To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

fanmepls · Today 16:17
OPs post said "old people who move abroad in retirement". Suggesting that they've moved abroad after they retired from 40+ years of working and paying tax and NI contributions.
Loads of people move abroad because it's cheaper though.
There is no role that anyone retired here or abroad has paid 40 years of tax & NI! 😆

What are you blethering about @fanmepls ?
Most people who retire at state pension age will have paid 40+ years of tax and NI.
NI is payable by employed or self employed workers from age 16 until state retirement age (currently 66).
Basic arithmetic not your thing? 😆

I hear you OP
I’m an only child to shit parents.
To everyone my Mum is lovely and everyone considers me the doting daughter that’s going to swoop in and sort everything; but it’s only very recently dawned on me after my Mum has had several health issues that I’m a fucking mug.
I’ve been picking up the pieces when she never parented me at all. It’s exhausting.
You do you

I've had disagreements with mum and dad growing up but to me they'll always be my family and I'll stick with them. I won't wipe my hands off them when they age. I'll be there for them

I think it's quite understandable if anyone says they don't want to do personal care for their parents. Most parents would hate it as well. But the thing is when someone needs personal care they often need someone next to them, a friend to them, who helps them. They need someone to talk to about pads, about the incontinence nurse and how to cope in the middle of the night. It doesn't mean a person has to actually do the physical care but to have someone by your side when you're at such a low point is really invaluable. To leave someone you love to deal with it on their own is really horrible.

Wow. I just read this and I my first thought is what a horrible person you are.

I'm grateful for my parents and all they've given me. Noone asks to be born, but I'd rather be alive than dead.

Yes it is. She felt abandoned.

@Fragmentedbrain I don't think you can go to Dignitas just because you're old. I think you have to be terminally ill.

I may be wrong about this, but I'm getting the impression that you don't necessarily have a picture of all the ranges of ability etc that can apply in an old age.

Nevertheless, I am kind of glad of your post although it's weirded me out a bit. It's made me realise how much mental progress I've made in looking after my mum and that's a really good thing.

i'm also wondering what you're like as a friend, but I imagine you're going to say you don't have friends and don't want them, etc.

Even if I don't physically do the caring for my DParents. I'll obviously help them financially when I can. They've done so much for me

To go to Dignitas you can't have dementia or anything that means your not cognisant of what you're doing. And it costs about £15 000. (Just looked it up). Not a way out everyone can take.

Compassion?

I know many elderly people who claimed they would go to Dignitas but none ever have.
I take claims of going to Dignitas with a pinch of salt. Especially on MN.

You can go to Dignitas if you have:

• a disease which will lead to death (terminal illness), and/or
• an unendurable incapacitating disability, and/or
• unbearable and uncontrollable pain.

None of that covers old age and you don’t have capacity if you have dementia.

OP can’t go to Dignitas as she has a fragmented brain, poor love

Dignitas has accepted people with early-stage dementia for assisted dying providing they meet specific criteria, including the capacity to make a reasoned decision.

Obviously this mean that the person needs to go early enough to meet these criteria, which may be earlier than they would like.

Basically it's not simple to unselfishly trot off to Dignitas the moment you decline. I am always baffled by the number of people claiming they will do it.

You’d be surprised. My FIL and DF are 82, there isn’t a chance in hell they could do an online shop.

The irony of calling someone a horrible person for having an opinion would also make you a horrible person

Huge generalisation about men. I have found that men have always treated me the way I allowed them to. And, I am old so have been around the block many times. Each man is an individual, some good, some bad. Your attitude to love is questionable. It is the glue that creates happy situations, love of whatever from your cat, to your garden, to your first love. Hedonism is not the be all and end all of life. One day you will need to face the mirror and realise that everything has a price and no matter how long you try to stave off paying that price, that final demand will one day land on your front door mat.

OP I agree, do what you like. I think it’s very selfish to have kids then expect them to look after you when you’re older. If you can’t manage to sort out the plans for care when you’re older then that’s on you.

Ever been there? Widowed, dementia, incontinence, immobility, serious chronic illness? You are going to have a wake up call one day.

They have a horrible opinion. I'll call them out on it. Because of this thread I called my mum and told her how grateful I am for the support they've given me in life.

Men don't provide on love. DH has provided for me and our DC since marriage. He looked after his elderly DParents as well financially.

Which is exactly why you need to start making plans at middle age or before. Children should have no obligations to help. If they want to fine. But they should not be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed. Luckily I’ve jade plans do I know what will exactly happen when I am older. More people should try it.

You think they have a horrible opinion, many people don’t. If a thread is making you this emotional that you needed to call your own mother you may need to step away from the thread.

So glad I am Asian with all this " I didn't ask to be born" moaning.