Wow. Since when did love become so transactional?
With the exception of those who are abusive, most parents have, generally speaking, already given up quite a lot to give their children a good life. It’s usual to want to honour everything they have done for us by at least helping a little when they are old.
Do you love your parents op? Does your dh love his parents? Leaving caring aside, do you like them as people? Does their value to you suddenly diminish when they become less able? Does it change them in your eyes fundamentally as people?
Love isn’t just a social concept; it’s a verb and usually involves practical action of some sort.
We all grow ill and incapacitated at some point in our lives. Very few of us can survive without the help of others eventually.
I never understand the logic behind the argument of “having children is selfish; we didn’t ask to be born” because that applies to the entire human race! Not one person on this earth asked to be born but in every case , even the crappiest of mothers went through nine months of pregnancy and birth to bring us in to the world, our parents then kept us alive while we were young and vulnerable, facilitated our education and friendships, fed us, washed our clothes and cleaned our homes and supported us financially and emotionally, and taught us about the world. I think after all of that you have to be pretty cold, or up yourself, to think that you owe them absolutely nothing in return!
Again, to reiterate, I am NOT saying that this applies to abusive parents! But neglect and abuse can work both ways imho.
I don’t expect my dc to ever give me personal care as we have made financial provision for that, but I’d be pretty disappointed if they didn’t feel able to advocate for me if I became incapacitated. Or that the fact that I became ill; would actually put them off coming to see me. I would hope that our relationships wouldn’t be as shallow as that. Are people only worthy of love when they are fit and independent?
Op I think your honesty is good actually but what would you do if, God forbid, you or your husband became incapacitated by a stroke say? Do you think that your dh wouldn’t love you as much if you were ill and disabled? I am not saying it would be all be a bed of roses by any means, and we all have different strengths, but would you really expect to be abandoned to your fate and left mostly alone by those closest to you? And if you don’t, why is it ok for you to do that to your parents? And why is it ok that you rely on your siblings to do the majority of the less pleasant tasks, because it isn’t. No one enjoys the drudgery of the tasks involved but they do it out of love for the person they are helping.
And, to answer your question op, it depends where you live, but most state care is pretty perfunctory. The patient has very little say or control over when the carers visit so can be put to bed at 4.30 pm until 8.30 am if that suits the roster. The quality of care varies massively and sometimes communication can be very difficult. Imho, family need to coordinate and advocate for their parents. And do their shopping, wash clothes and attend to things in their house that need fixing in addition to what carers do. And take them out so that they can attend hospital appointments and on a few expeditions to add to their quality of life. And be available for emergencies. That’s the minimum I would say.