I need to.

For all those saying they will have plans for all situations so as not to be a burden, well that’s great until you are actually old and firstly may have declining mental abilities and memory issues and secondly are in a state of denial about how much help you actually need.

I anticipate my next year or so will be rocky until DPs accept the inevitable and go into a home. They may choose not to, and my role at that point is to a) keep advocating that they get in more paid care (they can afford it) and b) outside of emergencies where obviously I would step it up, continue to provide the level of visits and support that I am able to based on my commitments, capacity and without impacting my physical or mental health. That may sound harsh, and I am certainly not the OP in terms of refusing to do anything, but I had to accept very quickly that I must put myself first or I won’t be able to help anyone.

Oh and if only money was enough to help my DPs, we all have enough of it - me only if I keep working.

But no it has to be me who changes my DPs sheets and sorts out their paperwork. DF started muttering about the garden, but I suggested he contact the people who mow the lawn to do some extra weeding etc. It could be worse, my DF has got herself into the situation where her DF will only accept his breakfast from her, so she has effectively sacrificed her 50s for her DPs. There is a hint of martyrdom around that choice, I am pragmatic about these things and not terribly sentimental or self sacrificial, I do as much as I need to to feel I have discharged my duty as an only DD and decent human being.

You’ve made an assumption that she’s white British, the op didn’t disclose her nationality or background as well as make racist comments about white British people. If you want to do that for your parents that’s fine but not everyone wants to hence this thread.

But, you don't have a crystal ball. Ever heard of the phrase: The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. None of us has a certificate to say what we, those around us, or indeed the world will do or be like even in a month's time. We can in reality only live for today and, if we are lucky, part of the foreseeable future.

I don’t listen to phrases that hold no fact or truth. You’re right I have no idea what will happen to me in the future which is why I have plans in place if and when something does happen. It’s basic common sense to plan, for example most people will have a pension, life insurance, funeral cover and a will.

To answer your original post, I think it's reasonable for you to live your life the way you choose, and I don't believe you can be forced into a caring role by the authorities, so just carry on as you are, and refuse any pressure.
I won't be doing as much for my parents as my mum did for hers, my choice and my reasons.
Life is ridiculous and pointless, but for me that makes it all the more wonderful, and makes me spend time doing things I enjoy.

Yes and I can and will make a value judgement on people just blatantly disregarding their parents in old age. If there's lingering abuse or whatever I understand. But to blatantly to just say "you're on your own" is horrible.

Openly admitting you judge people because of their nationality and colour of their skin is something you should probably keep to yourself. Like I said you don’t know she’s white British, so why do you think all white British people don’t care for their parents in old age?

They are grown adults. It's up to them to sort out their care arrangements. It's not a child's responsibility. If you don't wish to be involved then don't get involved. Of course only you know your parents/your in-laws and whether they have expressed the belief and expectation that you both will be helping them - if that's the case then you should manage their expectations to make sure that it's quite clear that they cannot and should not be relying on you to assist them. Of course it's actually their responsibility to sort themselves out regardless, but sadly there are people out there who have kids because they want caregivers later in life, and they expect children to look after them in old age whether they will to do so or not.

Of course this works both ways: if you don't want to be involved with them then don't expect them to do anything for you.

Highly inappropriate to be making assumptions about a person's race, nationality, ethnicity. You would be annoyed if people assumed if people made assumptions about you based on your ethnicity/race/skin colour etc so why are you doing that about other people? This is a thread about one particular person (and their partner) and their potential interaction with their parents. There is NOTHING in the original post that gives you any information whatsoever from which to make any assumptions about race/ethnicity/colour etc etc. For all you know they are from India, they are using google translate because English isn't their first language, and they are Black.

Stop making assumptions. And just because you feel an obligation to look after your parents in their old age does not mean that's an obligation shared by others. I, for example, would never dream of expecting my kids to put their lives on hold to look after me in my old age! I want them to enjoy their lives, not to be lumbered with caring for me - that's what properly trained nurses and care staff are for.

I think you sound like a complete twat, OP. Massively selfish.

Even if people can self-fund good care, they still typically need help as they age. Things like helping organise banking, helping visit the doctor, or discussing medical information, keeping track of pension things, buying new socks of the kind they happen to like, keeping an eye on care home staff to make sure things are being done properly.

With an attitude like you have I imagine you will find yourselves alone in the care home at the end with no one to look out for you, and it will be entirely of your own making.

But that’s the point, she doesn’t want kids and
would hate for them to feel like she’s relying on them.

OP obviously does care about what happens because she has asked how screwed her parents and in-laws will be if she doesn't help out at all as they get older. She hasn't asked people to tell her she's got the right not to do anything, she's asked how hard it's likely to be for them if she doesn't. That's why my response above was an answer to that question. I think people telling OP she's entirely justified are missing the point as much as the ones who are telling her she's selfish.

I think that's something sadly all of us face if we can't have or don't want children. I dread it 😞

I do agree OP is a twat for being someone who'll complete disregard their parents and would just "slink away" in a post apocalyptic society if their parents needed help. I'd be ashamed to have OP as a child.

We had carers come and help DH's mum. We didn't just abandon her. My DMum lives with eldest DBro and is still helping with cooking and the house.

This has been a thought provoking thread with vastly differing views from doing nothing to help to giving up your own life to help.
My mum is in her late 80s and has dementia, thankfully not too bad yet, and my dad aged nearly 90 looks after her. He is as sharp as a tack but physically not great. Neither need care at the moment apart from lifts to appointments.
He was ill last week in bed and mum forgot to get lunch and as I happened to call I made her some. It really brought it home that if anything happened to my dad that mum would need help immediately. Physically she is strong but she would need someone around to keep an eye on her.

This thread has helped me see that whilst I can’t give up my own life (husband, grown up kids and grandchildren take up time) there are so many ways I could help. Organise day centres and later more care, food shops, sort bills, spend time. Moreover I need to get my siblings on board, all live locally, as it’s clear that one person doing everything is unsustainable and breeds resentment

Im sorry you feel that way. But I don’t feel like that. If I can’t manage in my old age my husband will look after them and vice versa, if we both can’t manage then we have a plan in place.

IRL, there is quite a lot of middle ground between doing absolutely nothing or dramatically martyring yourself.
My young adult DD does stuff for her gran without all this drama.