To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

You sound very detached from them. I actually find it a little unnerving in all honesty.

I don't feel bad about this because I'll have to sort myself too.

I think this comment is clearly indicative of your character. It's like if you can't see a positive gain for yourself, you're not interested. Thank heavens most people aren't like this.

Literally nobody has said that though, have they? The pitfalls and unpleasant reality have been covered on this thread.

Your question has been asked and answered. No, you're not obliged to care for your parents, and you will hold fast apparently regardless of their suffering or consequences because the system you may wish them to rely on doesn't deliver consistently even if you throw money at it.

But everyone's different and most of us muddle along to one degree or another, despite the horrors, because if we didn't we'd struggle with our conscience. It's not a case of martyrdom or complete abandonment, there's a middle ground, some of which can be managed better than others.

If you want to be the poster child for Logans Run 2025 style, that's your prerogative, but some of us hope for better.

I mean if most people aren't why are there so few care home visitors? I don't really care but I think it's naive to believe we live in some loving caring utopia.

And this probably sounds harsher than I mean it to be. But generally I think most people find some reward and happiness in helping other people out...just for the sake of it. It doesn't have to be an enjoyable or fun act to derive a sense of satisfaction. Have you always been like this?

What does better look like, though?

My lovely Mum is 90...she lives on her own...in a council one bed flat...not a penny to her name...we have carers going in 4 times a day....she is nearly blind ..can't walk with out a simmer frame...refusing to go into a care home...but my siblings I myself do as much as we can....WHY....because we LOVE her....yes is hard..yes it's difficult at times...but I could not just swan about it my life...and not help her.....you sound very selfish..I pray they don't ever need you

I agree that many people get a thrill from martyrdom. More often women than men hence women more often "the carers". Then writing to the Guardian in old age complaining they can't afford to put the heating on after years as an unpaid carer.

Not for me.

But there's a whole middle ground between dedicating your entire life to providing unpaid care for others and doing sweet fa.

You can dress it up as feminism but it ultimately boils down to selfishness.

Do you love your parents?

It's not always a case of 'when you love the person you just get on with it'. It's not realistic to judge others based on how they feel about wiping a full grown (possibly violent) adult's bottom for an indefinite number of years.

In my own situation it hasn't come up yet, my mum is continent and not prone to 'accidents', but she lives with me and it's going to come up. In 'emergencies' of course I will help her. As her needs ramp up, I'm hoping her carers will mostly take care of that if it ever arises, though, and that doesn't mean I don't love my mother.

It's not as clear-cut as 'paying/organising for a carer to do that', though. Having cared for someone yourself I was surprised you wrote that, as surely you realise it's not clear-cut. If a person is 'taken short' it's still going to be on the relative, if they are at all involved in the person's care, to help clean them up, especially if they live in the same house. They're not going to just leave their loved one sitting in their own mess.

Just to point out, though - not everyone has children or has wiped bottoms before. I'm 57 and childfree, and have never wiped one in my life. And you can't exactly compare a baby or toddler's 'output' to a full grown adult's.

Yes I agree it’s awful to want to help, my in-laws and my parents were committed to help us in every way possible when our kids were small, I managed to work part time safe in the knowledge the kids were safe well looked after and having fun.
my dm developed dementia, she was in a wheelchair, they moved nearer us we cared for her at home for 5 years. I helped every day after work, she died peacefully at home.
my df in-law came to stay when my dm in- passed and died peacefully in our home. We consider ourself exceptionally lucky to have been involved in their care. My children learned kindness and compassion and have grown into amazing adults and I really think they gained a great deal from helping with gps.
it was pay back time for us and I know we were lucky to be able to manage at home with minimal external help.
no regrets just happy memories right up till the night they both passed.
couldn't ever take the decision not to want to help and know they were looked after well.

And yet you seem to be enjoying your life, what with all the holidays you don't want to miss out on!
I don't buy for one minute that you aren't glad to be alive - you're still here, so there must be something in it for you! You just want everyone to validate the incredible selfishness of showing zero care for the people who have presumable loved and nurtured you.

It looks like family who through the years love and support each other if and when they need it.

and support doesn’t mean martyring your denture existence like some mumsnetters seem to keep banging on about.

it means offering as much loving help each person is able to bring and lots of support in helping their older relatives seek out the professional help that will make it all work.

I think I'd do the same. I have noticed there are agencies for this sort of thing. Elderly companions / helps I think they are called. I also thought about offering someone a room at reduced rent for helping a bit in the house with cleaning or something if needs be. Live in the city so would be plenty for them to do. There are places which match people for this.

I do stuff because the alternative is lying inert. I don't understand people who are glad to be alive, it's a total pain in the arse. Folk breed for their own sake and nobody else's they dont get a big rosette.

But you yourself agree that if it happens you deal with it.
Reading some people on here they would be outraged at the mere suggestion of cleaning up their parent and would not hesitate to leave them sitting in shit.
if your friend had a seizure and shat and pissed themselves would you just walk away?

I don’t know what they think is going to happen if they did. The shit fairies clean them up?

I definitely would not be cleaning them up. If we lived in a post apocalyptic society where nobody else could help? I probably would slink out.

So if your friend was in your house and they had a seizure and shat themselves what would you do?

Call an ambulance.

@Fragmentedbrain oh god now I’m laughing slightly uncontrollably. I have visions of you sort of pushing them with a stick along the floor and out your door 🤣

It can be very frustrating if they send arranged carers away but then need care. I have had that situation. Would be inclined not so help as much after that to be honest.

I would prefer it happens outdoors, yes. I would not be touching them.

Yes but as it’s not going to be a category 1 or whatever they call it, it could be hours. Hours of them sitting in shit and hours of the stink of mashed shit in your house

Someone spasming on the ground unconscious isn't category 1? This seems unlikely.