To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

I just wouldn't, though, it's not about luck

Well then OP, what were you looking for from this post? If you are totally happy with your choices and feel confident that you can pay or that the estate can pick up the load, then go for it. No one really needed to know ant of this.

I'm looking for pointers on how it's likely to pan out. I did fear the refs above to professionals trying to force involvement.

You clearly have a way with words and, I’m guessing, a lot of life experience. Why not write a blog, or become a Guardian contributor or a YouTube influencer ?

The State..................work full time dont smoke dont drink Keep your weight down get plenty of excercise
Also The State...........run yourself ragged caring for elderly relatives

Why worry Op, it seems to me that whatever happens, you will turn your back, refuse to get involved or end up booking a spot at Dignitas. Seems like it matters little to you.

Oh good. I'm childless. Presumably that means that I'm allowed to live? Or do I have a moral obligation to kill myself so as to avoid being a burden on society?

It's not a case of providing care or not providing care though OP. I'd try not to see this as a bigger deal than it needs to be. There are all sorts of ways in which you could support them and some people might feel comfortable with some tasks and some with other tasks. These might include finding out about benefits (eg attendance allowance), help filling in forms, navigating the 'modern world' e.g tech, websites, finances & smartphones, discussing health worries, finding a gardener / cleaner or doing domestic & DIY tasks. You must do at least one of these kinds of tasks at work? Would you not do any of this for a friend who was struggling? Or do you prefer to avoid close relationships generally?

I'm lucky that my parents didn't need much help until after I retired and I can see how this might feel daunting when still working with 4 parents. But being clear about what you can do as well as can't do might be very helpful to your parents. The main thing mine say they value now is just knowing they are not alone and can call us, but they rarely do. Many older people value independence and your parents will realise what you may find difficult.

They may not have children but that doesn’t mean they don’t have family. My DM cared for her two (childless) great aunts until they passed. She loved them and wanted to help them in their older age. Of course there’s no obligation to do this, but having an attitude of “my needs only” is never going to serve you well in the longer term.

OP what if it was your husband ? If he developed a chronic and / or life limiting illness. ? Would you leave him / divorce him perhaps .....
In similar circumstances would you expect the above from him ? I'm just curious 🤔. As at some point one of you will become ill and the other one will have a decision to make.

Most of us work full time now and juggle many things. I can't afford to give up work to care for my parents. I can't take leave to take them to many appointments. They live two hours away and I am the main earner at home. I do what I can though, and if absolutely needed I would drop everything for anyone in my family who had a crisis and needed me.
That is what life is surely

I worry about this as well. I have my parents and in laws all still alive and well and a sibling with a life limiting illness. Things are ok now but I can foresee my 50's being taken up with caring responsibilities then my husband also has an autoimmune disorder so it is possible he will also need care in future.

I was late in starting my career myself and just feel like I am just getting going, add to that I work from home and already people think I am on hand to pick up their kids from school and take in packages, walk their dog etc so I can see their being high expectations put on me.

Difficult as I want to do my bit but I do worry about it all falling on me the way I saw it all fall on my own mum.

We will have to have this discussion at some point but i don't think it will be for a while as we have 2 very doddery grandparents still with us. But in about 25 years time when my inlaws need care, me, dh, bil and sil will be in our 60's. Bil and Sil will be retired with dc in their mid 30's. We will have disabled dc aged between 44 and 36, probably at least 2 still living at home and needing care. I don't know if BIL and SIL will have grandchildren to look after by then or what kind of care our dc or inlaws will need by then or what will be classed as fair in terms of who does what.

Thank you, very kind of you to say.

It's certainly something I'm considering once I get some practical issues dealt with (too much dead people's stuff) and once I get a bit of confidence back.

Been running on adrenaline and shattered dreams for about 5 years in total so the spirit is willing, but on a go slow, the flesh is more variable, and my willpower is in a box somewhere.

Survival out of spite and all that 😘

My husband has a chronic illness that sadly probably will result in him needing dialysis, maybe an organ donation from me, maybe care over a period. I took on that responsibility when we hitched and while I very much hope we just die cleanly together in a dramatic meteor strike at 82 I am prepared for worse outcomes.

I mean I think I have that responsibility down the line. You get to create your own moral framework.

For a lot of people it isn't about 'my needs only'. It's about 'my needs too'.

Fair😣

That photo is intended to be horrifying right?

I will absolutely not be a burden to my sons. And I also wouldn't want to live if I'm not independent (being able to take care of my personal hygiene for ex). So I have decided to go to Belgium or Switzerland when I get older. My mum is dead and my father lives far away but my Mil who is nearby is an adorable human being and I wouldn't mind taking care of her when she will need it. I think you must have a very distant relationship with your parents to not want to do anything to help them. And maybe that's their fault as well if they didn't pay much attention to you growing up?

I agree with you and to a certain extent the OP. I'm in the same situation. Chose not to have kids because I don't enjoy or want the responsibility of caring for anyone else. Most people dont want to be carers, but unless you're prepared to watch people you love suffer there isn't really a choice.

My nan, grandad and MIL needed care. Mum did almost everything for nan and grandad, MIL is down to my husband. Everyone here is saying MIL isn't DILs problem but I love my husband and will always support him, no way would I say 'sorry but this is your problem'.

It's actually been a big wake up call, I would never have children to look after me but it has definitely made me realise the importance of having money when you are elderly so you can afford to pay for the care needed.

I am definitely worried about my own future because if I get dementia I know there will be no-one looking out for me.

🙄

@Fragmentedbrain you do realise no one thinks you're funny, right?

@Belladonna432 you need to start a separate thread for your question. Congrats on your little one. 🙂

Some of us helped to care for an elderly great aunt and two great uncles, but I have no illusions about the possibility of help for me - I'm in contact with cousins and their adult children, but I'm not expecting much.

I did make tentative enquiries about appointing them as executors, but was told that I should appoint a solicitor. It was also heavily hinted that I should organise a direct cremation.

I've been told that two of the cousin's kids would be prepared to be POA for me, however, but I'm hesitant. I'm assuming that they'd be prepared to sign the required document to place me in a home.

I've told my cousins where to find my jewellery and will plus a note of my savings and I've left a note of a local house clearance firm and a reliable estate agent.

I'm trying to do some Swedish Death Cleaning.

Judging by what I've seen, I'd be more likely to get help if I moved close to Dad's family in Eastern Europe. That's a bit of a non-starter, however - I speak some of the language, but I'm far from fluent.

My mum lives 100 miles and a 2+ hour drive away. And I have a full time job.

My sister lives about 40 minutes closer but has Autism and has already set out her stall, so to speak, that that she can't possibly help, and by "can't", she means "won't". When it has come up in discussion, her answer is to shrug and say, "well that's my boundary."
All well and good, and fair play to her, but when do I get to put in my boundary?

I mean, I'm happy to do what I can. I'll happily do stuff like make phone calls, juggle paperwork, organise grocery deliveries, cleaners etc. But if you're hoping to have me as your personal "get me up in the morning and give me a wash", then sorry, but that's not going to work for me.

Everyone I know whose picked up the rope on this has ended up on antidepressants.