To ask for your help in talking to my DD about her weight

[LoandBeahold]

DD(20) recently came home after her 2nd year at uni and I'm worried about how much weight she's gained.

She's always been slim and sporty but now has a sizeable roll around her middle. She's 5ft 2in so any weight gain is very noticeable. She's looking chunky.

She has no MH issues btw. Works hard at her studies and PT job, has boyfriend and lots of friends and a busy social life.

I'm more concerned about potential health problems than her appearance- she's very attractive.

Any tips on how I can broach this as DH thinks I should keep quiet but I think I'd be letting her down as her mum if I ignored it.

And then said she’ll raise is subtly by talking about healthy eating, which everyone is telling her isn’t remotely subtle.

I think it would be wise to reflect on how your daughter might be experiencing this new chapter in her life, and that she is learning about herself and gaining independence. She’s a young adult who needs to experience the world on her own terms without criticism and unsolicited parental involvement.

My mother was also “concerned” for my “health” when I gained weight at university, and that unwanted critical input on an issue I was obviously aware of made me want to not engage with her about other things that were troubling me. I will never forget how that “concern” made me feel worthless and how it impacted the course of my adult life. I love my mother but her unwanted input on my weight made me mistrust her and resent her for years.
Your daughter knows she has gained weight and she is probably coming to terms with it in her own way. If you raise this with her you will risk your relationship with her. My mother’s ongoing commentary on my body led to a deep breakdown in our relationship and to this day (15 years later), I resent her for putting pressure on me and rubbing salt into the wound so to speak. As a young adult at uni, you can see all the other attractive people around you and you don’t need to be made to feel worse about yourself, especially by a parent who you would usually lean on for comfort and sympathy.

I would urge you to stay out of this for the sake of your daughter’s mental health and for the future of your relationship.

People saying young adults know if they’ve gained weight…a lot don’t. They just block it out. Before I took SUPL I worked with several 20-somethings who had all gained weight in the last few years - all of them also continue wearing the same (now unflattering) clothes. No one would keep wearing those clothes if they were fully aware of how they looked.

Some people are woefully blind about their weight gain. And being chunky is not healthy.

You know your daughter best, OP. You know how to raise it. Personally I would, being fat or overweight is not healthy and we shouldn’t normalise it in those we love.

My daughter isn't stupid and I won't "suddenly start having conversations about healthy eating" - we'll be resuming previous conversations and I'll continue modelling healthy eating. Surely you do that, don't you?

She's clearly making some bad food choices and hopefully she'll have a summer re-set.

Yes I absolutely have conversations with my young children about the importance of healthy eating and exercise.
But if they’re just continuations of your existing conversations, why did you need advice about how to raise it with her?

I can assure you that the obesity epidemic has not been caused by a reluctance to tell fatties that they are fat.

But if they’re just continuations of your existing conversations, why did you need advice about how to raise it with her?

Oh god 🤣

Because initially, I was going to mention her weight gain but after taking on board some of the thoughtful responses (and ignoring the rude ones), I've decided on taking a different approach.

OK?

Fine 😁

OP - don’t do conversations about healthy eating. From what you’ve said she a) already knows how to eat healthily as you’ve modelled that as a family and b) she’s not at the point where her weight will impact on her health, just at the stage it doesn’t look as good.

She is making different choices when she lives independently from you to the ones you would make. And that’s ok. If she’d rather have the enjoyment of overindulging foods then the enjoyment of being thin, as long as she’s not in the “unable to walk down the street” category like your friend, then so be it. She’s an adult now, and it’s ok for her to make choices for herself that you wouldn’t make for her if you were still the one making decisions.

You don’t have that roadmap of having had a mum yourself at this age and interestingly another woman I know who’s own mother died when she was in her teens has struggled with the early 20s stage and her dd making different choices than she would. This may well be the hardest part of parenting for you!

Keep taking deep breaths and tell yourself your dd is an intelligent adult, you’ve given her knowledge and it’s ok for her to make what you consider to be “wrong” choices with that.

LOL. If you were my kid, you would have a bit more backbone. I have a brilliant relationship with my son and he was glad of the nudge.

Part of it is mothers giving their little darlings whatever they want to eat because they don't want to "give them a poor body image." What nonsense.

Prompted by this thread, I asked my son if it hurt his feelings when I said his body was soft and he did a mock sobbing cry, then rolled his eyes and said "no."

I start to think that some fat mothers would rather their daughters were also fat so they wouldn't feel so bad about their own bodies.

No responsibility on the fathers then? All the mothers’ fault?

