To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

OP I wouldn't like to be inside your head, not one little bit. It's probably quite hard being you.
I imagine if someone fell in the street and was dazed and needed help up or help to a bench, you would just step right over them.

Meh! You do it because it makes you feel good, that's all.
ah op, just hugs to you x

Do you have money? The way we did it was that I bought DM a house near my DSis and she dropped in daily.

I’m not the OP but I really relate to them. I think the world is largely a terrible place (because of what us humans have done to it) and no, I don’t find it remotely enjoyable or worthwhile doing anything that doesn’t positively impact me personally. I think most people do it because it makes them feel good about themselves, not because of the impact on other people. There’s no such thing as true altruism.

Why by your sister and not by you?

Has somebody been feeding Claude an exaggerated amount of Nihilism?

There’s no such thing as true altruism.

Of course there is. I’m sorry your life hasn’t included it.

I think some people have had a touch of the sun 🌞

Because they are a troll just trying to create arguments and waste people's time. Ever answer is the same nihilistic attitude that is meant to make everyone else feel stupid for caring and making an effort.

I can find it rewarding to help others out when they are in need. I spent a month looking after my friend's dc when her dh was in hospital and she had to be by his bedside. Last week I drove 400 miles to help a friend who was in desperate need. I volunteer in my local community.

However, when my dp (who didn't live particularly close) were calling on me multiple times a day, getting themselves into crisis situations, and refusing to accept any other help - no, there was nothing rewarding about it. Nothing at all. There was no happiness. And even now that they have died I can still feel resentment that my support for my own dc was impacted during that long period.

Not true,

I am an adult social worker,

I have supported quite a few elderly people who have come back to the UK, in older age. One told me, he came back to "die"

LA have a duty to provide care for older people, they are very well protected and safeguarded group in this country.

The purpose of life is to find enjoyment. Well, I disagree, yet I can see how it may appear that way when you observe the world around you. However, I assure you that there is rest for your soul and a peace that transcends all understanding. Enjoyment alone will not bring you deep fulfilment. I challenge you to read the Bible over the course of a year, keeping an open mind and heart.

Ummm....

I think that needs a qualifier of "in theory" given the pressure on services and lack of funding.... and various interpretations of "safeguarding" and "protection".

No, I think you judge everyone else by your own standard, ie, any care given, ever, is purely to make the giver feel good about themselves.

It doesn't work like that. Much of the time when you're giving a lot of care it's a world of pain, physically, mentally and emotionally, that you know will only end with more and different pain, but you do it because the comfort and safety of the person you love outweighs that.

My mum died when I was young but I’ll absolutely do anything I can to help my dad when he needs it - he’s 77 and still fit as a fiddle so unsure when/if he’ll need the help! He has always been there for me and still is now. To me it’s what family is all about

So scary for those of us who can't have children. I am also an only child, so no nieces or nephews or other family. I will be totally on my own. All I can hope for it to have a good friend. I would certainly help other people out, but it's really scary to think I may have nobody.

This thread has been so depressing.
I'm beginning to think OP is a troll.

To try to cheer this miserable thread up a bit.

My grandmother was very rarely ill but in her 60s had to have major surgery. My (darling) grandfather, born 1893 and a WW1 veteran was a practical and competent man in many ways but the extent of his domestic ability was making a cup of tea.

When asked what he would do if Nan died, which didn't seem unlikely, he calmly said "I can drink myself to death in 6 months" (he liked a drink but no suggestion ever to excess)

OP would possibly approve.

Both of them went on to live much longer and he went first, but I have no doubt that he was serious (although he would have been cared for, because he was lovely)

I know of a couple of instances where a widower did exactly as suggested by your grandfather.

Because it would have made no sense for me to be hands on. My financial contribution was way more useful. My DSis was retired, but fit and well. She and our DM lived in a relatively cheap part of the country and iit was her suggestion to move our DM close to her. At the time, I lived in London, and was juggling a high pressure job and young DCs. My DSis didn't do personal care. When ourDM's health declined, she had carers. But living very close by meant my DSis was able to check up on our DM without it impacting her day to day life.

Not all churches. My parish (Catholic) organises a lay outreach service for people who are elderly, disabled or isolated. It did amazing work during Covid and continues to do so now.

Those stats relate specifically to cancer I believe and do not relate specifically to elderly married couples where there are many examples of men caring for their wives.

God you sound selfish and miserable

My Nan mentioned upthread was scared of very little but was badly haemophobic. She was fine with her own blood but hopeless with the sight of anyone elses, to the point of passing out. My guess about the root of this is the very violent home she was bought up in, where her first memory was being sent as a tiny child to get leeches to put on her mother's eyes after her father had beaten her.

My grandfather had bladder surgery a few years before his death and was possibly sent home a bit soon. He haemorraghed that night. They didn't have a phone (not unusual then) and the neighbours who did were away. Nan spent the night tearing up sheets and packing them around him to staunch the blood, changing them as needed, until it stopped a bit hours later and she got to a phone to call an ambulance.

Having heard this story, I asked her (once grown up) how she did it. Her reply "Well, I had to, there was noone else to do it. Anyway, I've not been so bad since with blood".

I think it is one of the most incredibly brave, selfless things I've ever heard. She was right though, sometimes there is noone else.

@Fragmentedbrain, I truly envy your ability to say whatever comes to mind. Most of us are still burdened by things like empathy and self-awareness.