To ask if you refused to help with older relatives and how that went down?

[Fragmentedbrain]

I have 2 parents and 2 parents in law closing in on needing care. Reading other threads here it sounds as though this has a high chance of ruining my life over the next decade or so.

My husband and I work full time, love our jobs and don't have any caring responsibilities or instincts, not even a cat. I don't want to give up work or holidays or enjoying this bit of my life before I in turn am too old.

If we refuse to get involved beyond visits to say hello, how screwed are our parents?

(As we are child free I am not worried about any example setting although appreciate the relationship with siblings could get tricky)

I don't think women should be doing it all or should ever have been made to. Fairer pay for women in jobs would be a step towards creating equality to take time out of work. Options for people to take paid time out from work to care for family, all sorts of support for both sexes to be able to keep the fabric of society together.

Wow!!

everyone who gets enough warning has a moral obligation - to end their life?

fucking hell…

I think there's a difference between providing care and helping out. I would not want to provide care and when my father needed it, he went into a care home.

Helping out is different and can be done to different levels.

My mum lives independently but needs help with things - eg reading the meter as it's in an awkward place (the last time she enquired about a smart meter she was told she didn't qualify for one but we could look at that again) and doing things like sorting out the NHS app for her when it logs her out and demands 2FA. And in a week or so she has a hospital appointment so I am going to take her. That sort of thing is fine, doesn't have a major impact on your life and is fair enough to do. I don't live that close, but go every six weeks to catch up on the various jobs she wants doing.

OP I am like you - I do have one chid but no pets and I don't want people relying on me either. But helping out every few weeks with a few jobs doesn't adversely affect my life.

I feel for you - I know what it's like. The things is that when our parents looked after us, they were in their 20s and 30s with all the health and energy that goes with it. Most of us in our 50s, 60s and 70s don't have that same level and it doesn't take us long to become burnt out.

I am refusing as we speak. It's a combination of time limits (l work full time and have toddler twins), logistics (my mother lives a 10-12+ hours round trip and l can't be arsed (have my own health issues and toddler twins drain me dry). My children are my priority which l think is fair enough. My mother hasn't been an amazing mother, maybe a C-or D. Terrible grandmother as well

I will do a the odd bit for the in-laws but zero for my family. My in-laws have always been very good to me and done waaaay more for me than my own family since l have been with my husband

I think burdens are lonely. Not being able to do what you want because of some human millstone. I do absolutely recognise that no one will look after me in similar circumstances but I don't want them to.

Thanks for the response. Your values are very different to mine and the ones in my wider family. Absolutely we would manage around work. Absolutely the caring work must be shared amongst all siblings but to do absolutely nothing to support aged parents appears very cold.

And it was for a finite time. In most cases kids grow up and develop very quickly and parents aren't wiping bottoms for too long, though there might be a lot of taxi services!

But when elderly parents need help you don't know how long they will need it for. It could be a year, it could be 30!

Also, women are hormonally driven to provide care by high estrogen, that is why we have babies and don't just leave them. When that drops away, post menopause, we are no more inclined or better at caring than men. We have just been trained and guilt tripped into it. Society also keeps a firm hold on us with less pay, fewer opportunities, discrimination etc. I am not advocating for women to take up the role of caring but I will argue against some of us being better at it than others, thus they get a free pass.

Well if the alternative is ruining the life of their younger relatives then yes! Is that controversial?

I like doing things for other people, especially family. It adds meaning to my life.

Fair enough. i find it boring and stressy.

Ah, so you’re a sociopath? You should have said at the start, saved all this pointless typing.

You don't have to sacrifice your every happiness to support your parents, but "refusing to get involved" is pretty extreme, and the fact that you only seem to see this from the point of view of example setting to children sounds a bit sociopathic. Most of us want to show love in action to our families when they are vulnerable or in need. You don't have to be grateful to be born to love the people who raised you and to feel a drive to care for them, at least to some extent- it's just part of the normal human experience. As for how screwed they end up being by your lack of care, I think it will probably boil down to the nature and severity of any disabilities they develop, what financial resources they have, and whether they have other family/ friends around them who have a sense that life should be about more than personal pleasure.

And in a non snarky way, good for you. And I mean that. You’ll likely always find opportunity to care for others in different ways.

That isn’t true for all people or for people all of the time (if that makes sense) so there shouldn’t be obligation for them to take on that role.

Never understood the " I didn't ask to be born" rationale.Nobody asked to be born. Not your parents either.

But then not going to argue with anyone who thinks family is a pyramid scheme.
You should do as you please.

Of course it's controversial! You are being ridiculous! There are masses of options between caring full-time for your parents and them committing suicide.

I think the OP is being a little troll-y at this point…but that doesn’t make this a worthless thread.

Lots of good experience and information sharing!

thanks @Shetlands it’s true. I am late 50s and should be enjoying single life! Have loads of friends to go out and away with - but I can’t. Have told my son he never has to do this with me. If I had my way they would be in a home but then I get so guilty!

My Dad had early onset Alzheimer’s and went in to care home in his early sixties. I was in my late 20’s.
It was a heck of a journey. My mum, who was also early sixties, fit and well etc found herself caring for him and then overseeing care at the care home. Dementia is a cruel disease and a rollercoaster for everyone involved. I was with her every step of the way. I even had a change of career so that I could be more available to help.
To answer you question, my Mum and Dad would have been 100% screwed without DH and I. I helped care for Dad, supported Mum emotionally and practically. His home was closer to ours than hers so she basically moved in.
My Mum and Dad would’ve moved heaven and earth for me so I will do the same for them. (And will again if the need arises).
I didn’t give it a second thought.

Unbelievable, isn’t it? I had no idea people like this existed.

Yes I agree paid leaves would be a good idea to help those who will do it anyway. Much like paternity leave though I do not see how you can force people who do not want to do it to care.
I also think that as women gain independence and equality they because less likely to want to lose this by taking on more caring responsibilities. Look art the birth rate for example. Women become harder to control.

Yes it is. Very.

Is this real or is it to do with the recent assisted dying debate and fears it will lead to elderly people choosing death because their families treat them like a burden?

Oof… unsolicited advice coming. Please start reclaiming your life now. Don’t wait. Guilt can only be used when the recipient allows it. You should have no guilt for living.

That is very brave. Have you got firm plans to go ahead when the time comes?

How will you manage if there is an unexpected illness and you are not able to travel on your own? Can you travel on a medical flight?