I think if she's 20, she's heading back to uni and actually my experience as was the experience of many of my peers especially girls, is that they lost loads of weight at Uni as poor food choices or lack of money. If healthy eating is even mentioned you have to think she'll be away again in the autumn and she could completely go he other way as easy to do if you are only responsible for yourself and what your money goes on.

I remember when I was younger and I spoke to my mum about my putting on weight. She signed us both up to legs, bums, and tums class. 💪
Stopped the plate of bread and butter in the middle of the table at tea time and bought more fruit and veg.
It was great, to be honest. 😌

But I went to her, I approached her, I asked her for help, she never mentioned a thing. She kept quiet and waited for me to broach the subject. 😇
Your daughter already knows, and she has a mirror.

My auntie, on the other hand, decided to have a little word with me about my weight.
It changed our relationship.
It wasn't her place to have a word, especially when she harped on about it, yet her granddaughter was obese and she never mentioned that. But after that chat, she would always go on about my weight and how you'll never meet anyone if you're big, etc. 😬
Please don't mention it and wait to see if she asks you for support xx 💕

Thank you @FancyBiscuitsLevel

You don’t have that roadmap of having had a mum yourself at this age and interestingly another woman I know who’s own mother died when she was in her teens has struggled with the early 20s stage and her dd making different choices than she would. This may well be the hardest part of parenting for you!

DD has been an absolute breeze to parent from day 1. She didn't even have an obnoxious stage as a teen! Friends who were lucky enough to have their mothers into adulthood have struggled more than me. Maybe my mum didn't have the chance to fuck me up!

I am definitely not saying that it is the ONLY thing she should talk to her daughter about but communication should be an open channel. I encourage my kids to say what they think and I model that behaviour. We all have really good relationships, we discuss politics, philosophy, our plans for the day, future hopes and dreams, what we fancy for dinner, both elevated and mundane topics, and none of us are fat. A body is only our vessel, it does not define us - but it should be looked after.

Well, I was raised by my father and his attitude was "eat what is on your plate, or go hungry" so I never had a chance to get a messed up relationship with food. It was purely functional.

But realistically, most (not all) mothers are in charge of the food shop and they tend to be the ones with poor body image that they want to protect their children from. But I suppose a dad might do this too, or indulge his kids too much. They are not doing their kids any favours, is my point.

Speaking as a daughter of a father that is very kind and lovely, and very blunt/open about things like this...

Depends how you say it. If she never mentions it herself, I wouldn't say anything. But if she does bring it up there's nothing wrong with saying you've noticed too, and asking if there's anything she needs support with.

My dad is like that. If I haven't mentioned it he doesn't say anything. But when we met for the first time in a few months the other week I said I was on a weight loss kick and he said he had noticed I'd put quite a bit of weight on.

People don't always know they're overweight, to counter those saying 'she knows'... it's really easy to just lie to yourself and pretend it's a tiny amount or unnoticeable.

This strikes me as a totally spiteful and unnecessary comment that makes zero contribution to the discussion. My son does not need your pity. What vile people some MNers are!

Before you gently tell her she’s got a roll and needs to lose weight it’s a good idea to take this opportunity to REALLY help her so first stop by the shops and pick her up these items: mustache bleach, anti-blemish creams, a teeth whitening kit, some good quality make up, and a strong pair of full body spanx!

🙄

Of course you wouldn’t - because you shouldn’t

When I was at uni I put on loads of weight. Much more than a slight roll. Had a fab time. All weight due to booze and pizza. No one mentioned it. Ever. I am profoundly grateful for that.
When I left uni the weight dropped off and I was down to original weight within the year.
Please don't mention it. I cannot stress this enough. Nothing worse than people noticing and being concerned. It's a whole level of awfulness. Trust me she knows she's put on weight. Leave her be.

@LandSharksAnonymous
‘No one would keep wearing those clothes if they were fully aware of how they looked’

That’s a horrible comment.

@Dozer I could have said what others have said about them. I didn't say they look awful, or fat. Just that they didn't look good and it wasn't flattering.

Visiting delegations from overseas have gone as far as to remark on their appearance. And I am sure if those women I worked with heard those comments, or realised that it was not an isolated incident of someone making that sort of comment, they would be mortified.

I'm sorry, but if more people spoke up to friends/family when they did put on significant amounts of weight and reached an unhealthy size (and clearly did not realise) people would be healthier for it.

I don't understand why so many people on this thread are being unpleasant or downright rude.

Clearly a lot of people don't lose the weight they put on at uni and many more become overweight or obese as adults. Plus those who were fat as children and never learn healthy habits and self control.

Why are some young people so fragile that they will spiral if their loving parent (i.e. not an abusive one) points out that they should look at their diet and cut out the crap?